Venting Dreaming about SA still

[squillykilly]

My thoughts have been getting so bad that when I see media about SA or hear people talking about their experiences, I get insanely jealous about it. I feel guilty for feeling this way but it feels like my body needs it, I need to be broken and hurt and abused man. I can't stand these thoughts anymore, these feelings hurt me and I can't tell anyone cuz they'd think I'm a freak. I have a girlfriend ffs I shouldn't be dreaming of a stranger taking advantage of me, am I a horrible person? Fuck man I hate this, I just need it so bad...

 

[AJwantsToGo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this :( it must be torturing you. In a way, it must be a form of self-harm, no? I'll look up some stuff in my textbooks, and if I find any advice that could be useful to you, I'll send you a message. Hope you feel better and that your day improves, and that the thoughts stop, even for a second. Xoxo.

 

[wishmaster9]

Could you talk about it with your girlfriend? Maybe she'll be willing to spice things up...?
I'm gonna carefully assume that something happened in the past to make you want that to happen to you, or perhaps you feel like you didn't suffer enough to be allowed to feel the way you do, idk.
Let me assure you, as someone who's been through SA several times, that there's absolutely nothing to be jealous of, and I wouldn't want that to happen to you or anyone else, ever.
If you're already on this forum, I'm sure you've experienced enough bad things throughout your life to make you come here, so I really think there's no need to add extras to that list.

 

[blisterinthesun]

am I a horrible person?

No you're not a horrible person for having these thoughts. Not at all. You can't be a horrible person just for thinking things, it's all about actions. So it would be unfair on your gf if you cheated on her to satisfy these feelings, but just the feelings themselves are neither good nor bad morally.

How they make you feel is a different question. It sounds like you would rather not feel this way. I'd suggest speaking to a therapist about this. Everything we think and feel has its roots somewhere, and a therapist can help you figure that out and then learn how to lessen the feelings and urges.

But whatever you do please cut yourself some slack. The subconscious brain is a strange animal. Our minds sometimes think and feel things that don't always make sense to us. And that is ok. It's how we respond to it that matters.

 

[monolog]

 

[squillykilly]

I'm so sorry you're going through this :( it must be torturing you. In a way, it must be a form of self-harm, no? I'll look up some stuff in my textbooks, and if I find any advice that could be useful to you, I'll send you a message. Hope you feel better and that your day improves, and that the thoughts stop, even for a second. Xoxo.

You have such a kind caring soul, I hope you do not expend too much of your energy on strangers on the internet

This is JUST what I needed LMAOO

 

[meddle]

a lot of people have a lot of disturbing and unhealthy wishes and urges. for example, i often fantasise about sh or ctb. so there is nothing wrong with thinking about it, with wishing to it to happen. our thoughts dont define us. so dont be too hard on yourself, buddy

 

[softfur]

I've had maybe similar experience to this. I didn't ever really want it (but i DO want to get the shit beaten out of me a lot!) but my brain has been obsessed with rape for as long as i can remember, to the point i think i internalized trauma and had some of the same symptoms of people who've been raped. (anyone reading this, don't tell me something like "you probably got raped and blocked it out" that does not help me lol)
i've been happy to hear some people, even those with OCD, don't feel as guilty about their thoughts when they understand they're distinct from actions and can't hurt others; ex. you're definitely not cheating on your gf for thinking about other sexual encounters. i know people have different views on morality and relationships but i can't stand letting people think they don't have the right to their own thoughts.