Reasons I want to ctb

[uniqueusername4]

• I'm 30, have 2 masters degrees but no job.
• I live in an apartment and wont even have that soon if I don't get a job. Have to get a job that pays $22 an hour and is remote. I can't even get myself to apply because I am just overwhelmed and stuck. I am a constantly high worthless blob going from bed to couch and hating myself.
• It seems like all bonds that I have/could have are superficial and just to pass the time.
• I am estranged from my family. Abusive parents, targeted me mostly. Never had a relationship with my older sister, she hated me when I was born. I was close with my little sister before but it is hard for her to be in the middle of everything, so I just leave her be.
• After being physically and emotionally abused by my parents, SA'ed in college and an ex boyfriend breaking into my apartment and stalking me, I feel like I have too much trauma to get over.
• I have been pushing everyone away due to fear of them being affected if I do ctb and I have successfully isolated myself almost completely. It seems like no one cares if I live or die and I don't blame them. If anyone does care, it isn't in a meaningful way.
• Anyone who falls in love with me gets really hurt because I cant commit to life and end up pushing them away too.
• I feel like even if it weren't for all these things, life the way we have it right now wouldn't be worth living anyways. So I do get a job and go to therapy and stop harming my relationships…now I just work until I die ? What a miserable existence.
• I can barely even stand waiting for my SN and antiemetic to get here fingers crossed. I haven't felt any joy, I just want this to be over. If it doesn't come, I have no clue what I will do. I really need a backup but methods are so ridiculously hard to come by.
• I've seen other people do it, friends from both work and school and it worked for them. I am sad that my friends are gone but I am happy for them if that is what they wanted. And I am really jealous that they were able to get out.
• Even if I make it in this crazy system, I still have to witness people suffering day after day outside of my control. I call this living on the porch of hell.
• I cant stop smoking weed. I have to be high every second of the day or I will do something violent to myself. I have tried to quit several times and haven't been able to.
• I feel like the government doesn't listen to what we actually want and doesn't care about us. I feel like things are never going to get better.
• I wish that I could commit to recovery but there are so many reasons to CTB. The only suicide prevention is making life worth living. How would I make my life worth living in this world? It doesn't seem possible.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've been through, I find it so incredibly horrible how there is so much endless suffering in this world, I also envy those who managed to cease existing on their own terms. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[strangelife]

• I'm 30, have 2 masters degrees but no job.
• I live in an apartment and wont even have that soon if I don't get a job. Have to get a job that pays $22 an hour and is remote. I can't even get myself to apply because I am just overwhelmed and stuck. I am a constantly high worthless blob going from bed to couch and hating myself.
• It seems like all bonds that I have/could have are superficial and just to pass the time.
• I am estranged from my family. Abusive parents, targeted me mostly. Never had a relationship with my older sister, she hated me when I was born. I was close with my little sister before but it is hard for her to be in the middle of everything, so I just leave her be.
• After being physically and emotionally abused by my parents, SA'ed in college and an ex boyfriend breaking into my apartment and stalking me, I feel like I have too much trauma to get over.
• I have been pushing everyone away due to fear of them being affected if I do ctb and I have successfully isolated myself almost completely. It seems like no one cares if I live or die and I don't blame them. If anyone does care, it isn't in a meaningful way.
• Anyone who falls in love with me gets really hurt because I cant commit to life and end up pushing them away too.
• I feel like even if it weren't for all these things, life the way we have it right now wouldn't be worth living anyways. So I do get a job and go to therapy and stop harming my relationships…now I just work until I die ? What a miserable existence.
• I can barely even stand waiting for my SN and antiemetic to get here fingers crossed. I haven't felt any joy, I just want this to be over. If it doesn't come, I have no clue what I will do. I really need a backup but methods are so ridiculously hard to come by.
• I've seen other people do it, friends from both work and school and it worked for them. I am sad that my friends are gone but I am happy for them if that is what they wanted. And I am really jealous that they were able to get out.
• Even if I make it in this crazy system, I still have to witness people suffering day after day outside of my control. I call this living on the porch of hell.
• I cant stop smoking weed. I have to be high every second of the day or I will do something violent to myself. I have tried to quit several times and haven't been able to.
• I feel like the government doesn't listen to what we actually want and doesn't care about us. I feel like things are never going to get better.
• I wish that I could commit to recovery but there are so many reasons to CTB. The only suicide prevention is making life worth living. How would I make my life worth living in this world? It doesn't seem possible.

From my point of view, you are healthy and lucky person, but just need some corrections in life to be happy. May be some therapy will be useful.

 

[wagner2029]

I believe that the only consensus among researchers is that depressed and suicidal people cannot feel pleasure.
It's not about money or things, but about finding something you like to do, something that connects you to a group.
Marijuana is probably something that gives you pleasure, maybe the only thing, that's why you use it so much, maybe if you find other activities you can reduce consumption.
Have you looked for help groups for alcoholism, cocaine and synthetics? They have a lot in common with people who suffer from depression, interestingly many of them don't think about CBT, which is very curious.

 

[uniqueusername4]

That sounds really awful what you've been through, I find it so incredibly horrible how there is so much endless suffering in this world, I also envy those who managed to cease existing on their own terms. But anyway I wish you the best.

I feel like you have a lot of empathy FC, I wish you peace.

From my point of view, you are healthy and lucky person, but just need some corrections in life to be happy. May be some therapy will be useful.

I dont feel mentally healthy or very lucky. I wish I had your perspective. I am in therapy, I cant be all the way honest with her though for fear of 72 hr hold.

I believe that the only consensus among researchers is that depressed and suicidal people cannot feel pleasure.
It's not about money or things, but about finding something you like to do, something that connects you to a group.
Marijuana is probably something that gives you pleasure, maybe the only thing, that's why you use it so much, maybe if you find other activities you can reduce consumption.
Have you looked for help groups for alcoholism, cocaine and synthetics? They have a lot in common with people who suffer from depression, interestingly many of them don't think about CBT, which is very curious.

atp weed just turns down the volume of my issues. Even at really high doses, it rarely brings me joy anymore. I have had a hard time finding a support group for it- a lot of people don't think you can even be addicted to weed, it's crazy.

 

[MollerPlesset]

I have PhD and I can't get a job. I hate applying, looking or having any conversation about it. I don't drink and I don't do drugs. I play on the phone a lot. I hope you find a job and get away from this vicious cycle. My best wishes to you.

 

[theboy]

I hope you can resolve each of your traumas and get out of the cycle of depression.

 

[MollerPlesset]

Yesterday, I went to a park and I wanted to end it with a rope in a tree. But the park had lots of families with children and I didn't wanted to be found by a little kid. Also, I was afraid of being caught before dying and be sent to hospitalization. I had to come back completely defeated again.