Venting why am i never good enough

[moodrings]

i spend so long creating, helping, and being as useful as possible-- yet im met with nothing. not one ounce of appreciation, instead another individual, who only began assisting shows up and gets everything and more than what i asked for.

why am i not enough? why can't i ever be good enough? why am i always the last option? it seems like no matter how much effort i put in, no one will ever look at me first, and it fucking sucks. i feel useless, like my mere existence will never be acknowledged unless im of use-- and even then i am nothing.


i try to surround myself with people i feel might care, but it always ends the same. i feel so stupid, i just want to be cared for, looked at first, but i cant even get that when i put my all into something. my throat is tightening, im sobbing and i feel so pathetic over it. why cant anyone care for me? even just once? why cant someone think of me when they see something? why am i always in the background? why am i always a second, or even a last thought? no one cares about me.

only one of my friends showed up to my graduation party, no one else did, no one seemed to remember. everything has just built up this month and i cant take it, i want to just fall asleep, i want to disappear and live somewhere far away and see if anyone will actually notice.

why does no one like me? i try so hard, i drive people around, i show up for their things, i help and show them my support, all i ask is for even a slither of that back-- is that too much? i just want to be loved. why am i so unlovable? i dont understand, i dont understand what im doing wrong, i just want someone to look at me with a hint of love.

 

[nowherelilies]

i want to disappear too. it's so strange, all i want is to just take care of someone but everytime i try to reach out to people it's like they don't know what to do with my love. it's like the world doesn't want my love.

the last guy whom i thought really loved me and who i gave my virginity to literally left me that next day saying he's incapable of love. after telling me that he loves me for almost 9 months. what's worse is he doesn't even claim that we had a relationship. it hurts in a way because i thought it was everything but for him, it's just another casual night. it's really strange. it's like they always realize that they don't love me which further strengthens my fear that i'm hard to love.

i don't know what to do at this point. i try to be kind, i don't even get angry, i held all my sadness, i try to be good, i speak softly, and i'm still hard to love. when i look at other people – my acquaintance who's toxic and verbally abusive to her boyfriend but said boyfriend still stays and fights for her – it makes me think that there really is something so fundamentally wrong with me because despite being none of those things, and despite trying to be good, people still don't want anything to do with me. it's like i'm this wounded animal that no one wants to claim and take in their home.