Venting I don't want to die alone

[lucacaro]

First - sorry for posting so much.

Anyways, I'm gonna try SN again and I usually don't plan things out so much but.. maybe I'll give myself a general date this time? February.. maybe.
I know that when I die I want to talk to the person I really like before I do. They know I'm suicidal and they were part of the reason why I didn't drink SN a few days ago. I had messaged them before I took a single sip.

But I've been thinking about it and... I don't know it just seems like a shitty thing to do. Like I know I'm more emotionally invested in them than they are me but surely they won't feel the best if I involve them. I wanted to drink first this time then talk to them but I don't want to make them feel bad? I also don't just wanna disappear without a word. I don't know what to do. It's scary to do it alone and not have final words with them. I really really like them. They're the best thing in the world to me and it's so hard to leave them. I just want to tell them what I think and what's going on but I really don't want to burden them. Ugh

Plus It's risky, they know my address. Maybe I need to find a new location to die at... :/

 

[WornOutLife]

Talking to them before doing it is really hard because they might prevent you from doing so.

In my case, I'll leave goodbye letters and videos telling my family and i friends how much I love you and how sorry I am

 

[lucacaro]

Talking to them before doing it is really hard because they might prevent you from doing so.

In my case, I'll leave goodbye letters and video telling my family and i friends how much I love you and how sorry I am

I know and I'm worried they could talk me out of it or possibly even call the cops. Unsure how easy that is for them since we live in different countries though.

And this might sound silly because of how much I said I really really like them but I don't know them in real life. All our communication is online so I can't just leave a letter or a video behind. If I died they might not even know.. unless they start snooping around maybe because they have my address to go off. But that would just be.. so impersonal?

I do have a letter for my family though... Weirdly it hurts more leaving this person online than it does leaving my own family. My letter basically just says what to do with my stuff.

 

[ihavetoleave]

I know and I'm worried they could talk me out of it or possibly even call the cops. Unsure how easy that is for them since we live in different countries though.

And this might sound silly because of how much I said I really really like them but I don't know them in real life. All our communication is online so I can't just leave a letter or a video behind. If I died they might not even know.. unless they start snooping around maybe because they have my address to go off. But that would just be.. so impersonal?

I do have a letter for my family though... Weirdly it hurts more leaving this person online than it does leaving my own family. My letter basically just says what to do with my stuff.

It isn't weird you have someone in your life that gives you something to live for. If you really want to go through with CTB you could leave instructions about how to reach this person in your note. I will say if you are still going because of a relationship (online etc it is still a connection) and it motivates you to try to make it to another day, maybe that is all you need to have for now. The choice is yours, you have options.

 

[lucacaro]

It isn't weird you have someone in your life that gives you something to live for. If you really want to go through with CTB you could leave instructions about how to reach this person in your note. I will say if you are still going because of a relationship (online etc it is still a connection) and it motivates you to try to make it to another day, maybe that is all you need to have for now. The choice is yours, you have options.

I've thought about the leaving instructions bit but I'd rather not involve anyone in our relationship. I'm pretty sure I come off as weirdly mentally ill in our messages because I'm so open and I want that to stay between us.

I know that nothing will ever really come from talking to them. I'll never really know them and they will never understand how intense my feelings are. I get happy every time we talk but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. And I know one day they will leave me because everybody does.. I basically have a mental breakdown about it every night. It's probably better I leave before they do.

And outside of them is still my whole life ahead of me and that scares me, I don't wanna be here for all that I just want to stop existing. Idk. Sorry for this rant lol

 

[ihavetoleave]

I understand. You don't need to apologize for speaking your thoughts ("ranting" lol). I'm in the same boat. I don't want to go yet it is the only thing I can really see as an option. I've got one foot here in this world and the other in the next world and I don't know what that is or means. It isn't an easy place to be.

I've thought about the leaving instructions bit but I'd rather not involve anyone in our relationship. I'm pretty sure I come off as weirdly mentally ill in our messages because I'm so open and I want that to stay between us.

I know that nothing will ever really come from talking to them. I'll never really know them and they will never understand how intense my feelings are. I get happy every time we talk but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. And I know one day they will leave me because everybody does.. I basically have a mental breakdown about it every night. It's probably better I leave before they do.

And outside of them is still my whole life ahead of me and that scares me, I don't wanna be here for all that I just want to stop existing. Idk. Sorry for this rant lol

 

[Good4Nothing]

Everybody dies alone.

 

[lucacaro]

I understand. You don't need to apologize for speaking your thoughts ("ranting" lol). I'm in the same boat. I don't want to go yet it is the only thing I can really see as an option. I've got one foot here in this world and the other in the next world and I don't know what that is or means. It isn't an easy place to be.

I understand that completely. Well written.

 

[lost_soul83]

First - sorry for posting so much.

Anyways, I'm gonna try SN again and I usually don't plan things out so much but.. maybe I'll give myself a general date this time? February.. maybe.
I know that when I die I want to talk to the person I really like before I do. They know I'm suicidal and they were part of the reason why I didn't drink SN a few days ago. I had messaged them before I took a single sip.

But I've been thinking about it and... I don't know it just seems like a shitty thing to do. Like I know I'm more emotionally invested in them than they are me but surely they won't feel the best if I involve them. I wanted to drink first this time then talk to them but I don't want to make them feel bad? I also don't just wanna disappear without a word. I don't know what to do. It's scary to do it alone and not have final words with them. I really really like them. They're the best thing in the world to me and it's so hard to leave them. I just want to tell them what I think and what's going on but I really don't want to burden them. Ugh

Plus It's risky, they know my address. Maybe I need to find a new location to die at... :/

Might I suggest mailing out a letter the day you decide to ctb? Or a delayed email? I know you really really like this person but it's not right to get them involved.

 

[lucacaro]

Might I suggest mailing out a letter the day you decide to ctb? Or a delayed email? I know you really really like this person but it's not right to get them involved.

I don't know their address or email unfortunately. I'm thinking about seeing if there is a way to send a delayed message through what we use but I'm not sure if I can.