I'm realizing how hard it is to talk to people who aren't depressed about depression. (Story and rant)
TRAGIC BACKSTORY
I brought up my depression and insecurities about being asexual to my friends recently. I do this a lot because one of them is ace too and I'm close to them. At some point I express that I don't like the idea of being viewed in a sexual way in any situation and that I would feel almost betrayed by a parter if they started making a move. Of course this is not a situation I'm even close to being in since no one has ever been attracted to me in that way or any other ways, and I I've talked about my unattractiveness and lack of social skills with them before, so they understand that's a problem I have (we'll get back to that.) so when I was talking about this (with the one friend in particular because no one else was responding in the call) I wanted to see if they had any opinions about whether or not the way I feel about myself or if the kind of person I am ties into my sexuality in ways that would make my sexuality less valid. I also wanted to see if TF could relate to it but really I know they couldn't anyway. I don't know if I made this point clear or not, but even if I did I think I would have gotten the same reaction which was pretty much "your experience is valid but I don't relate". I was butthurt and tried to ask why but they laughed it off and that was it. Now of course I'm in my feelings about it and I know I'm in the wrong for being upset in the first place but I do understand that TF didn't do anything wrong with simply stating they didn't relate so I don't say anything. But still I continue overthinking. "did TF not know what to say? Did TF just want to stop the conversation?" Were pretty much the biggest questions. I end up back on another call with three other friends ( we'll call them Two Three and Four I'm most familiar with Two but not Three and Four). At some point we're talking about celebrities and I say I wouldn't want to meet one because they wouldn't like me. Ofc they ask why and I give my reasons with being socially inept. And ofc Four in particular is confused by why I'm so insecure so we start talking about that. Now I'm sitting there trying to answer their "questions" which is just them completely invalidating what I'm telling them And then they tell me that I say one thing and then change my mind and say something completely different. (Completely retracting statements)
Me: I don't know if I can change anything I don't like about myself or even my situation so I just try to accept it so it will be easier to live and grow as a person.
Four: but you're able to change your situation
Me: It could be possible but realistically I don't think it will happen so I want to be able to accept all possibilities including disappointment.
Four: see yall she keeps backtracking on what she's trying to say. You just said it wasn't possible and all of a sudden you're saying it is.
So we continue going back and forth like shown in the example until I really do stop making sense and start making excuses for my actions which I'll give it to them I was not communicating well at all after talking for a while. At some point friend Three mentioned TF and how when I talk about my feelings with asexuality and my insecurities TF tries to help but I end up listening to what they say and agreeing with TF just to shut them down by saying I can't take whatever advice they just gave me for whatever reason. Which again is on me and my communication in some cases and in others it's me literally just not wanting to take their advice, but then it also makes me think that friend Three just didn't understand what I was trying to say in those calls in the first place based on how this conversation started. Again what friend Three mentioned has happened from time to time but I don't know whether or not it's misunderstanding or miscommunication if not a good mix of both. . They haven't expressed that it could be anything but me not communicating well and being pissy and dramatic
.
At some point I've already apologized for making them upset and not communicating more just because I wanted the conversation to be over and I was getting irritated. But I after Three had mentioned TF I took the chance and started talking about the conversation TF and me had about my asexuality and how it made me upset. Now, I was unclear about why I was telling them about this whole thing but I wanted advice on how I should handle it since they knew so damn much about me . At some point though I do say that I don't want to talk about it with TF because they didn't do anything wrong, TF just made a statement and I wasn't sure what to say or how to make it effective without blaming them for how I was feeling. But of course the response is "you're just blaming yourself now" from Friend Two and the others going on about how I'm still retracting statements. After all of this I apologize again and thank them for being honest and I leave with my feelings really not all that hurt. I get back on the call after a while and it seems friend three has poorly explained what I said on the call to TF themselves. So I told TF what I said which was like "I know you didn't do anything wrong really but I was confused by what you said because I wasn't sure if you were upset or not /. I don't know what you meant." TF responded by saying they did that because of the last conversation where I told them that I didn't like how they were trying to relate to what I was talking about by using an example that wasn't similar at all to what I was talking about and pretty much said that them trying to relate was the mistake and it wasn't helpful at the time.
(Convo)
Me: I feel disappointed in myself and disgusted by how my body looks. I've never been seen as attractive in any way shape or form and it's really fucking me up.
TF: sometimes I feel insecure too!
Me: that's not what I'm talking about
TF: you know what you're right! (something about not being able to relate to you bitches.)
Me: (realizing I may have fucked up) I know that you were trying to understand where I was coming from with a different experience, thank you for showing me your perspective. I'm sorry for assuming that you couldn't relate to my experience/ shutting your advice down so quickly.
TF: No you were right, what I was saying wasn't helpful, it was just a little bit of tough love!
Me:(thinking) wtf do they mean by tough love are they upset?
So saying "I can't relate" was the best they could come up with. Alright that's not bad, it's just that after TF said that they pointed out that it wasn't the only thing they said. Before TF said They couldn't relate to what I was talking about they went on about understanding not wanting to be seen as an object but not understanding what I was talking about even though they believed it was valid. That's interesting. Tell me how yall feel about it, but to me it sounds like TF was covering their ass. In that TF mostly wanted to point out that they said the way I felt was valid, as if that's not a completely useless thing to say. Which is cute but really… "you're valid" is necessary to a person that is wondering if whether or not what they are saying is valid. I was not asking whether or not I was valid, or for advice or help, I was asking for their outside opinion. I don't know if I made it clear or not, but I just know I have no idea how they feel about what I told them in that moment past assuming it was something negative based on them saying they couldn't relate and nothing else but laughing a little when I expressed discomfort. So… I apologize for bringing it up and they pretend to apologize even though they clearly think I disrespected them. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you upset
. they apologized for some reason.
CONCLUSION AND QUESTIONING
Was she right?
So I'm aware that the way I see this situation could be really fuckin warped so I want to see what strangers on the internet think when they look at this shit. An outside opinion. I added as much info as possible while still getting my point across but I don't want to sound like the victim in the situation.
I'm not gonna talk to them about this shit or any others like this that's for damn sure. At least not umtil I find something that would "fix" it.
IM MISERABLE AND THEY ARE NOT
The main thing that inspired this rant was how friends Two Three and four responded to me giving a reason as to why I think someone wouldn't like me which was something negative. The first thing I heard was a question "why would you say something like that about yourself?"
Why…wouldn't I? I said that I was bad with people. That is true, that is reality or at least mine.
They question why I just don't change what I like about myself.
I could change but realistically it might not so I'd rather accept dissatisfaction as well as success.
They wonder why I choose to live like that but if I want to then oh well.
This interaction could be many things
TRAGIC BACKSTORY
I brought up my depression and insecurities about being asexual to my friends recently. I do this a lot because one of them is ace too and I'm close to them. At some point I express that I don't like the idea of being viewed in a sexual way in any situation and that I would feel almost betrayed by a parter if they started making a move. Of course this is not a situation I'm even close to being in since no one has ever been attracted to me in that way or any other ways, and I I've talked about my unattractiveness and lack of social skills with them before, so they understand that's a problem I have (we'll get back to that.) so when I was talking about this (with the one friend in particular because no one else was responding in the call) I wanted to see if they had any opinions about whether or not the way I feel about myself or if the kind of person I am ties into my sexuality in ways that would make my sexuality less valid. I also wanted to see if TF could relate to it but really I know they couldn't anyway. I don't know if I made this point clear or not, but even if I did I think I would have gotten the same reaction which was pretty much "your experience is valid but I don't relate". I was butthurt and tried to ask why but they laughed it off and that was it. Now of course I'm in my feelings about it and I know I'm in the wrong for being upset in the first place but I do understand that TF didn't do anything wrong with simply stating they didn't relate so I don't say anything. But still I continue overthinking. "did TF not know what to say? Did TF just want to stop the conversation?" Were pretty much the biggest questions. I end up back on another call with three other friends ( we'll call them Two Three and Four I'm most familiar with Two but not Three and Four). At some point we're talking about celebrities and I say I wouldn't want to meet one because they wouldn't like me. Ofc they ask why and I give my reasons with being socially inept. And ofc Four in particular is confused by why I'm so insecure so we start talking about that. Now I'm sitting there trying to answer their "questions" which is just them completely invalidating what I'm telling them And then they tell me that I say one thing and then change my mind and say something completely different. (Completely retracting statements)
Me: I don't know if I can change anything I don't like about myself or even my situation so I just try to accept it so it will be easier to live and grow as a person.
Four: but you're able to change your situation
Me: It could be possible but realistically I don't think it will happen so I want to be able to accept all possibilities including disappointment.
Four: see yall she keeps backtracking on what she's trying to say. You just said it wasn't possible and all of a sudden you're saying it is.
So we continue going back and forth like shown in the example until I really do stop making sense and start making excuses for my actions which I'll give it to them I was not communicating well at all after talking for a while. At some point friend Three mentioned TF and how when I talk about my feelings with asexuality and my insecurities TF tries to help but I end up listening to what they say and agreeing with TF just to shut them down by saying I can't take whatever advice they just gave me for whatever reason. Which again is on me and my communication in some cases and in others it's me literally just not wanting to take their advice, but then it also makes me think that friend Three just didn't understand what I was trying to say in those calls in the first place based on how this conversation started. Again what friend Three mentioned has happened from time to time but I don't know whether or not it's misunderstanding or miscommunication if not a good mix of both. . They haven't expressed that it could be anything but me not communicating well and being pissy and dramatic
.At some point I've already apologized for making them upset and not communicating more just because I wanted the conversation to be over and I was getting irritated. But I after Three had mentioned TF I took the chance and started talking about the conversation TF and me had about my asexuality and how it made me upset. Now, I was unclear about why I was telling them about this whole thing but I wanted advice on how I should handle it since they knew so damn much about me . At some point though I do say that I don't want to talk about it with TF because they didn't do anything wrong, TF just made a statement and I wasn't sure what to say or how to make it effective without blaming them for how I was feeling. But of course the response is "you're just blaming yourself now" from Friend Two and the others going on about how I'm still retracting statements. After all of this I apologize again and thank them for being honest and I leave with my feelings really not all that hurt. I get back on the call after a while and it seems friend three has poorly explained what I said on the call to TF themselves. So I told TF what I said which was like "I know you didn't do anything wrong really but I was confused by what you said because I wasn't sure if you were upset or not /. I don't know what you meant." TF responded by saying they did that because of the last conversation where I told them that I didn't like how they were trying to relate to what I was talking about by using an example that wasn't similar at all to what I was talking about and pretty much said that them trying to relate was the mistake and it wasn't helpful at the time.
(Convo)
Me: I feel disappointed in myself and disgusted by how my body looks. I've never been seen as attractive in any way shape or form and it's really fucking me up.
TF: sometimes I feel insecure too!
Me: that's not what I'm talking about
TF: you know what you're right! (something about not being able to relate to you bitches.)
Me: (realizing I may have fucked up) I know that you were trying to understand where I was coming from with a different experience, thank you for showing me your perspective. I'm sorry for assuming that you couldn't relate to my experience/ shutting your advice down so quickly.
TF: No you were right, what I was saying wasn't helpful, it was just a little bit of tough love!
Me:(thinking) wtf do they mean by tough love are they upset?
So saying "I can't relate" was the best they could come up with. Alright that's not bad, it's just that after TF said that they pointed out that it wasn't the only thing they said. Before TF said They couldn't relate to what I was talking about they went on about understanding not wanting to be seen as an object but not understanding what I was talking about even though they believed it was valid. That's interesting. Tell me how yall feel about it, but to me it sounds like TF was covering their ass. In that TF mostly wanted to point out that they said the way I felt was valid, as if that's not a completely useless thing to say. Which is cute but really… "you're valid" is necessary to a person that is wondering if whether or not what they are saying is valid. I was not asking whether or not I was valid, or for advice or help, I was asking for their outside opinion. I don't know if I made it clear or not, but I just know I have no idea how they feel about what I told them in that moment past assuming it was something negative based on them saying they couldn't relate and nothing else but laughing a little when I expressed discomfort. So… I apologize for bringing it up and they pretend to apologize even though they clearly think I disrespected them. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you upset
. they apologized for some reason.CONCLUSION AND QUESTIONING
Was she right?
So I'm aware that the way I see this situation could be really fuckin warped so I want to see what strangers on the internet think when they look at this shit. An outside opinion. I added as much info as possible while still getting my point across but I don't want to sound like the victim in the situation.
I'm not gonna talk to them about this shit or any others like this that's for damn sure. At least not umtil I find something that would "fix" it.
IM MISERABLE AND THEY ARE NOT
The main thing that inspired this rant was how friends Two Three and four responded to me giving a reason as to why I think someone wouldn't like me which was something negative. The first thing I heard was a question "why would you say something like that about yourself?"
Why…wouldn't I? I said that I was bad with people. That is true, that is reality or at least mine.
They question why I just don't change what I like about myself.
I could change but realistically it might not so I'd rather accept dissatisfaction as well as success.
They wonder why I choose to live like that but if I want to then oh well.
This interaction could be many things
