trytrytryagain
Member
- Nov 30, 2023
- 27
My partner who I was with for only two months, but seemed very happy with, broke up with me a day after I told them about my SA and SV story.
I know it seems really small, but the fact that I even got a partner for a bit considering my awful looks and trauma was reassuring, I felt human again for the first time in a long time. I felt like people didn't look at me like a loser anymore, I had someone to hang out with consistently, I had someone who I could stay with at night and feel safe with after 2 years of feeling so scared and unloved. Turns out, yeah, I can't be loved the way I am I guess.
They said it really wasn't my fault and they've been feeling disconnected for a while, which is fair, but considering they had other weeks to say goodbye, why didn't they? Why say they loved me a couple weeks earlier? Why only after I open up about something the past and how it has been affecting my sexual affection presently, do they leave?
The only logical conclusion is to obviously, find a way to make myself happy alone, without the aid of other people. I used to feel happy with the way I looked but I really don't seem to be attractive to others, so I started my ED again, despite my very low weight already. I dress really weird and it makes me happy but sometimes I wish I could just dress 'normal' and be content with myself, but I can't even look at myself in the mirror if I don't look a certain way. I don't like the way people perceive me in first, visible impressions and that makes me fear I'll be alone forever. I hate existing for others, but they're the only ones that make me happy.
I obviously didn't threaten ctb in front of my ex partner, but they still made me promise to them that I wouldn't do it and now I feel stuck. I was planning on doing it tonight but I called a friend and now they are making sure I send them updates, probably to make sure I'm safe. I feel so alone still though, it never feels like enough is enough for me. I have so much that so many people don't, but I still feel useless, I feel like nothing when I'm alone, but nobody will ever love me.
How do I cope with the fact I'll probably be alone forever?
I know it seems really small, but the fact that I even got a partner for a bit considering my awful looks and trauma was reassuring, I felt human again for the first time in a long time. I felt like people didn't look at me like a loser anymore, I had someone to hang out with consistently, I had someone who I could stay with at night and feel safe with after 2 years of feeling so scared and unloved. Turns out, yeah, I can't be loved the way I am I guess.
They said it really wasn't my fault and they've been feeling disconnected for a while, which is fair, but considering they had other weeks to say goodbye, why didn't they? Why say they loved me a couple weeks earlier? Why only after I open up about something the past and how it has been affecting my sexual affection presently, do they leave?
The only logical conclusion is to obviously, find a way to make myself happy alone, without the aid of other people. I used to feel happy with the way I looked but I really don't seem to be attractive to others, so I started my ED again, despite my very low weight already. I dress really weird and it makes me happy but sometimes I wish I could just dress 'normal' and be content with myself, but I can't even look at myself in the mirror if I don't look a certain way. I don't like the way people perceive me in first, visible impressions and that makes me fear I'll be alone forever. I hate existing for others, but they're the only ones that make me happy.
I obviously didn't threaten ctb in front of my ex partner, but they still made me promise to them that I wouldn't do it and now I feel stuck. I was planning on doing it tonight but I called a friend and now they are making sure I send them updates, probably to make sure I'm safe. I feel so alone still though, it never feels like enough is enough for me. I have so much that so many people don't, but I still feel useless, I feel like nothing when I'm alone, but nobody will ever love me.
How do I cope with the fact I'll probably be alone forever?
