Venting Ever want to scream but don't know how

[MiMif]

I just feel like venting....

This vent is about absolutely nothing and I'm more writing this to understand my frustration and anguish for myself.

I feel like screaming and ripping off my skin and stabbing myself through repeatedly. However at the same time I'm completely still and thinking of nothing. I hate this....it's a feeling I don't know how to explain.

I want to cry and hate and scream ...but I can't. I don't know how to....I don't know how to do that but I want to and I can't. I want to sit down with someone and tell them that my life has been a hellhole for the past 2 years...no it might've been more then 2 years....I want someone to hear me. I want someone to care.


I want someone to hear and understand what I don't even understand about myself. However at the same time I don't want to talk to anyone...I don't want anyone near me.

I want everyone to know how much they've hurt me. Yet at the same time I know I am at fault as well and I'm sure they didn't even realize they hurt me.

I've never had an argument with anyone in my 19 years of life...cause I can't bring myself to get mad. Ive never opened up to anyone in my life either...Ive never embraced someone in a hug to express my love. I e never heard someone sincerely say they love me.

Well if my father saying that counts....but right after it he followed it by I can't stand you and wouldn't love you if you weren't my daughter.

Maybe I'm unlovable. I don't feel real. Am I here..is anything here.

Today I put on scorching hot water that made my skin red as soon as I touched it In the bath. At first I got out thinking to let it cool down...but then I went in again and let the pain engulf me. I took in the feeling and tried to process it.

I felt it yes...but it was as if it wasn't happening. I felt the pain but I didn't. I felt it physically but not humanly. I stayed there in the hot burning water burning and turning red as hell.


I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm trying to get feelings I don't even understand myself out. What is mortality...why do people hold on so dearly to life. At first I thought everyone was lying...but some people honestly seem to enjoy life.


I haven't had the best upbringing but honestly it wasn't that bad. I had food for the most part and a roof over my head. I wasn't starving and was never homeless. I experienced no electricity and poverty s but but even so I had both parents. They mightve constantly called me the devils spawn but still I had both of them and they claimed they acted like that cause they cared so much.

I'm not sure but I don't really care. It's 3 a.m right now and I'm alone with my thoughts and dying and crying without any tears coming out cause I can't even bring myself to cry for myself anymore.

I'm stuck....I need to die I've been like this for a year now.

My whole life i never understood how to interact with others...what not to do and not to say. I hated it I hated it so much. I hate how I don't understand anyone fully and they don't understand me. I hate how you can know someone for so long and love them yet they never knew you fully and could care less about you.

I might jump off a parking garage today but I'ma sleep on it. I've felt so ambiguous for months now and I can't. I'm screaming and throwing g things and crying on the top of my lungs on the inside yet on the outside I'm still and unmoving trying my best to fit into what society has made.

I hate existence...I hate living...I hate working. I hate being tired. I want to stop being tired...I want to sleep without having to worry about waking up and working.

You have to work hard If you want to live in society...to be a functioning member. If you don't your useless and a degenerate. I will admit that philosophy holds some truth. So I wish I stead of everyone telling me that and that I should get up and work they would just let me end my life so I could stop being s bother to everyone. I'm sick of working...I want to sleep.




This was a vent...I said so much yet at the same time nothing at all ...the story of my life.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I relate to a lot of what you said, especially this specific feeling of internally wanting to scream and cry and stab myself but not being able to. I started having this feeling at your age and now I'm 23 and I still get it sometimes, though less frequently. It always passes but then it always comes back.

This song helps me a lot while I wait for it to pass, maybe it could help you too.

I can't offer much in the way of help, but just know that another soul has now heard your cries and seen your pain. Best wishes.

 

[MiMif]

I relate to a lot of what you said, especially this specific feeling of internally wanting to scream and cry and stab myself but not being able to. I started having this feeling at your age and now I'm 23 and I still get it sometimes, though less frequently. It always passes but then it always comes back.

This song helps me a lot while I wait for it to pass, maybe it could help you too.

I can't offer much in the way of help, but just know that another soul has now heard your cries and seen your pain. Best wishes.

Thanks for the song music is one of my only comforts in life so I appreciate it

 

[Dark Window]

One thing that may help is putting a pillow in front of your face so others cannot hear and let it go.

Sometimes you're hesitant because others will hear.