Discussion How long have you been suicidal?

[chlorine]

I wonder for how long you've been suicidal or mentally unhealthy. I can't remember when I started being suicidal, though it must've been a pretty long time. I think I've always reacted to things or stress in an unhealthy way probably also due to the dysfunctional family I'm in. and that led me to where I am right now. What about you?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I wonder for how long you've been suicidal or mentally unhealthy. I can't remember when I started being suicidal, though it must've been a pretty long time. I think I've always reacted to things or stress in an unhealthy way probably also due to the dysfunctional family I'm in. and that led me to where I am right now. What about you?

Since I was in my teens. I wish I had done it back then. I would have saved myself years of misery.
I know they always say that "Things will get better" .... Not for everyone.

 

[marcusuk63]

since my early teens with very brief splatterings of short lived semi-happiness in between

 

[Begemont]

Since I was 10. Maybe a bit younger than that. I had 3 almost decent years in between all the shit though.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

since my early teens with very brief splattering of short lived semi-happiness in between

I also had a short period of happiness but it didn't last. I was only fooling myself to think that it could.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Since about 6/7 things went down hill fast always bad and when things for two months were goin ok,last year, i wasnt able to handle it i knew it would get bad again so couldn't even enjoy my two months of ok....now i know im going this time.....

 

[chlorine]

Since I was in my teens. I wish I had done it back then. I would have saved myself years of misery.
I know they always say that "Things will get better" .... Not for everyone.

I agree. they always say that it's just a phase and you''l be just fine and everything will get better. People who say this usually have no clue what it's like to have these issues and feeling trapped in their own mind. they really have no say in this, even if some of them say that everyone goes through things like these at least once in their life, but no one truly knows how other people feel and how they deal with these things. Especially when it's not just a 'one time episode' but it's a recurrent and persistent state of self abuse or suicidality that causes us to constantly wish we were dead.

 

[Empty Smile]

since my early teens with very brief splattering of short lived semi-happiness in between

My sentiments exactly.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I remember during my adolescence, having passing thoughts of wanting to jump in front of a train or throw myself into oncoming traffic and things, but nothing like the deep depression and abject despair I'm experiencing now.

 

[Memento Mori]

since i had to be in contact with many ppl (like kindergarten)

 

[Soul]

Hm. I don't feel "mentally unhealthy". I've known since I was a child that I want to die on my own terms. I did go through a phase of depression (well, more like a decade) but the fact that that's passed doesn't change my conviction. The fact that I have an incurable illness has made it easier for people close to me to understand what I need to do, but my decision to ctb came decades before I got sick, and I strongly believe people shouldn't have to be terminally ill (or "mentally unhealthy") to "qualify" for a dignified death.

 

[chlorine]

Hm. I don't feel "mentally unhealthy". I've known since I was a child that I want to die on my own terms. I did go through a phase of depression (well, more like a decade) but the fact that that's passed doesn't change my conviction. The fact that I have an incurable illness has made it easier for people close to me to understand what I need to do, but my decision to ctb came decades before I got sick, and I strongly believe people shouldn't have to be terminally ill (or "mentally unhealthy") to "qualify" for a dignified death.

totally agree. we shouldnt force people to die and we shouldnt force them to live either. I0m sorry you have an incurable illness, if it doesnt bother you telling me, what is that?

 

[Soul]

Thanks, chlorine. I've got emphysema, which I don't recommend to anyone. For now I still enjoy enough to stick around, but I need to be prepared for when that changes.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

My parents divorce fucked me in the head, went down hill from there. Started becoming really depressed at 10 suicidal at around the same time, maybe 11. But I think every since the divorce it has been there. Idk can't explain it.

 

[chlorine]

My parents divorce fucked me in the head, went down hill from there. Started becoming really depressed at 10 suicidal at around the same time, maybe 11. But I think every since the divorce it has been there. Idk can't explain it.

I understand. My parents divorced when I was about 3 or 4 years old and since then it's been a total mess. They were pressing charges against each other, we moved a lot, I was often in abusive environments and stuff like that. It surely wasn't an easy divorce. My mother was absent and still is today, even though she probably doesn't realize it. In these days that I'm the hospital she even went on a cruise (she doesn't know I know that, as usual) and my father is too strict. I think our family environment shapes us a lot especially when we're kids. That's why I don't think I'll ever have kids or get married. If you're mentally compromised you'll probably end up doing the same to your children.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

I understand. My parents divorced when I was about 3 or 4 years old and since then it's been a total mess. They were pressing charges against each other, we moved a lot, I was often in abusive environments and stuff like that. It surely wasn't an easy divorce. My mother was absent and still is today, even though she probably doesn't realize it. In these days that I'm the hospital she even went on a cruise (she doesn't know I know that, as usual) and my father is too strict. I think our family environment shapes us a lot especially when we're kids. That's why I don't think I'll ever have kids or get married. If you're mentally compromised you'll probably end up doing the same to your children.

Despite everything I think I still want kids, at least if I don't off myself. Mine divorced when I was 5, mom cheated. They're still fighting here and there. Not in contact with mom anymore. Maybe someday. Lot of police visits because my brother ran away a lot when we were at her house. Not the happiest memories. Sure there are some good ones, but the bad ones seem to stick more + good ones hurt.

 

[MAC10]

I've been suicidal for many years, dating back as far as my childhood. I just didn't understand what it meant back then, I would shield it and shield it even more into my teens, but I always felt like something was up. Now being older, I have come to the conclusion that yes, I am majorly depressed and have suicidal thoughts daily. But when I was young, I blocked negative thoughts out of my head.

 

[Taylor]

Class of 2015, here.

 

[Kyrok]

I remember writing a will around the age of 8.

 

[netrezven]

Since kid i was somehow f*cked up in my head. Normal and i can say it - a good family. It has been almost an year since this wish, need or whatever you call it come inside me, still can't get rid of it. After so many months of such state, i can say i'm very different person now. I really have no life in my eyes. The only things that are keeping me going/besides my family/ are that this or I will change some day, make lots of cash.
Well, for me most of the people i know or met are living in the same cage as me, but being normal never was in my nature. I had the sense for boring and simple life till a year ago. One simple thing removed all the meaning in living like that.

 

[GreyMagic]

Too long....

 

[littlelungs]

Since I was 8. I'm only 23, and sure, my body is young... but man, it's been a long life.

 

[wanttodie]

about 20 years

 

[TAW122]

I'd say ever since my teenage years, however, I have been on and off in the last few years, with some times being really badly, but never opened up nor acted on my thoughts because I don't want to risk failure and/or intervention and end up in a psych ward (which is worse than being alive and having some freedom).

 

[Donewitheverything]

It's been on and off since I was 14, so I'm going to say almost 10 years. However, it's been more consistent ever since my ex cheated on me last month, making me feel worthless and confirming the biases against myself. My LDR is far better so far, but the distance hurts me inside. I just feel so alone.... My loneliness makes me want to die.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Since high school 2010-the current present year 2019 not suicidal at the moment but just looking for the truth and wondering how many times I've attempted suicide but I am smart enough to know that the people who are claiming to help me probably are just testing me or maybe they are trying to make me worse psych evaluation and eviction meeting been drugged on truth serum, raped, tried killing myself multiple times secure housing raped, straitjacketed, blackmailed, but some people probably won't believe me but who cares all I care about is the truth not interested in reliving my past did a lot of terrible things if anyone is good enough at tracing my data and looking into all the good and bad things I've done if you have that sort of skill just send me a message via pm on here if you have the ability to do that.

 

[JadedGray]

I first thought of suicide when I was 6 and tried to make my first attempt at 7, but I didn't become chronically depressed and suicidal until I was 9. My life, for the most part ended then.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I've been passively suicidal for the entirety of my life (of varying intensity) after the age of 12 but I've only ever been actively suicidal until early may of this year where I typed into the search bar "how to shoot myself in the head" for the very first time. That's how I found Lostallhope and shortly after, this place.

 

[Baskol1]

Im suicidal since im a teen, because thats when my life started to go downhill.

 

[nzdarkshark]

Around age 14 - but small bits of happiness occurred here and there until age 16.