Discussion How long have you been suicidal?

[StillWaiting]

5 years ago. It only get worse

 

[Gratefulcorpse]

since i had to be in contact with many ppl (like kindergarten)

That also describes my miserable experience in this world. At the age of 5 years I swallowed rat poison, unfortunately my family got me to a hospital where they successfully added more time in my experience. At the age of 12 I started getting used to cutting myself. By 15 years old, I would cry almost every night because I started thinking reluctantly about suicide. At 17 years, i was intentionally poisoning myself to accelerate my journey to ctb. Eventually I was taking drugs at 18 because I was hoping for a drug overdose. Today I'm turning 19 years in 17 days and I still want to ctb, unless my experience changes
dramatically to a life of riches, it does not make sense for me stay like this for the next 10/15y years. I would rather die.

 

[Alpha_Draco_Pegasus]

I was sitting in chemistry class in 10th grade at age 16. I was having a very miserable year, the most depressive yet. I had no friends, no prospects, no confidence, and so I just suddenly realized as if in an "ah-ha" moment, why shouldn't I just kill myself? It was kind of a relief in that it seemed like a solution, although it surely saddened me that my life had come to this. The past few years, age 13, 14, 15 I had been becoming more socially withdrawn, less talkative, resentful, angry, hateful and detached.

A few months afterwards, at 16 and a half I sought therapy and finally told my mom of how much despair I had been in. I worked on recovering for a while and decided to give adolescent life a chance, until half way through 11th grade, when I decided that I wanted to commit suicide - came close to an attempt but never attempted.

So I was suicidal from ages 16-17 initially, then recovered come early adulthood, and around age 22-23 when I started having substance abuse problems and became homeless, suicide appealed to me once more. Then I recovered from homelessness and addiction at age 24, and after 2 years I have now decided once and for all that I ought to commit suicide before my addiction conquers me and I lose control of my life, which is surely a possibility for me because I have relapsed 4 times in the last 2 years though avoiding homelessness and thankfully staying employed. One more relapse could cause it to all fall apart though. I won't always be so lucky.

 

[Mr2005]

Since 2010

 

[mynameispaige]

I've had depression for as long as I can remember. But I think my first suicidal thoughts were when I was 11. It's now been 12 years since then. It started off as just casually thinking I might want to die and then just kept getting worse as I got older.

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

The first time was when I was 10. But it's really a neverending suffering since 4 years.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Since last summer... of "the trauma".... Since then wanted to die.....

 

[Wayfaerer]

Since last summer... of "the trauma".... Since then wanted to die.....

Sounds like me, except what caused my downward spiral was something I did 4 years prior to then and was mostly unaware the entire time! I've been a complete mess since June of 2018 and it's only getting worse.

 

[woxihuanni]

I've never been suicidal when I could meet my basic needs for the time and had a reasonable chance of having emotional needs met at some point in future. It's only when I could not have basics that I became suicidal.

 

[peacefully31425]

I've had the occasional thoughts of suicide for the last several years but I didn't consider myself actively "suicidal" until a couple years ago.

 

[burnedCookie]

The first time I really started to think about suicide I was around 18, it was right after a violent accident that made things worse.
But I was depressed long before that. It seems to me that I've always been different and sad, always uncomfortable in society even as a child.

I think some people are just genetically not made for life. That's what I've always thought of myself.

 

[Numbtopain97]

since i was 7.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I've been passively suicidal for the entirety of my life (of varying intensity) after the age of 12 but I've only ever been actively suicidal until early may of this year where I typed into the search bar "how to shoot myself in the head" for the very first time. That's how I found Lostallhope and shortly after, this place.

I've been passively suicidal similar to you Wayfaerer except after the age of 10. I became actively suicidal in May as well.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I've been passively suicidal similar to you Wayfaerer except after the age of 10. I became actively suicidal in May as well.

what a coincidence

 

[Tabbyql]

Since I was 9, that was when i tried to kill my self eating a load of shaving cream. Because it said on the tin it can kill if consumed. I was very disappointed.

 

[Ness]

I don't really remember much of my childhood up until I was a teenager and even now I'm forgetting a lot of those times too, so I can't say for sure when it started but I know I've wanted to die for a decade at least. I try my best to not think about what it was like growing up and for the most part, I've succeeded.

 

[Sargasm]

I have had depression my entire life (37). As far as I can tell I was born with it. I had always been sad and afraid and disconnected from the world, but the idea of killing myself had simply never occurred to me.

I became passively suicidal about eight years ago (29) when a lot of things went horribly wrong. I started wishing that I wasn't alive any more and that I could just fall asleep and not wake up. That was when I started using the idea of suicide as a coping mechanism through dark times because I knew I had a way out.

I became actively suicidal about four years ago (33) when things became much, much worse. That was when I started researching methods and places to do it. I knew that it was a reality and would only be a matter of time before I went through with it, and I wanted to be ready.

Now, I have been pushed so far past my limits that I regret every second of every day. I am just waiting for my brain to tell me that it is time. Time to go outside, sit down in my broken down truck, look at some painful memories of happier times in my phone, put the gun to my head, and let those memories pull the trigger.