Venting Family Commenting on Weight

[pinkbluebutch]

I recently went to visit home briefly, and I've gained a good deal of weight (which I recognize is not healthy, as I know what my healthy weight is and it's not this) since I last saw them, and during this visit, both of my parents were nonstop criticizing my weight. It came from a place of concern, and I know that they're valid to be concerned (a heart issue associated with weight gain runs in our family) but it just is upsetting to know how different I look and how I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I don't want to use the reply of "Well it's hard to take care of my body when all I want to do is destroy it" because that's just manipulative, but I truly don't know what to do. Although they didn't say it, so logically I have no reason to interpret it this way, it feels like a moral judgment; they kept talking about how I need to reduce sugar and wheat etc etc, (my dad is on the Keto diet so carbs are his enemy) and I just feel like I already find it so hard to feed myself and I now feel myself slipping back into unhealthy dietary desires; even though I know anorexia doesn't work and excessively restrictive diets only lead to more weight gain, I feel like nothing I've been doing has been working. I tried intuitive eating but my weight just keeps going up. I don't want to go back to a cycle of starving myself and binging, but I just don't know another solution, and partially I want to punish myself because I don't feel I deserve food (another illogical thought but a hard one to combat). I just feel worthless, and on top of all my other failures (no post-graduation plans, no accomplishments to be proud of, slipping grades, etc) it has just driven me into a hole.

My suicidal ideation has been worse and worse, even though I was on top of it for several months, and I can feel myself slipping from passive suicidality into active suicidality, and I don't like being like that because I become a worse friend, partner, student, child, everything. I can't help but wish I could kill myself and spare everyone around me from worrying and dealing with me, even though it's selfish.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

I'm sorry your parents said the offensive things they did.

I used food as a crutch too. I was doing well. In fact, I lost a lot of weight recently. Then I suffered a setback in my life and started pigging out and hitting the bottle. But I've decided that this is unacceptable and will just make me more unhappy in the long run. I don't want to undo the hard work I did.

I honestly believe that unless the mental illness is treated we will not win the battle against our addictions, whether they be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. because they are desperate attempts to force some happiness in our lives. I could only get my drinking under control when I was medicated with venlafaxine and mirtazapine.

 

[bipbapbop]

I'm so sorry that your parents are commenting on your body like that. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about someone else's body without being asked. I have been overweight since I was a child and my mother constantly bringing it up did nothing but make me gain more weight and hate myself. I think what's really obnoxious is that they seem to believe that we aren't aware of our weight? Like we don't live in these bodies and look in the mirror every day? Recently, my mental health spiral has reversed my weight and I've lost about 40 pounds in a few months because I just don't have the energy to eat. I do NOT recommend it. I am so weak and frail and get so dizzy standing up. My mother has stopped commenting about my body but I think that she's actually worried about my rapid weight loss now.

Anyways, are you asking for advice for weight loss or are you taking this space to vent? I think @Vetrarnott has a good point that we can't treat our additions until we treat our mental health. I hope you find some relief in this forum.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

I'm sorry your parents said the offensive things they did.

I used food as a crutch too. I was doing well. In fact, I lost a lot of weight recently. Then I suffered a setback in my life and started pigging out and hitting the bottle. But I've decided that this is unacceptable and will just make me more unhappy in the long run. I don't want to undo the hard work I did.

I honestly believe that unless the mental illness is treated we will not win the battle against our addictions, whether they be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. because they are desperate attempts to force some happiness in our lives. I could only get my drinking under control when I was medicated with venlafaxine and mirtazapine.

Thanks for your reply, I agree wholeheartedly, I used to have a drinking problem but once I got medicated (particularly with ritalin, as it interacts horribly with alcohol in my experience) it lessened and now I only drink socially with friends on days I don't need to take my ritalin. I think I'll try to be moderate, and spend time doing more physical activity, as that's been the main change since my weight gain (aside from getting medicated but I'm not gonna stop that now).

 

[Ash’Girl]

I'm sorry. Comments on weight and appearance always have the potential to hurt, even if they are well meaning, but when you have a history of any kind of body dysmorphia and/or disordered eating they can really trigger relapse. I wish people could be more mindful before opening their mouths of how harmful such comments can be.

Also, right there with you re the weight issues. Only time I was a healthy weight as per medical opinion, I was alternating highly restrictive eating / full on starving myself with binge and purge sessions. But I wasn't underweight so hey, awesome, look how good you're looking! Even the drs were not concerned because the scales said I was within ideal range.

Even if I eat healthily and exercise regularly, my weight still creeps up. It usually plateaus and I can maintain it in the "overweight" category if I exercise 2-3 hours a day but if I don't it creeps up more. Yay for my hormonal imbalance, genetics and fucked metabolism.

And I have zero energy or motivation to exercise anymore.

Big hugs.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

I'm so sorry that your parents are commenting on your body like that. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about someone else's body without being asked. I have been overweight since I was a child and my mother constantly bringing it up did nothing but make me gain more weight and hate myself. I think what's really obnoxious is that they seem to believe that we aren't aware of our weight? Like we don't live in these bodies and look in the mirror every day? Recently, my mental health spiral has reversed my weight and I've lost about 40 pounds in a few months because I just don't have the energy to eat. I do NOT recommend it. I am so weak and frail and get so dizzy standing up. My mother has stopped commenting about my body but I think that she's actually worried about my rapid weight loss now.

Anyways, are you asking for advice for weight loss or are you taking this space to vent? I think @Vetrarnott has a good point that we can't treat our additions until we treat our mental health. I hope you find some relief in this forum.

I'm sorry about your experience, and I appreciate your sympathy. It's so strange to me because people behave as if we're just pleased as punch with our bodies and don't receive familial and societal backlash for it constantly. It's so ironic how they happily negatively comment on a person's weight (especially weight gain) until they see the damage. Even if the starvation isn't purposeful and a side effect of a lack of zest for life, so to speak, that low energy comes from constantly warding off negative comments and horrible thoughts, caused by the people who are supposed to help and support us.

As far as what I'm seeking, I'm open to advice or commiserating or what have you, but my primary purpose in posting was venting so I could write out and hopefully better understand how I myself feel.

I'm sorry. Comments on weight and appearance always have the potential to hurt, even if they are well meaning, but when you have a history of any kind of body dysmorphia and/or disordered eating they can really trigger relapse. I wish people could be more mindful before opening their mouths of how harmful such comments can be.

Also, right there with you re the weight issues. Only time I was a healthy weight as per medical opinion, I was alternating highly restrictive eating / full on starving myself with binge and purge sessions. But I wasn't underweight so hey, awesome, look how good you're looking! Even the drs were not concerned because the scales said I was within ideal range.

Even if I eat healthily and exercise regularly, my weight still creeps up. It usually plateaus and I can maintain it in the "overweight" category if I exercise 2-3 hours a day but if I don't it creeps up more. Yay for my hormonal imbalance, genetics and fucked metabolism.

And I have zero energy or motivation to exercise anymore.

Big hugs.

Ugh I totally get it. It feels like losing the genetic lottery. For a while I was maintaining a good weight (although it was in the overweight category technically, I was happy (at least, happier) with how I felt and looked), but it has been nonstop creeping up, and I feel like I'm going crazy because it's not like I'm eating like crazy or completely sedentary, though I could use to do more physical activity, and I haven't changed so severely as to explain this weight gain. It's so hard to see your body change and not fit into old clothes, but not want to throw them out or buy new ones because of how much it all fluctuates.

I hope society is able to recognize that BMI is not God, and that it alone doesn't dictate a person's well being, especially since there's too many outside factors for it to be a wholly reliable measurement of what a healthy weight is. Even when I was at my smallest, and super physically fit (I was a swimmer in high school), I was still overweight because of my muscle mass, which is so dumb.

I wish you the best in this journey and I really appreciate the sympathy <3

 

[Kattt]

Starving and binging usually causes weight gain. And purging will end up with teeth and hair falling out, burns on the hands, the face and in the aesophegus from stomach acid. It ain't pretty. You say you don't care, but that's not true.
You just feel frustrated and are lacking motivation because that's what happens when you're suffering with clinical depression.
That's not your regular "low mood" depression, but rather a profound and serious mental illness. You absolutely need to see a doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist.
It's no different to having COVID or a broken leg. You wouldn't hesitate to get medical attention for those, so don't let anyone try and diminish the validity of your condition and your need for appropriate medical treatment.


As for losing weight...all effective diets are a matter of controlling calorific intake.
Get a calorie counter (a book or you can get apps for smartphones).
Calories are just measurements of energy.
So measure every calorie you ingest each day -write it down -everything you eat and drink, then tot it up before bed each night.

You can pick up an off-brand activity band for about £10-£15 on eBay.
I laughed off getting one for the longest time.

Activity?? Me??

But they're actually really useful. Forgetting the exercise stuff, it helps you recognise how many calories you use each day. It also monitors your sleep, your pulse, your cycle, has alarms, timers, vibrates when you get notifications and calls, let's you read your texts on your wrist along with the identity of callers. You can also control the camera from your wrist and there's a handy tool for regulating respiration. When my doctor asked me to check my pulse using it, I was saved an unnecessary trip to the surgery.

When you have your total calories ingested (food AND drinks) and the amount used, you can figure out if you're eating more than you need.

When we do that, our body lays down the excess as fat deposits, for later use.
It's just matter of living in a deficit situation by adjusting the type of food you eat.

Although it IS virtually impossible to do this with diet alone. Exercise is your key to enjoying your food whist not piling on the pounds.

It might seem ludicrous after what you said about your body, but I guarantee you won't be anywhere near to the biggest person there.

I'm talking about swimming. It's the best type of all round exercise/work out. It's the easiest too, as the water supports your body weight, so you're weightless, like a spaceman.

Of course you are horrified by the idea of appearing publicly in a swimsuit.. just remember that once you're under the water, nobody can see you. Anyway, a great many people (I'm one of them) see larger people there and have nothing but admiration for them. At least they're doing something instead of moaning or self pitying.

As long as you're trying, you can hold your head up high, whatever anyone says.