Discussion How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

[Sslsh]

How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

At times I definitely want to do it, at other times I am more on the fence.

How are things for you?

Even when I feel I'm not ready, I am aware of the fact that it's not a question of if, but when.

 

[Rockman]

100%. Matter of money and training in method.

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

If I had a gun there's be a blank cartridge on my carpet and carbon stains to clean... Lol

 

[WearyWanderer]

A trillion percent. It's only the fact that no method is 100 percent guaranteed that prevents me.

 

[WatermelonMel]

1000% once things go south I'm out.

 

[Lupgevif]

It's not about whether I'll do it or not anymore, it's only about when.

 

[Ender]

It's going to happen, i just want myself to break first, so it's easier for me to downplay my SI

 

[RowdyH999]

A trillion percent. It's only the fact that no method is 100 percent guaranteed that prevents me.

H2S in a camping tent :) One breath over 1000ppm instantly knocks you out. Gone in 5 minutes. Leave signs though.

 

[Sslsh]

I've known since a young age that this is how it would end for me. And these days, I've never been more certain.

Not a question of if but when

 

[yive]

1.000.000.000.000%

 

[coldcoldcold]

i honestly don't know. i've been dealing with these thoughts a long time (since i was about 10) and i've come really close to going through with it a few times. aside from that, it's just always been a thought in the back of my head, something i turn to when things get to be too much. i've never been at a point where i truly wanted to die, merely a point where i wanted everything to stop if that makes sense, and of course being that desperate i would/would've take(n) those steps. now i'm kinda at that point again except i know i don't really want to die, but if things keep getting worse then i'd be back where i was to start with. sorry this is so long

 

[gimme_my_happy_nap]

Not that certain tbh. A part of me kind of is okay with living. The other part of me hates the part of me that is okay with living. Life is absurd.
Idk if I really belong here tbh. But it's a lovely place even though filled with sadness.

 

[alown]

I have almost no doubts, the only one is about the method. If I had a button on the back of my head that would turn me off instantly if pressed, I'd hit it like crazy.

very fair and I think like you, it is on the one hand reassuring to know that we are going to choose our time, it remains to choose the method so that it is as unpleasant as possible.

I believe that the worst thing of all in human existence is not knowing how we are going to disappear. we all know how we were born, i don't understand why we shouldn't have the choice of how to leave.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that death is the best option for me and I take comfort in it. I have honestly been feeling that way for a long time, but I feel held back by actually going through with the method as I fear that. So I desire to die but lack the actual desire to ctb. I would love to just dissapear.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Positive I want to die, scared of failure and permanent damage done):

 

[S like Siren]

I haven't experienced a single second where I wouldn't have accepted an instant death for the last five years.

Certain like this!

 

[newave3]

As certain as I am in the belief that life SUCKS and I am 100% certain of that.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Certain of the desire? Yes. But willing? No - not completely.

 

[landojustwannactb]

How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

At times I definitely want to do it, at other times I am more on the fence.

How are things for you?

Sometimes i feel like u totally. And sometimes when i wake up i just wanna bathe in gasoline and light myself on fire

 

[WaterHemlock]

Barring a miracle, it'll be sometime later this year. Possibly October or my birthday, November 1st. In some traditions that's the day of the dead, how appropriate.
For most of my life I've tried to look for reasons to live, or at least reasons to put off suicide. The reasons have fallen away one by one. They aren't being replaced anymore.

The first time I took conscious direct steps to end my life I was 13. I was so innocent. I'd written my toddler brothers a suicide note and went off in the woods to find a piece of glass to cut my wrist. It wasn't sharp enough or I wasn't brave enough. I went back to the house to get a knife instead and glanced at the note still lying on my bed. I had a sudden, crystal clear realization. There was absolutely no reason on that note that would be good enough for a small child.
If I hadn't had that realization before I went to wash off the blood, then what happened next probably would have sealed the deal. My mother and step father laughed and mocked me. They tried to take a picture of my wrists with their new polaroid. I actually had forgotten (much of my childhood is locked away in my mind) until I found the picture, me with swollen eyes and a bloody towel across my shoulder giving them the finger.
My whole life since then has been finding reasons to not kill myself YET.
Im out of reasons. I'm just trying to enjoy one last season, one last summer, the last year in a home of my own, a garden of my own, a tiny piece of ground where I can sit in privacy and safety with my feet in the grass watching bees and butterflies. Such a luxury and more than many people have, I know.

I've tried to join groups and increase my contacts (Who knew there was a 12 Step group for people with emotional problems!??? Emotions Anonymous, there's groups all over and online ones too) I've joined churches and woman's groups and guitars groups and sci Fi groups. I'm thankful for COVID, (but remembering the very real tragedy of it) cause it let me have much wider opportunity to connect.
Yet here I am slipping away.

I'm thankful to have a place to write these words where others can read them, it's kind of like a crowd sourced diary.

I'm grateful to share in so many other's stories too. It makes me feel less alone.

 

[wanttodie]

100%

 

[IHaveNoName]

I feel like I really really fucking need to, I destroy everyhting, I'm useless at all of this and my existt only makes other peoples lives shit.The only way I can talk about any of this is if I drink and that's not good for anyone and then I get onto this shit where I want to live, I want to work hard and get some land and live my own life how I want to but in reality I'm too shit at dealing with people to make any of it work.
I really am 100% sure I want to CBT existing for any longer is just more shit to deal with I really hate existing so fucking much and even with this I go through times of doubt mostly I'm waiting for others to die so I can finally stop this shit.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

completely certain.

 

[suicideseeker]

I'm not very certain at all, I don't have strong reason to suicide but I don't have any reason to stay. So I'm intent on killing myself because I don't enjoy living. Certainly if the mental health care system were better I'd get the help I need but the system is broken for me so I'm going to die.

 

[AppelduVide]

100% Give me a sure method and I'm off .

 

[RedundantRecord]

Since I steadily find non-existence to be perfectly preferable to everything else, I'm fully certain of the desire to personally cease my existence. It's my method, place and time of death that isn't resolute yet.

 

[nobodyspecial]

I'm completely certain. It's all about finding the right method, place, and time now.

 

[Dear Agony]

100% certain. The only variable is my mom and the only reason why I haven't done it yet. But I know one day I will, I have been certain of this for years. I will CTB, or at least, I really, really hope I will. I want death, not a miserable life of suffering.

 

[ItsTimeToExit]

It is definitely happening unless someone figures out my plan and stops me.

The only thing that I'm angry about is that I didn't plan this sooner because next weekend would have been the perfect time to CTB. Perhaps I get lucky (yeah right) that my N from D arrives within the week and I can finally be free of this hell.

 

[ITSCHRISHERE123]

How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

At times I definitely want to do it, at other times I am more on the fence.

How are things for you?

I 100% want to CTB. Waiting on my sn now! :)