Discussion How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

[inthemoonblue]

I've known since a young age that this is how it would end for me. And these days, I've never been more certain.

 

[Meditation guide]

I would do it now if it were easy.

 

[nolongerhuman]

It's not if, it's when.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I'm getting there. I have SN and stuff, I'm writing my final essay, etc. Last year in June I was around 75% ready to die, now I'm closer to 90%. I just need to make there's nothing worth writing down or sticking around for.

 

[TwoTenEightyEight]

How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

At times I definitely want to do it, at other times I am more on the fence.

How are things for you?

If I could snap my fingers and drop dead right now, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I know that death is earned; I'm going to have to suffer moderately in order to achieve it. That's going to take drive.

 

[W’ren]

My conviction is 100%

Every day i daydream of it.

I await my time, so that i can have peace at last from this torment.

 

[unlovible000]

My desire has been less lately, I don't know why. Still wish I was dead though.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

This is like asking the cookie monster if he's certain he'll want to eat cookies tomorrow.

Mmm, Nembutal cookies.

 

[lofticries]

Right now I'm content with being alive since life isn't that chaotic(still depressing) and have a goal to at least hold out until my parents die. That way I can leave the earth with no mental baggage. Since that's probably what stops me from CTB right now.

My ideal method is probably gonna take more researching as well. Also I still hold onto the dream of getting my hands on some nembutal.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

100 percent.

the only question is timing : now or in 30 years when experiencing old age related health problems?

covid has brought me to the brink but things are looking up in my area

 

[Error1987]

100%, doing it next year. It's inevitable

 

[muffin222]

Not certain. That's why I still haven't died yet

 

[sadgirl9999]

90% ~ idk if i'll ever get over the fear of messing up, or the possibility of an afterlife (which is so fucking scary to me lol) buuut. i'm suffering so much here that it's almost worth the risk. we die anyways. eventually.

 

[fred farkle]

If there were a button I could press that would instantly snuff out my existence (like the button provided by Pegasos that floods IV Nembutal into your veins) then I'd be long gone by now. I want to die, it's just that my barriers are the prospect of failure and being left even worse off than I am now in the physical department. If I fail at SN (which I do have accessible to me) the hypoxia is likely to exacerbate my pre-existing nerve damage (as opposed to in a healthy individual) and then I'll be sectioned and forced to relive my PTSD from my first attempt in addition to dealing with my excruciating nerve pain (which I know from past experience that orderlies aren't remotely sympathetic to.)

I actually think the ultimate goal behind "sectioning" someone isn't to help them, it's to traumatize them badly enough that they won't dare risk attempting suicide again for fear of being re-subjected to the same horrific experience.

a lot of sad stories,yours particularly touched me. i wish you good fortune and being succesfulhowever you define success!

 

[Bigpink]

Like others have said if it was easier would have done it long ago, hopefully I will have that courage at some point soon

 

[worthlessdisaster]

i'm ready. there's nothing here for me. once i'm gone it won't matter and everyone will be able to carry on and continue living their lives without some burden or inconvenience. have my backpack ready for the night night method. i won't do it here i'm going to go where very little people will go during this time. i just feel like i want to practice a little bit. i'm not messing this up because i don't want to come back. i am reminded everyday i'm not wanted and i can be alone dead. i don't need to be breathing and miserable. might go have a nice lunch and go look at a few more places. i'm done crying and just having my cat. i hate my life

 

[Wrennie]

This is like asking the cookie monster if he's certain he'll want to eat cookies tomorrow.

Mmm, Nembutal cookies.

A needs to become a baker. Imagine if Nembutal was actually made to be delicious? Then the final taste-related barrier of discomfort would be completely eliminated.

 

[Gregory1234]

For me, I have just been researching on my method to prepare for when I need it. It depends on whether I can pass this obstacle or not. If I can, then I perhaps have no need for it but if I don't then it might be the pushing point for me.

 

[iTriedButCursed]

I'll end it this year. I'm done. I don't even care anymore. About anything. Getting to the calm stage now...

 

[Into The Void]

My desire to commit suicide is 100% but that won't be for another several decades. I already have several methods ready at my disposal for that faithful day. I just hope I don't die in a car accident or similar in the meantime.

 

[builtwrong]

things have only been getting worse. For most of the time I had my gun I figured it would happen sooner or later, but then my computers PSU fried the whole system and I've just got nothing left. I'm only able to keep my urges at bay when I'm high enough to keep myself too apathetic to do it, but I've run out of that too. My dad gave up on me as well, who I'd been living for since I was a kid. I suppose it's inevitable at this point, it's just a matter of if I'll be able to wait until I'm out of this situation I have myself wrapped up in and keep the splash of my suicide to a minimum.

 

[Panna]

SI aside, I keep hoping to die in my sleep, my daily stress is enough where it'll kill me if it stays as high as it is eventually. I'd say ctb is a high possibility though, my happiness is waiting for this current one to end and I cant wait 30 or so years for that to happen.

 

[Ghostmedic]

i'm ready. there's nothing here for me. once i'm gone it won't matter and everyone will be able to carry on and continue living their lives without some burden or inconvenience. have my backpack ready for the night night method. i won't do it here i'm going to go where very little people will go during this time. i just feel like i want to practice a little bit. i'm not messing this up because i don't want to come back. i am reminded everyday i'm not wanted and i can be alone dead. i don't need to be breathing and miserable. might go have a nice lunch and go look at a few more places. i'm done crying and just having my cat. i hate my life

How old are you? (Sorry blunt is the best way to gather data) I am 35, but the heartbreak loneliness and sort of betrayal of (i am assuming what you thought were-) genuine connections, I remember enduring this, andnit beckming worse and worse each time i would fall and love and ultimately would be left, abandoned or betrayed, and realizing that all humans are just out for themselves there are no real friendships, and I kept falling in love even more the next time with the next person, or even same cycle but kitromantic with best friends, and as this heartbreak torenjts way through me, I finally en realized this 'we are all alone,' and 'even though someone who cares about me says they love me, and I feeI rhat I love them so much it hurts, this realization would still also erode its way into family / like siblings (dknit expanded from friends to significant others, to even brothers and sisters), so ill tell you I remember feeling just like you describe (only it always just me and my dog/ each new dog I would raise id realize more and more... this is it... not just man's best friend- really, manS ONlY friend.) I remember how miserable it was...
Ill tell you two things, hopefully, you willbhave some relief to look forward to even before CTB... and no, I didnt find 'the one' or rather 'the one' left me (a final crescendo in the ever amplifying pattern of undying love and devotion, with an even greater fall, mkrr shattering heartbreak, each time (it cant be easy to love a sick person, a heroine addict (me) - see with me, EverythinG tends to snowball, not just love).
Anyhow, I was gonna tell you, that for me, with the last heartbreak, its like something just completely and totally snapped inside. It doesn't make me sad or suffer or heartbroken anymore. Now I really just love being with me and my dog more than anything. It was strange reading what you were going through bc I feel like, eww,humans are awful (parents excluded, thats the 2nd thing, for me at least, it never expanded past my
sisters
to parents)Also I was a heroin addict before and I still am, relapse, get clean relapse get clean... and I have wanted to ctb long before, and still do, but at least nkw
that
aching,
h

heart-rending
FFFeeling is gone

 

[CatabolicSeed]

I've been having doubts, honestly. But I'm still set on doing it. I'd say 90% certain.

 

[user667]

100%. death is all i want.

 

[signifying nothing]

I think if it's my fate then it will happen. So it is uncertain, but it definitely remains a possibility.

 

[worthlessdisaster]

How old are you? (Sorry blunt is the best way to gather data) I am 35, but the heartbreak loneliness and sort of betrayal of (i am assuming what you thought were-) genuine connections, I remember enduring this, andnit beckming worse and worse each time i would fall and love and ultimately would be left, abandoned or betrayed, and realizing that all humans are just out for themselves there are no real friendships, and I kept falling in love even more the next time with the next person, or even same cycle but kitromantic with best friends, and as this heartbreak torenjts way through me, I finally en realized this 'we are all alone,' and 'even though someone who cares about me says they love me, and I feeI rhat I love them so much it hurts, this realization would still also erode its way into family / like siblings (dknit expanded from friends to significant others, to even brothers and sisters), so ill tell you I remember feeling just like you describe (only it always just me and my dog/ each new dog I would raise id realize more and more... this is it... not just man's best friend- really, manS ONlY friend.) I remember how miserable it was...
Ill tell you two things, hopefully, you willbhave some relief to look forward to even before CTB... and no, I didnt find 'the one' or rather 'the one' left me (a final crescendo in the ever amplifying pattern of undying love and devotion, with an even greater fall, mkrr shattering heartbreak, each time (it cant be easy to love a sick person, a heroine addict (me) - see with me, EverythinG tends to snowball, not just love).
Anyhow, I was gonna tell you, that for me, with the last heartbreak, its like something just completely and totally snapped inside. It doesn't make me sad or suffer or heartbroken anymore. Now I really just love being with me and my dog more than anything. It was strange reading what you were going through bc I feel like, eww,humans are awful (parents excluded, thats the 2nd thing, for me at least, it never expanded past my
sisters
to parents)Also I was a heroin addict before and I still am, relapse, get clean relapse get clean... and I have wanted to ctb long before, and still do, but at least nkw
that
aching,
h

heart-rending
FFFeeling is gone

i am 39. i actually relapsed back in the beginning of august after 14 years of being clean. i got clean until 1 day before my one month clean this last month. and i have been using since. my husband died april 1st 2018. which was not only april fools day but easter balmy favorite holiday. it's a horrible feeling that i never want to experience again but it's part of life and i will soon be with him. the only person who accepted me and worked through my mental illnesses. my real dad is a piece of garbage, my mom and step dad are decent but i don't fit in with the family and i don't have friends. i sit in a room everyday. and no the dope doesn't make me suicidal, i've been this way since i was a little girl. i'm just finally ready. i have my backpack ready to go with my night night method stuff. it's just time. thank you for your response. you're the first person to say anything to me and i genuinely appreciate it

 

[BlackCatTalk]

At least everyday Im 95% sure about to ctb, that in my better days, worst 100% sure

 

[lukespain22]

One thousand million percent sure!

 

[Downbylife]

Not sure yet, but if nothing changes with my health in next months I'm 100% sure I won't let myself to get bedridden. I'm more afraid of to be a plant, than to die on my terms.