Method Goodbye thread (CTB tonight - in the next 5-6 hours)

[london3]

It's already booked for 2 days.
However, I would prefer to do it tonight.

unless you think it will make a huge difference to do it in the day, in terms of TV/noise.
I will think about it myself.
It seems I'm getting a lot of conflicted advice on the noise issue. I will reflect on it myself.
Update: Thanks everyone. I'm going to go now.
If you don't hear from me again, please assume, that I have CTB.

You are in control 100%, you can make the choice and have the freedom to go when you are ready.

Sweet dreams

 

[crystalskies31]

Update:
From now on I'll just check this thread (not chat).
Have taken anti emetic (buccastem). Seems takes 1-2 hours to dissolve as it's one you put on gums.

 

[Judy Garland]

I hope you find what you seek and wish you the best.

 

[crystalskies31]

Thanks everyone for your help and support on this. I really appreciate it.
I'm going to log off now and have a bit of time without technology to gather my thoughts.

Please be assured this is my choice and I'm fully up for it. I just suffer from crazy anxiety constantly in all situations.

 

[lostmyacc]

Do be aware if you don't feel right after the one to two hours pass waiting for the antiacid. It is okay to revaluate . I know it's worse feeling in the world but sometimes it has to be done if the feeling isn't right.

 

[london3]

Thanks everyone for your help and support on this. I really appreciate it.
I'm going to log off now and have a bit of time without technology to gather my thoughts.

Please be assured this is my choice and I'm fully up for it. I just suffer from crazy anxiety constantly in all situations.

Yes, please take your time to do whatever it takes to stay relaxed.

I am here if you need any more advice

 

[crystalskies31]

Thank you.
Update: just cancelled plans next few days.
Can't believe I'm doing this.
Anti emetic seems ok. No bad effects
Thank you all. I will do my best to stay relaxed.
Having tiny sips of tea.

 

[london3]

Thank you.
Update: just cancelled plans next few days.
Can't believe I'm doing this.
Anti emetic seems ok. No bad effects
Thank you all. I will do my best to stay relaxed.
Having tiny sips of tea.

Keep us updated

 

[WanderingWater]

To assist with noise reduction....

Roll the bath towels and place snuggly underneath the entrance and bathroom doors... especially, bathroom...it's an echo chamber above and below.

 

[Sunset764]

I hope that you find peace. Have a safe journey

 

[Out of Time]

Update: currently catching a (literal) bus to the place. Anxiety is huge - not because of CTB, but because I suffer from enormous anxiety in urban areas in general.

My other main anxiety is being found or caught (and it being somehow my fault). I really can't stay here in this world any more. It would be too terrifying: my health is failing and I don't really have a family.

For those reasons I had previously hoped to book a whole flat far away but I'm hoping this hotel will be ok as I can't wait.

I'm sure once I get there I'll feel calmer.

I also feel joy at the idea of being able to pass peacefully, but I guess I won't know until the final moments… I just really, really hope I won't be found.

I'm there. Day two no food or water and am feeling it. I get your anxiety about being found. I don't usually hear from friends unless I reach out, but sure enough three have texted and want to make plans. I've said I'm just not feeling well, which works cuz symptoms so far coincide with a stomach bug, and they can't see the shaking as long as they stay away. And I even live alone in my own place, but being found is a real possibility. Maybe the bathroom in your room has a fan you could have on or have the TV up louder, in case you cry out or groan or anything. For me, I'm into the stage where the hardest part, according to my research, is over and I'm left pretty drained, shakey, and pretty drug out so I'm gonna just be laying around if you posted later or something. I've got a couple more days left, at least, but it seems now that I can just lay around and wait.

To assist with noise reduction....

Roll the bath towels and place snuggly underneath the entrance and bathroom doors... especially, bathroom...it's an echo chamber above and below.

Eeek, and to think of all the things done in hotel bathrooms that could make sound

 

[london3]

Thank you.
Update: just cancelled plans next few days.
Can't believe I'm doing this.
Anti emetic seems ok. No bad effects
Thank you all. I will do my best to stay relaxed.
Having tiny sips of tea.

You still here?

 

[Out of Time]

Update:
From now on I'll just check this thread (not chat).
Have taken anti emetic (buccastem). Seems takes 1-2 hours to dissolve as it's one you put on gums.

I'm glad you were able to get that antiemetic, a previous post said you needed them still. When I did it, I had the ones I dissolved also. It kinda sucked cuz the antiemetic induced my gag reflex, so I had to take them slowly. Also, I'm not sure if you've tasted the powder yet, but the taste also induced a vomit response, so prepare for that.

 

[crystalskies31]

Update.
Anti emetic done.
Feeling nervous.

It's 21:20.

I am afraid of doing this.
I am also very hungry.

I don't want to have the TV on as I like silence. I'm hoping maybe I will throw up very quietly.
That or do it tomorrow in the day. But I don't want to lose my nerve.
Thing that terrifies me most is it going wrong, being found. I don't want to be. The idea of living the rest of my life, as poor and sick as I am, scares me enormously. But I think I need to try and focus on positive things.

Positive things.

1. I was able to book and afford the hotel room.
2. I don't think anyone will come (in terms of friends) to check on me.
3. It is very quiet here and it's nice.
4. This forum exists.
5. I have my favourite chocolate to eat in between drinking the SN.
6. Realistically - and honestly. The chances of being found I think, are low. I think this is just anxiety/SI. I think if I take this at night, and vomit a little bit, no-one will know. It's super quiet here. I am probably better off simply doing it at night, and just not knocking anything over.

I am reading Moonicide's experience in the SN failures/successes thread. This is very helpful to me.
Reading that, it seems that the loudest it gets is throwing up and 'loud groans like snoring'. That's acceptable in a hotel at night, right?

Just to be clear: My intention to CTB is 100%. I just do not want to be beating myself up if it goes wrong, if I could have done it in the day, masked by the sound of TV, instead of now. But I'd prefer to do it at night, when it's quiet, personally.

OK everyone, logging off for a bit.

 

[lostmyacc]

I believe that night time would be better yes. I also think chances of being found are low. Make sure you put sign on door for no cleaning service etc.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I hope you find peace. I think it's natural to be nervous. I'm sure I would be also. I hope you manage to find a calmer state whatever you decide.

 

[FinishingLine]

I am there with you - your strength is impressive. Wish I could be as determined to go as you are.
The noises which are to be expected I wouldn´t worry about too much. I don´t think they will make them suspicious to anyone - not in a hotel.

I wish you a calm journey - feel hugged.

 

[crystalskies31]

Update:

Took antacid. Yeah, I know it's optional. Thought I'd do it anyway.
Still unsure if to do it tonight, or in the morning when have more energy.
Thought about writing note. Didn't.
Most of my energy now focussed on what's coming up.
I've been exhausted/anxious for many months, so want to make sure I am focussed and give myself best chance at this.
Thanks everyone for your support.

I am feeling quite peaceful.

Edit: apart from noise anxiety issue stuff, I'm really happy with this room/hotel. It's honestly the best. Very quiet and peaceful. I feel lucky.

 

[Dead Meat]

I wish you all the best @crystalskies31 for a very comfortable and pleasant journey and may you have never-ending peace and tranquility

 

[london3]

Update:

Took antacid. Yeah, I know it's optional. Thought I'd do it anyway.
Still unsure if to do it tonight, or in the morning when have more energy.
Thought about writing note. Didn't.
Most of my energy now focussed on what's coming up.
I've been exhausted/anxious for many months, so want to make sure I am focussed and give myself best chance at this.
Thanks everyone for your support.

I am feeling quite peaceful.

Edit: apart from noise anxiety issue stuff, I'm really happy with this room/hotel. It's honestly the best. Very quiet and peaceful. I feel lucky.

You have done a lot of good preparation, In the morning you will have a lot more noise from traffic, hotel staff, nature etc. BUT you will more likely be interrupted and plans failing from other hotel guests, staff, maintenance etc.

But it is your choice, only you can judge the situation and your current state of mind. I think you need to be as calm as possible to go ahead so you do not panic and do something quickly and make mistakes etc.

Maybe writing your suicide note will distract you and give you less anxiety?

Good luck in whatever you decide, no matter what the decision, to go ahead or cancel, you have done well so far and can always have another go in the future.

Have you thought about diazepam to reduce anxiety? or propranolol to reduce fast heartbeat etc?

 

[crystalskies31]

You have done a lot of good preparation, In the morning you will have a lot more noise from traffic, hotel staff, nature etc. BUT you will more likely be interrupted and plans failing from other hotel guests, staff, maintenance etc.

But it is your choice, only you can judge the situation and you current state of mind. I think you need to be as calm as possible to go ahead so you do not panic and do something quickly and make mistakes etc.

Maybe writing your suicide note will distract you and give you less anxiety?

Good luck in whatever you decide, no matter what the decision, to go ahead or cancel, you have done well so far and can always have another go in the future.

Have you thought about diazepam to reduce anxiety? or propranolol to reduce fast heartbeat etc?

Hi, thanks for your message.

I was hoping to have diazepam but it didn't arrive on time, really annoying. (I ordered well in advance but it seems to have got lost in post). Don't have time to wait for it again!

I do have propranolol but I've read some stuff about how it might not be great in terms of possibly giving you heart problems if you do get found, so I'm not going to use it

 

[london3]

Hi, thanks for your message.

I was hoping to have diazepam but it didn't arrive on time, really annoying. (I ordered well in advance but it seems to have got lost in post). Don't have time to wait for it again!

I do have propranolol but I've read some stuff about how it might not be great in terms of possibly giving you heart problems if you do get found, so I'm not going to use it

Shame about the diazepam.

Propranolol will also speed up death if used at the same time as sn, death is around 1 hour compared to 1-4 hours without.

I have also read about heart issues but only when taking huge amounts like 2-3 grams, rather than the recommended 400mg.

I personally will use it as it will help me with anxiety, but it is your choice.

 

[crystalskies31]

Shame about the diazepam.

Propranolol will also speed up death if used at the same time as sn, death is around 1 hour compared to 1-4 hours without.

I have also read about heart issues but only when taking huge amounts like 2-3 grams, rather than the recommended 400mg.

I personally will use it as it will help me with anxiety, but it is your choice.

Thanks! I haven't heard of anyone being awake for longer than about 20 mins so not too worried about the time to death,
I do have it with me so I could take it. I considered taking a small dose for anxiety, not 400 mg but maybe 10-40
Hi guys,

Just a quick update.
Decided to leave it until tomorrow (room is booked for another night).

My reasoning is as follows:-

1. I don't think it will make a HUGE difference to the chances of being found if this is done at night or day, really.
2. I'm really tired. It's been a long and heavy day. I suffer from anxiety anyways, so it's exhausting.
3. Although I would prefer not to do it with the TV on, I feel like realistically, that would mask any sounds well.
4. It is now quite late and the TV may attract attention.
5. If I do it tomorrow at around 10 am say, that's before check-ins and outs, and cleaning staff coming. Even if people do move about, e.g. everyone leaves, the TV will be on, so it should mask noises from inside the room.
6. If I do it now at night, and make a noise, it's more likely to be heard.
7. It'll be a bit warmer and more comfortable

My only qualm is that the 'ideal' time is probably something like 6 pm.

In any case it is all a bit of a risk. One could say it's empty-ish anyway, or maybe everyone's sleeping with earplugs in, and wouldn't hear. Or that in the day, everyone would walk past my room. Or, that the noise would be really well masked in the day, and that at night, it wouldn't be. And so on.

To be honest, my mind is wrecked anyway. In some ways I get scared it's "too late" because I can't even CTB properly.

I am annoyed that even planning this, I have to think about other people first. That sounds mean, but I wish I could do it just in a way I'm comfortable with, not always worrying about other people's reactions.

In any case, I have all of tomorrow day and eve.

Please let me know if you have thoughts. Thank you.
I'm going to get ready for bed now.

 

[london3]

Thanks! I haven't heard of anyone being awake for longer than about 20 mins so not too worried about the time to death,
I do have it with me so I could take it. I considered taking a small dose for anxiety, not 400 mg but maybe 10-40

Yes you could maybe take a small amount for the anxiety, not to speed things up, I thing the usual dose is maybe 40mg, but not sure how much would be needed to reduce anxiety fast. I guess it depends on the individual but seems like 120mg is the maximum before you start getting side effects. The overdose symptoms are actually very similar to sodium nitrite, nausea, dizziness etc.

But it is completely your choice and this is merely my opinion.

 

[crystalskies31]

Update: Man, this stuff is hard. I guess it really takes balls to just starve yourself all day, then turn up to a hotel room and just do it.
I wish it wasn't like this.

 

[london3]

Thanks! I haven't heard of anyone being awake for longer than about 20 mins so not too worried about the time to death,
I do have it with me so I could take it. I considered taking a small dose for anxiety, not 400 mg but maybe 10-40
Hi guys,

Just a quick update.
Decided to leave it until tomorrow (room is booked for another night).

My reasoning is as follows:-

1. I don't think it will make a HUGE difference to the chances of being found if this is done at night or day, really.
2. I'm really tired. It's been a long and heavy day. I suffer from anxiety anyways, so it's exhausting.
3. Although I would prefer not to do it with the TV on, I feel like realistically, that would mask any sounds well.
4. It is now quite late and the TV may attract attention.
5. If I do it tomorrow at around 10 am say, that's before check-ins and outs, and cleaning staff coming. Even if people do move about, e.g. everyone leaves, the TV will be on, so it should mask noises from inside the room.
6. If I do it now at night, and make a noise, it's more likely to be heard.
7. It'll be a bit warmer and more comfortable

My only qualm is that the 'ideal' time is probably something like 6 pm.

In any case it is all a bit of a risk. One could say it's empty-ish anyway, or maybe everyone's sleeping with earplugs in, and wouldn't hear. Or that in the day, everyone would walk past my room. Or, that the noise would be really well masked in the day, and that at night, it wouldn't be. And so on.

To be honest, my mind is wrecked anyway. In some ways I get scared it's "too late" because I can't even CTB properly.

I am annoyed that even planning this, I have to think about other people first. That sounds mean, but I wish I could do it just in a way I'm comfortable with, not always worrying about other people's reactions.

In any case, I have all of tomorrow day and eve.

Please let me know if you have thoughts. Thank you.
I'm going to get ready for bed now.

OK, if you are really tired it is better to delay it. Do what you feel is right for the situation.

Your worries do seem genuine and it seems you are thinking a lot about this, which is good as it shows your care about it being a success. Being scared is completely normal and the fear of death and survival instinct kicks in for everyone.

It shows your kindness that you care about other people and how they would react etc thinking about hotel staff, family etc.

Once you have passed away there will be no more worries and any negative thoughts are finished.

I hope you have a good nights sleep and it makes you more relaxed, i will try and chat to you tomorrow, if i do not get back to you in time i hope you are at peace no matter what you decide to do.

Take care

 

[nena21]

Update: Man, this stuff is hard. I guess it really takes balls to just starve yourself all day, then turn up to a hotel room and just do it.
I wish it wasn't like this.

ctb is always extremly hard otherwise this forum would be pretty empty I guess. So sorry it didnt work out tonight as you have hoped for. I hope you can calm down a bit and get some rest.

 

[crystalskies31]

Yes, and it brings many feelings

 

[Judy Garland]

I'm there. Day two no food or water and am feeling it. I get your anxiety about being found. I don't usually hear from friends unless I reach out, but sure enough three have texted and want to make plans. I've said I'm just not feeling well, which works cuz symptoms so far coincide with a stomach bug, and they can't see the shaking as long as they stay away. And I even live alone in my own place, but being found is a real possibility. Maybe the bathroom in your room has a fan you could have on or have the TV up louder, in case you cry out or groan or anything. For me, I'm into the stage where the hardest part, according to my research, is over and I'm left pretty drained, shakey, and pretty drug out so I'm gonna just be laying around if you posted later or something. I've got a couple more days left, at least, but it seems now that I can just lay around and wait.

Eeek, and to think of all the things done in hotel bathrooms that could make sound

Are you doing VSED? VSED is my backup method if my SN doesn't work. Last year, in September I did VSED for five days, and the only reason why I failed was because I was covered in mosquito bites from head to toe, and I was laying on cement under a bridge in the cold. That's the only reason why I failed, I couldn't take the mosquitos any more. I wish you all the best, and I hope you and the OP find your peace.

 

[Shu]

Are you doing VSED? VSED is my backup method if my SN doesn't work. Last year, in September I did VSED for five days, and the only reason why I failed was because I was covered in mosquito bites from head to toe, and I was laying on cement under a bridge in the cold. That's the only reason why I failed, I couldn't take the mosquitos any more. I wish you all the best, and I hope you and the OP find your peace.

I feel like vsed would be way easier if you fast with just water for like ten days first and then go into the dry fast