Goodbye - taking the SN bus tonight

[toofargone6969]

I will be drinking SN around midnight tonight and this is my regimen for today:
Light breakfast had oatmeal for my last meal.
Start fasting at 10am goodbye food:(
9pm - start liquid fast, 1000mg tylenol, 40mg propranolol
10:30pm - 3mg lorazepam pills
11pm - 30mg domperidone, 80mg propranolol
11:30pm - 10mg liquid lorazepam (2mg/mL)
Prepare two SN drinks
12am - 20g SN in 50mL water, drink fast with a straw, 15g backup glass on nightstand. Altoid for aftertaste. Lay down on right side

I got my SN from CCS back in April, they're no longer a source. I tested the SN last night for a second time with the test strips recommended by PPH and the results showed high nitrite level and purity- 25ppm for a 25ppm solution. I'm barely 105 pounds and very weak so 20g already seems like overkill. I am so scared but I know this is the right decision for me. I've been putting it off for too long.

My story-
I tried recovery for awhile but I just can't escape my fate. Nothing worked for me, I didn't improve even slightly. I have gotten progressively sicker both mentally and physically for a year now. I have a long 15 year history of depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, insomnia, and other problems but until mid 2022 I was high functioning for the most part and had so many things going for me. I'm leaving behind so much. My external circumstances and surroundings are wonderful and I'm extremely blessed. It's ME thats the problem. My body and mind are so sick and I must go. I wasn't meant for this world. I'm so disgusting both inside and out and I deeply hate myself, especially how I look.

I feel so incredibly guilty to do this to my loving family and my partner but I have no choice. My beloved dog of 16 years passed just a few weeks ago and I'm glad I stuck around to see her out of this world, as horribly painful as it was. I cannot continue to suffer, I cannot stay in this hellish body and mind. I love them so much and hope I can see them again one day. Realistically I know heaven is probably not real and I will just cease to exist but I hope for eternal peace that I can actually experience amd welcome them to one day. I hope I can watch over them.

I'll update here as I complete the steps and for as long as I can after consuming. I don't want to be alone at the end and this is the only place I can be truly accepted for what I'm about to do. Thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Mods- please ban my account once it's clear I can no longer respond. If I end up in the hospital or loony bin I'll come back with my story. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen as that would traumatize me to the point of insanity.

 

[Dying2077]

 

[hevlalab]

I'm sorry for what you have gone through. You are a strong person to have been battling depression for 15 years. That is a long long time especially with an illness. I wish you the very best transition and hope you find peace. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

 

[pidgey]

Good luck. I hope you can find the peace you're looking for.

 

[toofargone6969]

I'm sorry for what you have gone through. You are a strong person to have been battling depression for 15 years. That is a long long time especially with an illness. I wish you the very best transition and hope you find peace. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you, I hope so too.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Hey, you've been through so much and I can only imagine what every second of what you went through felt like for all those years. I came here to show support as I said I would because I appreciate what little interactions we've had, whatever happens, I am happy to have met you. I wish you a peacful transition.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans and I hope that you find freedom from all suffering.

 

[EternalShore]

See ya! Praying for you :) I don't think I ever really talked to you, but it was nice seeing you around and reading your posts~

 

[FRUSTRATED MIND]

I will be drinking SN around midnight tonight and this is my regimen for today:
Light breakfast
Start fasting at 10am
9pm - start liquid fast, 1000mg tylenol, 40mg propranolol
10:30pm - 3mg lorazepam pills
11pm - 30mg domperidone, 80mg propranolol
11:30pm - 10mg liquid lorazepam (2mg/mL)
Prepare two SN drinks
12am - 20g SN in 50mL water, drink fast with a straw, 15g backup glass on nightstand. Altoid for aftertaste. Lay down on right side

I got my SN from CCS back in April, they're no longer a source. I tested the SN last night for a second time with the test strips recommended by PPH and the results showed high nitrite level and purity- 25ppm for a 25ppm solution. I'm barely 105 pounds and very weak so 20g already seems like overkill. I am so scared but I know this is the right decision for me. I've been putting it off for too long.

My story-
I tried recovery for awhile but I just can't escape my fate. Nothing worked for me, I didn't improve even slightly. I have gotten progressively sicker both mentally and physically for a year now. I have a long 15 year history of depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, insomnia, and other problems but until mid 2022 I was high functioning for the most part and had so many things going for me. I'm leaving behind so much. My external circumstances and surroundings are wonderful and I'm extremely blessed. It's ME thats the problem. My body and mind are so sick and I must go. I wasn't meant for this world. I'm so disgusting both inside and out and I deeply hate myself, especially how I look.

I feel so incredibly guilty to do this to my loving family and my partner but I have no choice. My beloved dog of 16 years passed just a few weeks ago and I'm glad I stuck around to see her out of this world, as horribly painful as it was. I cannot continue to suffer, I cannot stay in this hellish body and mind. I love them so much and hope I can see them again one day. Realistically I know heaven is probably not real and I will just cease to exist but I hope for eternal peace that I can actually experience amd welcome them to one day. I hope I can watch over them.

I'll update here as I complete the steps and for as long as I can after consuming. I don't want to be alone at the end and this is the only place I can be truly accepted for what I'm about to do. Thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Mods- please ban my account once it's clear I can no longer respond. If I end up in the hospital or loony bin I'll come back with my story. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen as that would traumatize me to the point of insanity.

Good luck. I hope you find the peace you're looking for. I'll be next one. Do you mind if I ask you a question? How old are you?

 

[avaruus]

I remember reading your posts here, that cute frodo avatar is really memorable.
I'm sorry that life fucked you over.
I hope you find peace in death.
Good luck and goodbye! :)

 

[athyy]

aw, im sorry that you had to battle all of this for 15 years. if you want anyone to have a conversation with before you ctb, im here.

 

[Huggs]

I've talked to you briefly and you really strike me as a lovely person, it makes me sad to hear about all your suffering, it isn't deserved at all. I hope that you're able to find the rest that you're wishing for. CCS was very reputable and your plan looks good, I believe everything will go well.

 

[toofargone6969]

Good luck. I hope you can find the peace you're looking for.

Thank you

Hey, you've been through so much and I can only imagine what every second of what you went through felt like for all those years. I came here to show support as I said I would because I appreciate what little interactions we've had, whatever happens, I am happy to have met you. I wish you a peacful transition.

I'm happy to have met you too. Thank you for your support and kindness

Good luck. I hope you find the peace you're looking for. I'll be next one. Do you mind if I ask you a question? How old are you?

I'm 30
I'm starting to feel really emotional knowing I'll never have the future I envisioned for myself, my wedding, my first home, traveling the world with my love. My illnesses wont allow me to have those things and it hurts so much. Last year those things were possible and now they're not. I'm mourning the loss of my future and my old self. I'll never be her again and its heart wrenching. It kills me.

 

[Ruma]

Fingers crossed that it all goes well for you! Goodbye & Goodluck.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I'm sorry for all the pain you have been through. Good luck with your plans and hope you find peace.

 

[Zaphkiel]

I hate those threads every time ,it's heart breaking. I'm sorry. On the other hand, being suicidal myself, i'm also happy that you took the courage to take the final step.
Still, it shouldn't be like that.
I love you as a human being. Whatever you do, whatever happens, i do and i will.
Be strong, whatever the outcome. we'll be there if anything.

 

[HollowDrop]

Life is truly a cruel mistress to those who don't deserve it. I hope your plans work out and your bus to peace finds you.

 

[toofargone6969]

I hate those threads every time ,it's heart breaking. I'm sorry. On the other hand, being suicidal myself, i'm also happy that you took the courage to take the final step.
Still, it shouldn't be like that.
I love you as a human being. Whatever you do, whatever happens, i do and i will.
Be strong, whatever the outcome. we'll be there if anything.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm trying my best to be strong. It just feels surreal to be on my last day. I hope I can pull it off, it's my time to go.

 

[lack]

it goes without saying that i assume its safe to say i can speak for most people here and say we deeply understand and support your decision to a graceful as possible end to your suffering. I trust you know yourself better than anyone, and you should have the right to peace however the means be it. i don't know you at all, and though i support your choices for yourself as is your right to do; i'm always sorry and sad to hear that this has to be the way. it breaks my heart as well as others'. I send you love, as my fellow creature and human- i want you to feel warmth and security knowing that if this succeeds, there's a community of people who know of your pain. we see it, we know it.. i personally want you to feel that you're comfortable knowing that you're not alone in spirit. whatever the outcome is. you're not alone and you won't be alone. thank you for communicating your plans and your pain. if nothing else, at the least i hope you know it helps me feel not alone.

i hope for you the comfortable relief of a painless death, and i love you for every one of your efforts at life even though i know i dont know you, and even if it didn't pan out the way i imagine you'd hoped. i hope this isn't too sappy, .. haha.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Goodbye kind person! I'm sorry I'm not there to carry you. I wish you a calm and successful passing!

 

[Zaphkiel]

How are you feeling?

 

[cosmic-joke]

I will be drinking SN around midnight tonight and this is my regimen for today:
Light breakfast had oatmeal for my last meal.
Start fasting at 10am goodbye food:(
9pm - start liquid fast, 1000mg tylenol, 40mg propranolol
10:30pm - 3mg lorazepam pills
11pm - 30mg domperidone, 80mg propranolol
11:30pm - 10mg liquid lorazepam (2mg/mL)
Prepare two SN drinks
12am - 20g SN in 50mL water, drink fast with a straw, 15g backup glass on nightstand. Altoid for aftertaste. Lay down on right side

I got my SN from CCS back in April, they're no longer a source. I tested the SN last night for a second time with the test strips recommended by PPH and the results showed high nitrite level and purity- 25ppm for a 25ppm solution. I'm barely 105 pounds and very weak so 20g already seems like overkill. I am so scared but I know this is the right decision for me. I've been putting it off for too long.

My story-
I tried recovery for awhile but I just can't escape my fate. Nothing worked for me, I didn't improve even slightly. I have gotten progressively sicker both mentally and physically for a year now. I have a long 15 year history of depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, insomnia, and other problems but until mid 2022 I was high functioning for the most part and had so many things going for me. I'm leaving behind so much. My external circumstances and surroundings are wonderful and I'm extremely blessed. It's ME thats the problem. My body and mind are so sick and I must go. I wasn't meant for this world. I'm so disgusting both inside and out and I deeply hate myself, especially how I look.

I feel so incredibly guilty to do this to my loving family and my partner but I have no choice. My beloved dog of 16 years passed just a few weeks ago and I'm glad I stuck around to see her out of this world, as horribly painful as it was. I cannot continue to suffer, I cannot stay in this hellish body and mind. I love them so much and hope I can see them again one day. Realistically I know heaven is probably not real and I will just cease to exist but I hope for eternal peace that I can actually experience amd welcome them to one day. I hope I can watch over them.

I'll update here as I complete the steps and for as long as I can after consuming. I don't want to be alone at the end and this is the only place I can be truly accepted for what I'm about to do. Thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Mods- please ban my account once it's clear I can no longer respond. If I end up in the hospital or loony bin I'll come back with my story. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen as that would traumatize me to the point of insanity.

I'm sorry I hope you don't do it but if you do I'm praying your in a better place

 

[Unknown21]

Goodbye, i wish you a peaceful death process, I'll miss you, i see ur posts frequently here and i knew that u r a kind and helpful person.
See u in the other side friend

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you top this point. It's sad seeing you go. I wish you a peaceful journey, may you find peace! Farewell!

 

[toofargone6969]

it goes without saying that i assume its safe to say i can speak for most people here and say we deeply understand and support your decision to a graceful as possible end to your suffering. I trust you know yourself better than anyone, and you should have the right to peace however the means be it. i don't know you at all, and though i support your choices for yourself as is your right to do; i'm always sorry and sad to hear that this has to be the way. it breaks my heart as well as others'. I send you love, as my fellow creature and human- i want you to feel warmth and security knowing that if this succeeds, there's a community of people who know of your pain. we see it, we know it.. i personally want you to feel that you're comfortable knowing that you're not alone in spirit. whatever the outcome is. you're not alone and you won't be alone. thank you for communicating your plans and your pain. if nothing else, at the least i hope you know it helps me feel not alone.

i hope for you the comfortable relief of a painless death, and i love you for every one of your efforts at life even though i know i dont know you, and even if it didn't pan out the way i imagine you'd hoped. i hope this isn't too sappy, .. haha.

This brought tears to my eyes and I'm overwhelmed by the support and love from everyone here. Thank you so much. I'm unable to tell my family what's going on obviously so it's really comforting to have support here and love. It means a lot to me. I feel much less alone now, truly.

How are you feeling?

Honestly a little numb right now. Just really sad for my loved ones also. I'm already having a hard time with the fast lol, I love eating and knowing i can't makes me even hungrier. I'm nervous about tonight but I have everything ready. I just can't believe this is how my life turned out, it makes me so angry and sad.

 

[sadgal1749]

I will be drinking SN around midnight tonight and this is my regimen for today:
Light breakfast had oatmeal for my last meal.
Start fasting at 10am goodbye food:(
9pm - start liquid fast, 1000mg tylenol, 40mg propranolol
10:30pm - 3mg lorazepam pills
11pm - 30mg domperidone, 80mg propranolol
11:30pm - 10mg liquid lorazepam (2mg/mL)
Prepare two SN drinks
12am - 20g SN in 50mL water, drink fast with a straw, 15g backup glass on nightstand. Altoid for aftertaste. Lay down on right side

I got my SN from CCS back in April, they're no longer a source. I tested the SN last night for a second time with the test strips recommended by PPH and the results showed high nitrite level and purity- 25ppm for a 25ppm solution. I'm barely 105 pounds and very weak so 20g already seems like overkill. I am so scared but I know this is the right decision for me. I've been putting it off for too long.

My story-
I tried recovery for awhile but I just can't escape my fate. Nothing worked for me, I didn't improve even slightly. I have gotten progressively sicker both mentally and physically for a year now. I have a long 15 year history of depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, insomnia, and other problems but until mid 2022 I was high functioning for the most part and had so many things going for me. I'm leaving behind so much. My external circumstances and surroundings are wonderful and I'm extremely blessed. It's ME thats the problem. My body and mind are so sick and I must go. I wasn't meant for this world. I'm so disgusting both inside and out and I deeply hate myself, especially how I look.

I feel so incredibly guilty to do this to my loving family and my partner but I have no choice. My beloved dog of 16 years passed just a few weeks ago and I'm glad I stuck around to see her out of this world, as horribly painful as it was. I cannot continue to suffer, I cannot stay in this hellish body and mind. I love them so much and hope I can see them again one day. Realistically I know heaven is probably not real and I will just cease to exist but I hope for eternal peace that I can actually experience amd welcome them to one day. I hope I can watch over them.

I'll update here as I complete the steps and for as long as I can after consuming. I don't want to be alone at the end and this is the only place I can be truly accepted for what I'm about to do. Thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Mods- please ban my account once it's clear I can no longer respond. If I end up in the hospital or loony bin I'll come back with my story. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen as that would traumatize me to the point of insanity.

I totally resonate with your story. I also feel like I'm not made for this world. Whatever lies ahead for you I hope it is better than the hell you've been experiencing.

 

[haibane]

Good luck, hope u will find peace

 

[Zaphkiel]

Honestly a little numb right now. Just really sad for my loved ones also. I'm already having a hard time with the fast lol, I love eating and knowing i can't makes me even hungrier. I'm nervous about tonight but I have everything ready. I just can't believe this is how my life turned out, it makes me so angry and sad.

I understand you totally. And also get you for the food part
I'm here if you need anything, on the thread or in private.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @toofargone6969,
I guess, this world is cruel by design.
I'm just a stranger but I'm so sorry,
For your gut-wrenching story.

I pray for your peaceful ride.
We stay here, by your side.
If we can, let us have a moment of peace,
Until your torment does cease.

From this torture, finally you'll be freed -
@toofargone6969, Godspeed

 

[claraisnotcarol]

I'm sorry to have read this so late. I don't know it you're gonna update anymore, and i dont have anything to say that everyone here hasn't already told you, so I'm just so happy that so much people is here for you to not leave alone.
a lot of us are carrying you tonight through the screen