Do you remember the first time you thought of suicide?

[numbed one]

Do you remember the exact moment & what age you were?
I remember being 10-11 years old & looking at my closet & thinking of hanging myself. My childhood home was less than ideal to develop in & my family was beginning to fall apart at the seams. (Which was for the best anyway with thinking back on daily life & what I had to experience, but at that age it definitely felt like the end of the world irregardless of the trauma I was going through.) How about you?

I was 19 yo , for m'y family it was Always a mess ..a failure

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I was 10. A lot of close family members had already died and I was growing up petrified of a (suspected) narcissist. I sat on my bed, stared out the window and the thought just popped in: 'I want to die to escape this.'

Not sure I had a method in mind at that point. Not very seriously anyway. I considered jumping off of buildings I suppose but I had a suspicion they wouldn't be high enough. As I grew and got access to more things, I considered other pretty unreliable methods like slashing wrists and paracetamol overdose. Lucky really that I didn't try.

It's interesting though- I think that so many people here have had these thoughts since childhood. I do wonder if- after you've comtemplated it seriously- do those thoughts ever really go away?

 

[bonecollector]

i was 4, its one of my most vicd early memories. i remember crying all night trying to figure out what the point of living is and all i could think was that itd be better to be dead than it would to live a pointless life. idk why i was so depressed that young but it iz what it iz

 

[AlternativeBagel]

I was around 15-16. Might sound dumb as hell but it was because I was constantly having fights with my first gf and my toxic manipulative self not only threatened to ctb but actually had an attempt via insulin overdose as I didn't know any better. It's been many years now and I haven't changed all that much. Whenever a close relationship is ending or close to ending I still get the urge to ctb but I don't let the other person know anymore because I don't wanna be that asshole.

 

[MannyAntsy]

Sometime in my teens because of my abusive stepdad. Then I failed at life as an adult and it's gone from a fleeting thought to a fixation.

 

[KafkaF]

Yes.

I was 12 or 13.

I'd come home with a report card that was less good than usual. Not bad per se, but less good than I used to get.

My parents made me feel like such shit about it that I considered hanging myself that night.

It was only that afternoon. After that it took several more years until I'd think about it seriously again. But that was the first time.

 

[Final_Choice]

Sometime between 5 and 7 years old after going through some abuse from my father, I would sometimes grab a specific kitchen knife and just hold it against me but would never actually stab myself because I knew it would hurt a lot.

 

[RationalGaze]

To be honest, I don't remember when. I've been living a hell for a long time now.

 

[grahf]

I remember the first time my thought of suicide when 10/11
I'm looking for knife to kill me at night
But when morning come my parents just laughed at me knowing I had knife
They ask why I have knife asking if I want suicide and then just laughing at me

 

[willitpass]

The first time I heard about it was when I was 8. My family were talking about suicide and I asked what it was. My mom said it was when someone was too sad and decided to die. I couldn't believe why someone would do that to themselves.

Not even 2 years later I was 9 or 10, had already been depressed for over a year. I was laying in bed when I kept getting images of going to the kitchen and stabbing myself in the stomach. I was horrified. I felt so compelled to listen to the thoughts but was terrified because I didn't want to die. It only took maybe a few months for the intrusive thoughts to become true suicidal thoughts.

 

[iloverachel]

Man i am sorry to hear many of you guys were suicidal as young kids, that is scary and depressing stuff

For me I wasn't too sure when I first had suicidal thoughts, I do remember thinking about jumping off a bridge in the city while in my teens, and i remember seeing knives at home and wanting to cut myself

 

[Silent_cries]

Probably around the age of 14-15. I went to an incredibly toxic school, had no friends, was often bullied and did not get my special needs as an autistic bc the teachers and administrators were complete dicks. It was at the age of 13 that I fell into depression for the first time though, but it took a while before I actually became suicidal. I remember feeling rly done with all the shit that was going on in school and also hating myself for being so naive as a child, hence why I wasn't depressed or anything until I became a teenager. I was not very self aware as a child for some reason, it was first when I became a teen that I started to understand more. I'm kinda glad that's the case though coz at least I had a happy childhood even if it mostly did suck tbh. It's incredible how even if ur lucky with the family you're born into, being unlucky with the school you end up in can still ruin your childhood. Istg, even though I was mostly happy, my childhood was a mess! The only time in my life that was truly happy was while I was in daycare. I've never had that kind of happiness again, and I never will. :/

 

[strangelife]

41 , 3 month ago when my illness started

 

[marchshift]

I was a child when my mother attempted. She was always attempting and I kept finding her. She finally crossed over decades later. I've been following in her footsteps. I hope she is feeling some kind of peace wherever she may be. I really yearn to be with her.

 

[IonicLemon69]

41 , 3 month ago when my illness started

im sorry :(.. i know the feeling!!

 

[tronix]

Do you remember the exact moment & what age you were?
I remember being 10-11 years old & looking at my closet & thinking of hanging myself. My childhood home was less than ideal to develop in & my family was beginning to fall apart at the seams. (Which was for the best anyway with thinking back on daily life & what I had to experience, but at that age it definitely felt like the end of the world irregardless of the trauma I was going through.) How about you?

I was really little, like 3 or 4. And my mother was mad at me though I don't remember the reason. She yelled at me and then I went to her bedroom where this huge plant was. I was told not to ever touch it because it's toxic. And that's why it was kept in my parents bedroom, under their control. So yeah, you can imagine what I did.
I started eating its leaves... But I was found, caught red handed, and the f plant wasn't that toxic, my parents didn't want me to ruin it and lied.

 

[Silent_cries]

Holy heck, I didn't know it was possible to be suicidal at 4... Wth has become of this world?

 

[Ww42]

Yep, I was 12 and made jokes about killing myself to some friends because all i could think about was just being dead, and they told my parents who then freaked out. That's when I realized those thoughts weren't normal nor were they societally accepted

 

[Bed]

actually contemplating suicide, i was 17. still remember it vividly and where i was.

 

[bgd2022]

Probably about 7 or 8. Honestly can't remember not wanting to be gone.

 

[AbandonedApe]

I'm 31 now, at the time I was probably 12 or 13. My mum was drinking a lot and I felt like I had to protect my dad from her anger outbursts. I was being bullied at school too but came home and felt just as unsafe at home. I was also grappling with the changes of puberty and had a stupid crush on someone who in retrospect I think was grooming me as she was in her 20s, and she told me she was going to commit suicide and then disappeared. All of it just kind of came crashing down on me and I remember trying to hang myself with this flimsy lightbulb switch in the bathroom which 1) clearly wasn't strong enough and 2) I had no clue how to tie a proper ligature anyway or what I was doing. So nothing would happen and I would just go back to my room and cry for hours.

The first time I made a legitimate serious attempt not including half assed attempts to OD with drug combos at normal doses, was last year when I drank a bottle of BDO but I messed up and it was a mixed bottle I.e a bottle I'd mixed BDO and water in for drinking, plus I was on a ton of stimulants so it didn't really knock me unconscious just made me seize and flail on the floor until my family eventually broke into my room. I recovered without even a hospital trip because of my mess up.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I was 8 when I first remember thinking about it. I tried shortly after that with a steak knife to the chest. Yes, laughably pathetic but, I didn't know anything about anatomy or breast bones. It hurt like fuck lol. Still have a small scar from it and that was more than 30 years ago now.

 

[TransientEternal]

Young, don't remember when exactly.

 

[NeverGonnaEscape]

I don't remember the very first time, but the earliest I can recall it being a recurring thought was in my 20s. There was one time I had been in someones house and saw in their medicine cabinet they had a big old bottle of oxymorphone. I wasn't a recreational pill user then and never have been so there wasn't any temptation to actually steal any, but I remember going home after and looking up what it was and if it could be used to kill myself.

It's actually a little frustrating now that I'm much older how easy it used to be for people to get their hands on stuff like that. All that peace in one bottle and it probably just ended up getting tossed out at some point because they probably never needed it in the first place and doctors were just prescribing the shit like candy. Never even knew what they had probably.

 

[Anon1337]

Yes. I remember fantasizing about being shot by police and shooting myself in the head with someone's gun. I should have killed myself all those years ago. Tired of rotting.

 

[Hollowman]

I had a plan to jump from 250ft when I was twelve after my principle threatened to make me repeat sixth grade. Unfortunately I graduated.

 

[Tapioca]

I was 4 years old.

I remember being upset because I couldn't figure out how to tie a noose.

I don't know why I wanted to die. But I've always wanted to not be here.

 

[beetle]

I remember being ~3-4 years old when I wanted to disappear from the world and I always used to draw pictures about it haha, I can't remember the reason why, though.

The first time I thought about suicide (after understanding what death is) was probably around 6 or 7. There were a lot of expectations on me growing up and I think it started heavily affecting my mental state.

 

[Stoked]

not suicide per se (im guessing bc i had no concept of that at the time), but i have a very distinct and vivid memory of intensely wanting to die and making myself dead somehow at the age of 6. made a serious, well-planned and pre-meditated attempt at around 13-14, wouldve died if i wasnt brought to the hospital. sadly, because it was at my family home, i was found before i managed to die. funnily enough, no one in my family knew (or maybe they just couldnt grasp the concept of suicide) that it was me trying to off myself. they thought it was an accident

 

[bte]

Do you remember the exact moment & what age you were?
I remember being 10-11 years old & looking at my closet & thinking of hanging myself. My childhood home was less than ideal to develop in & my family was beginning to fall apart at the seams. (Which was for the best anyway with thinking back on daily life & what I had to experience, but at that age it definitely felt like the end of the world irregardless of the trauma I was going through.) How about you?

Me, as well, when I was 10.