Venting I'm here for the first time.

[fxa2]

I don't know how to begin so I'll just start blurting stuff out and probably organize it a little. I'm not even sure why I'm doing this post.
I've kinda had some ups and downs lately. I got divorced, but that's a good thing - we're still friends. It just wasn't working, they resented me for having the chance to explore the world without them, all while enjoying the benefits of my disability (VA compensation for PTSD). I got my dream job shortly after, making what feels like crazy good money and I get to travel all the time.

But I've realized over the last year that I'm doing this (life) for no reason. I had to escape a miserable situation and a 10 year depression to realize that even my very best isn't enough. I am autistic or something, undiagnosed. I can't relate with people, I don't communicate like they do. I get attached to people really easily but nobody really loves me. I'm tired of experiencing this beautiful world as such a lonely person. I can't imagine anyone really loving me, and for some reason that really matters to me.

If I could be happy alone that would be awesome. But whenever I focus on myself, improve my talents, or explore, I just see so many things worth sharing. And I don't have anyone to show who will really appreciate it - and maybe more importantly, appreciate me for sharing it.

This all came to a point when I realized my closest friend doesn't really see me as part of their safe space, instead I'm just a friend. It's so sad because they knew me at my worst, and I feel like there's nobody on the planet I'm closer to. The disparity is so strong it hurts. I feel like an injured animal that nobody could possibly have the patience to rescue. And I don't blame them. I can't survive on a fantasy that I'll be adopted into someone's heart or inner circle of trust. I'll never qualify as more than a pleasant acquaintance at best. An outsider.

It's embarrassing to be so emotionally invested in someone like that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But I just can't bear it any more. I just want to get my finances together and then take a vacation. In the meantime do a little research, and try to find a way to accept this fate and enjoy my last moments.

I'm new here so any thoughts are welcome. Comment anything you want. Or ask. I'll just answer any question honestly as long as I don't get doxxed.

 

[hdead]

I do relate. However, I never got married but I've seperated many times. I feel the same way, I just can't really truly connect or relate. There's always this hidden tension between me and other people and my brain constantly nags at me about it. I prefer being alone, but then I get lonely and lowkey jealous of people who seem to live happy family lives. I don't know, sometimes I just don't feel like I'm human at all. Like I'm some sort of weird being that decided to incarnate in a human body to observe the madness. I try not to judge it, but man - humanity seems like such a weird fucking thing.

Anyway, welcome to SaSu. You'll be accepted among this band of misfits and likely understood and seen by many. Thanks for opening up to us on here.

I made my way out of the western rat race and now live in buttf*ck nowhere, France. I'm renovating a place I bought for my parents (and myself) and I have some time to work on it. In the meantime I'm also doing my research and hoarding supplies for when I feel like I want to go. The best thing I have is the bag of SN with meto. It's nice to have that kit. It keeps well for long, so I'm in no hurry. All the opioids and benzos however, have an expiration date. That's weirdly pressuring. We'll see what goes down and if I can make it through winter. That's gonna be a ride for sure over here.