i'm very privileged, and i feel that i've had a relatively easy life. but that's not entirely true, is it?
i don't know how to word it better: religious trauma, sexual assault trauma, physical and verbal abuse trauma, friendship/bullying trauma, medical trauma.
and i'll probably keep collecting them.
there have been many times in my life where i think i was supposed to die. almost choking at a workplace. almost getting into a collision. almost getting sepsis in the hospital. and there have been even more times in my life when i *wanted* to die.
i feel so insanely alone sometimes. i think it got worse after i became sexually active. no problem finding company for sex, but no luck finding someone to form a lasting, close relationship with.
the other night i felt almost delirious all of a sudden. i was crying and i had a very strong compulsion to clear all my digital devices and jump from the window. i tried drinking, and i realized i can't get drunk fast enough. i slapped myself a few times just to snap out of it. it's ridiculous. i don't know what to do.
i think it never went away. i'm not healed. i still think there's nothing here for me. the world is a horrible place with beautiful moments, but those moments won't save me. they can't convince me to live. i'm scared to tell anyone. i feel like a failure. i think i just want to be put in a hospital, and put on meds. i can't take it anymore.
...
i told someone important, but what now?
i lived, but what now?
i need time.
i hope this comforts someone out there, anyone at all, even in some weird, twisted way. you and me, we're not alone in this. remember that, my friend.
i don't know how to word it better: religious trauma, sexual assault trauma, physical and verbal abuse trauma, friendship/bullying trauma, medical trauma.
and i'll probably keep collecting them.
there have been many times in my life where i think i was supposed to die. almost choking at a workplace. almost getting into a collision. almost getting sepsis in the hospital. and there have been even more times in my life when i *wanted* to die.
i feel so insanely alone sometimes. i think it got worse after i became sexually active. no problem finding company for sex, but no luck finding someone to form a lasting, close relationship with.
the other night i felt almost delirious all of a sudden. i was crying and i had a very strong compulsion to clear all my digital devices and jump from the window. i tried drinking, and i realized i can't get drunk fast enough. i slapped myself a few times just to snap out of it. it's ridiculous. i don't know what to do.
i think it never went away. i'm not healed. i still think there's nothing here for me. the world is a horrible place with beautiful moments, but those moments won't save me. they can't convince me to live. i'm scared to tell anyone. i feel like a failure. i think i just want to be put in a hospital, and put on meds. i can't take it anymore.
...
i told someone important, but what now?
i lived, but what now?
i need time.
i hope this comforts someone out there, anyone at all, even in some weird, twisted way. you and me, we're not alone in this. remember that, my friend.
