Story I sh'ed for the first time & I don't feel suicidal anymore?

[Eupeptic]

Basically as the title says. I joined this forum earlier this week because I was rejected from a job after multiple interviews. This is just one of many times this has happened since the beginning of the year, but, for some reason, this time was too much for me and I began thinking about how to end it all. However, yesterday and the day before, I sh'ed for the first time in my life by cutting myself (not very deep) and squeezing my neck with a towel until I felt light-headed. They both made me feel kind of... alive again? Suddenly I want to get up and apply to more jobs and live again. It's weird. I'm just wondering why this might be. I used to think self-harming was something you only did when you were at your wit's end, but now I'm seeing it in a different light. ╮(ᵕ—ᴗ—)╭

I suppose I should mention that I've had depression and suicidal ideation of varying levels for around 6 years (it started during the pandemic and has gone away at times), and I've had anorexia for 2 years. I'm in therapy but would like to talk with people who won't tell me I'm unreasonable and understand what I'm going through, like you all~

 

[100memoryleaks]

sh used to help me with suicidal ideation before. i don't think it will help me anymore but i understand you

 

[YourLocalEdgelord]

What people (mostly pro-lifers and similar) don't wanna realize is that facing your authentic feelings, no matter how dark, is one of the most therapeutic things you can do.

However, sh is also a dangerous addiction. Please look into harmless ways to sh (something that doesn't leave wounds) before you get used to anything. I'm glad you feel better!!!

 

[LolLmao]

Self-harm can release certain chemicals in your body that make you feel good; the rush of endorphins can be very addictive, but it ultimately becomes a source of more stress than relief. I would advise staying away from it as much as possible, OP, but it is still better than suicide at least.

 

[ConstantPain]

Hi, I don't think it's weird but I will be honest that I've never done it. I used to work in a school and with students who primarily used cutting as a release. One in particular I really adored for her impeccable sarcasm and she also happened to be one of if not the smartest kids in school. She won every award possible at her grade level and any advanced classes the school had available. She also happened to be one of the harshest cutters. I hope she's doing well now and can't help imagine her as someone like Dr. House. Anyways, she was really articulate about cutting being her only real pleasure. It was the only thing that completely distracted her from all the pain, confusion, shame, anger and pessimism.
It turns out that a lot of people who self harm are above average intelligence and high achievers. I'm not encouraging using it as a coping method because it's dangerous so I hope that eventually you can find something healthier. I'm a chain-smoker and besides cigarettes, it's only meds and pets that help me cope enough. Smoking, drinking, drugging, gambling, shopping, eating, even tattooing are commonly used and probably everyone I know uses some kind of harmful coping.
Before anyone criticizes me for mentioning tattooing, I only did because I know someone who uses it that way and is running out of space for more. Tattoos can be awesome expressions of art, history, community etc.
Best of luck with your job search and I hope the right one becomes yours soon!

 

[Eupeptic]

sh used to help me with suicidal ideation before. i don't think it will help me anymore but i understand you

What people (mostly pro-lifers and similar) don't wanna realize is that facing your authentic feelings, no matter how dark, is one of the most therapeutic things you can do.

However, sh is also a dangerous addiction. Please look into harmless ways to sh (something that doesn't leave wounds) before you get used to anything. I'm glad you feel better!!!

Self-harm can release certain chemicals in your body that make you feel good; the rush of endorphins can be very addictive, but it ultimately becomes a source of more stress than relief. I would advise staying away from it as much as possible, OP, but it is still better than suicide at least.

Thank you all. This forum is so kind <3. I know sh is not a healthy way to deal with my issues, so I will try to avoid the nagging urge I have in the back of my mind to do it again. It makes sense why people call it "addictive." I'm a wuss about pain anyway LOL, so I'd rather not do it.

 

[LolLmao]

Thank you all. This forum is so kind <3. I know sh is not a healthy way to deal with my issues, so I will try to avoid the nagging urge I have in the back of my mind to do it again. It makes sense why people call it "addictive." I'm a wuss about pain anyway LOL, so I'd rather not do it.

I'm glad you realize it isn't healthy, best of luck on overcoming it!