Do you remember the first time you thought of suicide?

[IonicLemon69]

Do you remember the exact moment & what age you were?
I remember being 10-11 years old & looking at my closet & thinking of hanging myself. My childhood home was less than ideal to develop in & my family was beginning to fall apart at the seams. (Which was for the best anyway with thinking back on daily life & what I had to experience, but at that age it definitely felt like the end of the world irregardless of the trauma I was going through.) How about you?

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I found comfort in death ever since I was aware of what it is, the only comfort for me has ever been in the thought of an eternal, dreamless sleep. My wish to die was a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, under no circumstances would I ever wish to be burdened with the ability to exist, I only wish for the true peace of eternal nothingness, only wanting death has ever made sense to me.

 

[Coconteppi]

In my case I found comfort in death ever since I was aware of what it is, the only comfort for me has ever been in the thought of an eternal, dreamless sleep. My wish to die was a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, under no circumstances would I ever wish to be burdened with the ability to exist, I only wish for the true peace of eternal nothingness, only wanting death has ever made sense to me.

I like the way they put it. Feels relatable.:)

 

[AtomicWaffles]

I was like 7-9 and I was thinking about hanging myself. I don't know why I was as happy as a child could be I suppose but who knows.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I actually can't remember the first time I thought of suicide. I can remember that I've wanted to die since I was around 8, but I don't even remember the first time I started having those thoughts. Just that I wanted to die around sometime when I was 8. It's honestly pretty annoying. I can remember having actual thoughts about suicide back when I was in my early teens, but I can't remember the exact age or moment in which I started thinking about suicide...

 

[rottenflesh]

at like 9/10 but i was wondering why would anyone think about doing something so extreme... look at me now

 

[CountingSeconds]

Yes. I was 13. I'd locked my bedroom door, slid down it and sat on the floor. Downstairs I heard screaming and shouting and chairs flying. I wanted it to stop. I undid my belt, looped it round my neck and pulled as tight as I could until I felt myself starting to black out, at which point I loosened the grip.

It was the first time I realised that death is preferable to living. I've thought about that almost daily since. I'm 37. I don't really have any memories prior to that. This is all I've known.

 

[IonicLemon69]

I like the way they put it. Feels relatable.:)

Same!! Thanks for the comments! :)

I was like 7-9 and I was thinking about hanging myself. I don't know why I was as happy as a child could be I suppose but who knows.

Yeah, I think I feel the same as you. As a child I was pretty happy for the most part & oblivious to what was happening in my home. I had great friends, was well liked & was doing well in school which is all that mattered as that age lol. I honestly never even heard of suicide besides probably on TV which that I don't even recall.. but the thought crossed my mind. Just was thinking about it & find it interesting.

 

[F@#$]

No,but I'm sure I was still a child.

 

[whywere]

For me, in March 1982, my best friend ever and I will always remember him died. The cops back then had no cell phones nor net and with those 2 aspects said, they put a APB (All Points Bulletin) on me. I was going to join him in the afterlife but instead I got beyond drunk, and I staggered back to the college dorms. I still miss him each and every day.

When I was 18, homeless and hungry, I met him and his folks took me in, fed and housed me for free and we did so much together.

Walter

 

[MindFrog]

7 years old. I was contemplating stabbing my eye with a scissor because I suck at making friends.

 

[dragonofenvy]

8 years old. I was considering throwing myself in front of my school bus as it rounded a curve to my house. Your life has to be real shit to think about stuff like that at such a young age.

 

[Malaria]

I was about eight years old. I was considering stabbing myself in front of my classmates because I was being bullied. When I told them this, it just made them laugh at me and bully me even more.

 

[divinemistress36]

When I started puberty the hell began

 

[sserafim]

I always thought that I wasn't going to live past 18, but I don't think that it was necessarily suicide, just a sense that I wouldn't reach it. I became actively suicidal during high school or college I think. I thought that I would ctb before graduating college, and was researching methods on lostallhope back in 2021. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to attempt, which is why I'm still here lol.

 

[4am]

i don't remember whether i wanted to suicide per se, but i remember being 12 and thinking how much better would it be if i wasn't alive. but the earliest memory i have of wanting to kms is at 14 when i tried to ctb by night-night method, at the time i obviously didn't know what it was or whether it would work. at 12 i didn't think i would reach 14, but oh well...

 

[jacobryan]

I was 15-16, an outcast in school, skinny as hell, and had been the target of bullying for years. I just thought it would be simpler if I wasn't around. Over the years, the feeling went away, popping up occasionally for a few days, then it was gone again. But it's back now. And has stuck around the last couple of weeks.

 

[zzeroo]

8

 

[Candleburn]

Do you remember the exact moment & what age you were?
I remember being 10-11 years old & looking at my closet & thinking of hanging myself. My childhood home was less than ideal to develop in & my family was beginning to fall apart at the seams. (Which was for the best anyway with thinking back on daily life & what I had to experience, but at that age it definitely felt like the end of the world irregardless of the trauma I was going through.) How about you?

No I was very vefy young. Somehow I have always knew it would end like this.

 

[ctbcat]

i dunno about first, but my earliest i was probably eight-ish, i think. i used to cry a lot, already disillusioned by adulthood since i had so many older relatives. i thought in my very young naivete i'd already ruined my life back then, and i saw no point in living since 'i'm just gonna end up in a miserable job anyway'. of course, that feeling persisted even past childhood... :-p it's funny and sad all at the same time realising how young i was already thinking of those types of things. paranoia turns to apathy, anyway. i used to be so fearful. now i just let it all pass - to my own detriment.

 

[untothedepths]

Sadly I count my very early childhood experiences. I was already trying to CTB before I even knew what CTB was. it went away after the majority of the CSA incidents stopped for awhile. It came back later when one parent passed away and the other started emotionally and physically abusing me really bad. Enough to hurt but not enough so that the wounds weren't excusable.

 

[girlsboysthems]

I was about 13 i think. the grand idea was to go into the little woods-ish place we have here (dealers hang out here, this was time when dealers had spots and you came to them) and since the school has brainwashed me into thinking that dealers or people in general just hand out drugs i wanted to do that. to my surprise no one would give drugs to a little kid lolol...

 

[turbomightbegone]

I believe I was around 11 when I tried to cbt for the first time. I remember trying to hang myself with my school tie, fastening it to my doorknob. I don't think I even understood what suicide was, I was just exposed to gory animations at a young age, and one of them featured someone cbting via hanging themselves with a tie and a doorknob. Honestly everything just felt like a fever dream, I think I backed down after a few seconds.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

I was 15, desolated, feeling a fucking weirdo in my new school, feeling stupid and ugly compared to all my inteligent and good looking colleagues and with 0 chance with any girl.
First i prayed for God or to any angel to help me and soon i realised that i was talking alone and that this world sucks. Very soon i started my first suicide ideation.

 

[theboy]

not exactly but it was in my adolescence

 

[IonicLemon69]

To everyone who has commented;

 

[chronicdissosiation]

cant vividly remember the first thought but i was most likely nine ?
growing up in poverty and with drug addicted, neglectful, abusive parents fucked me up heavily haha
wanted to kill myself just to escape the household i was in ( still want to…so

 

[Naked Weapon]

While I knew that I wanted to die years before this, when I was a little boy in elementary school, I desperately wanted to grow breasts so I could get breast cancer. It was a strange way to go, sure, but a family friend had recently died from it so this method seemed achievable. I can say now that I do have breasts but for entirely different reasons For a little after this fantasy, I thought you could only CTB through hanging. It seemed the most prevalent in media so I suppose that's just what I associated with suicide.

 

[sadcausebad]

I was around 6 or 7, I wanted to just not exist and constantly pray that god turn me into an angel.

 

[chiefkeefgaming37]

like 10 my friend told me about how he tried to hang himself