Discussion Do you really want to die?

[Insaner_Robot]

It's simple for me really. It's impossible for me to get what I need. On Tuesday the last person who loved me died. Evorybody I cared about and who cared about me is now gone. Except for my families two cats. but If they keep me we would all lose the only home we've ever known.

I have two brothers, both around a decade older than me. But I know they don't consider me family really, the better of the two is dismissive of me but he did love our mother and likes animals so with my life insurance he can save the house and care for them.

I've lost friends and save for the two cats my entire family. And I can't bear the crushing weight of the pain loneliness and despair alone.

 

[nohopenohappiness]

I go back and think about my attempt when younger and i would have saved myself so much time if I had ctb back then life now has come to that point

 

[NoLightRemains]

I voted "unsure." The majority of me sees no point. The shared reality we live in causes me nothing but discomfort. I feel incapable of fitting in society again now that my worldview has changed to see how fucked up society really is. Interacting with most people, including my family and friends is draining and stressful. I'm on a different wavelength now.

I still live because the other part of me, the animal driven by habit, is just comfortable enough to not CTB. I have just enough positive periods in my mood to make me question if I really am sure about CTB when things are bad. I question whether my suffering is great enough to traumatize the people who care about me.

I don't really have a hope things will get much better, but for the time being I'm trying to live with the hand I've been dealt. I tell myself I can always CTB later.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Yes I do.

 

[spectraltease]

Do you honestly want to die ?

Is there something you want that you can't have ? What if you magically, against all odds, got it tomorrow ?

I think my self-hatred and depression is just too strong. I never wanted to live, now is my turn. I wanna absolutely die.

 

[burglarlydante]

I really want to be alright and live a good life
But everyday things are getting worse and worse, I think dying will save me from feeling more and more pain
I see I'm nothing in anyone's life, so if I die nothing will change in anybody's lives
I plan to kill myself on november 21st (my birthday)

 

[ZRA]

Not really. If I was able to take the main issues in my life out of it, I think I'd be fine almost immediately (can't be sure about this obviously). The problem is that I've been in this limbo - I don't want to die, but living is unbearable (sorry about the cliche) - for what feels like forever. I can't go 100% to the side of living, so I really feel tempted toward the only other exit.

 

[Sakura94]

Not always

 

[wanttodie]

I really wish id die 100 %

 

[IntoTheLight]

I used to want to live forever. Amazing how things have changed. The person I once was already died. I always had a plan for the future. Now my only long-term plan consists of quitting the game.

 

[standbyme]

I got dealt a shit hand. If I could have a normal life, like normal relationships, normal everything.... I would be fine. But I'm an outcast. my own sister doesn't even like me. i have no job prospects. my life is miserable now and that's not going to magically change in ten years. fuck it, i'm going to do the one thing I ahve any control over and CTB. probably.

 

[Spetsnaz]

Do you honestly want to die ?

Is there something you want that you can't have ? What if you magically, against all odds, got it tomorrow ?

I don't want to die but I have no choice.

 

[raindrops]

Do you honestly want to die ?

Is there something you want that you can't have ? What if you magically, against all odds, got it tomorrow ?

I thought getting a cat would help and he has helped but the feeling lingers but i must go on to care my furry baby now

 

[Justnotme]

Absolutely. I fantasize about it like other people dream of winning the lottery.

Like someone else said, I was never meant to be here. When you think of the billions of people who've ever been born - what are the odds that every single one of them would be happy to be alive?

You can't get 100 people to agree on the best flavor of ice cream, but 100 BILLION are supposed to all agree that their life is worth living? Sure. Ok.

I read about this vigilante group that carried out assassinations for a price (rumored to have been behind the murder of Haiti's president I think) and wondered if I could somehow reach them and pay them to kill me.

Every time I hear a news story about a person who died, I instantly wish it was me.

When I hear about celebrity suicides, I get angry at myself for not being as brave as them.

I've researched the symptoms of every kind of cancer under the sun and made note of which ones I have. Trying to convince myself that if I'm just patient "my cancer will come."

I've made a list of about 50 ways to die and rewrite it over and over when I need to find comfort.

Sometimes I feel like there isn't a single person on earth who wants to die as much as I do.

Even if I could be beautiful and rich and loved, I'd want to experience life as that person for a little while THEN die.

There's nothing that can make me want to stay. Why would I want to live and keep paying taxes, sitting in traffic, and going to the dentist?

How can anyone make a pitch for life? What are the selling points? How would you convince someone who isn't born yet that they should definitely be born?

Student loan payments, trash siblings, your neighbor's barking dog, sore throats and allergies. Convenience fees and co-pays. Rashes and sprained ankles. Carjackings and road rage. Bullies and checkout lines. Flat tires and jury duty.

"How can you not want a piece of this?!"

I really understand you:(I also very often look to see if I have some deadly disease when I just have a little headache. A few months ago I took a general blood test and all my indicators were absolutely normal. And it upset me incredibly.
Why do I want to have a terminal illness? Because it's so much easier to leave this world if you have a family. For them, my suicide will not be such a shock event if they find out that because of my illness, I would have had little left to live anyway.
In the world, they are still afraid of the desire to leave the world on their own without having diseases.
Therefore, yes, the presence of the disease has simply simplified the feelings of your loved ones, if you have them
It is very unfair that I cannot give my health to someone who, for some reason, wants to live, but is ill.
Fucking world

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Do you honestly want to die ?

Is there something you want that you can't have ? What if you magically, against all odds, got it tomorrow ?

If I could reverse my degenerative condition I would love everything about life. Every fucking thing.

 

[outrider567]

Yes

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Definitely yes. Should have done it last year like I almost did. But no, I decided to move back home with a family member and possibly try and make a life again. That was a terrible idea. Things have only gotten worse and today I lost the only friend I had whom I could talk to and feel safe with. It was a terrible idea to come back here and make the effort to start over. It's only made me worse....

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I have to go. My circumstances decided it for me. There is no magics in this world to fix what is.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I am one of the circumstantial cases, I don't exactly "want" to die, but the other option feels worse than just dying, and the only thing that could fix it is literal magic that doesn't exist.

 

[noalarms]

I go back and think about my attempt when younger and i would have saved myself so much time if I had ctb back then life now has come to that point

This is what inspires me to ctb as a someone in their early twenties.

Things are difficult now, but they will be much worse in the future.

 

[almaranthine]

I recently read this manga online about a girl who jumps off a building after deciding her life wasn't worth living anymore only to be stopped in the middle of the fall by a reaper who gives her 100 more days to live so that she can experience her deepest wish, "to be loved". It was actually a pretty good read, cheesy yes, and of course in the end she doesn't get dragged to the underworld and gets to marry her love. It got me thinking about myself, my situation... you know, what if? Right? Then I realized that even if my material world changed dramatically, my finances were stellar, I became loved somehow and had a genuine intimate relationship... I would still have to live with the fact that I have lost my goddamn mind *several* times, that being medically drugged will not guarantee it never happens again, and that I could lose my grasp on reality and any progress I've made in life (better job etc) at the drop of a hat. Fuck that. Let me just end it now while I can think somewhat straight and don't hear voices in my head. Whoever would be dumb enough to love me and my traumatized self would be better off with someone else anyways.

 

[doesitreallymatter]

I go back and think about my attempt when younger and i would have saved myself so much time if I had ctb back then life now has come to that point

Me too ! My first attempt was about 10 years ago and I don't regret it in the slightest, I only wished I'd ctb then and saved myself 10 years of pain

 

[StolenLife]

It's only more suffering down the road as well as old age so this would be ideal time to go. For some people life can be beautiful but because of my circumstances I wasn't that lucky.

 

[outrider567]

I used to want to live forever. Amazing how things have changed. The person I once was already died. I always had a plan for the future. Now my only long-term plan consists of quitting the game.

Yes, the person inside me has also died

 

[Conker]

Life is a gift, unfortunately in these fallen realms there is no such thing to be found...

Which leaves me with no other choice than to plan accordingly.
It wasn't my first or preferred route, I just find this place to be intolerable & unsatisfying.
This false reality is a horrific nightmare, and seldom worth any effort..

 

[SpentStardust]

Not sure. I'm just really tired of living. But every time I decide I'm gonna plan to ctb after some time I see this new chapter of this story, or this other thing I'm interested in, and I start to lose motivation, and then it's back to just being tired but not having enough motivation to actually do it. Maybe one of these days I actually order the SN. After that it'll be a lot easier to plan for ctb, and I'll be able to do it without much waiting, which should reduce these issues.

 

[Sammie]

on top of guilt/shame/fear/anxiety. those same folks might be screwed either way, but at least they wouldn't have to look at me and be pissed or sad. Maybe there would be some reward for my sacrifice.

Like you, I have people in my life who still need me however it is difficult because I'm just tired though I have been actively working toward improving my life over years...I cannot change my physical condition and therefore my situation can improve so much. I understand what you mean about feeling burned out, and I also feel the anxiety/guilt/shame/fear. What do you mean when you say "at least they won't be pissed or sad," and "maybe there would be some reward for my sacrifice"? Do you mean by not "ctb" such that they would be angry at you if they knew it was self inflicted, and your sacrifice meaning to stay for them? I definitely think if things could improve for you, it is a good thing to try especially having people around who rely on you and//or care.

 

[SamTam33]

Life is a gift, unfortunately in these fallen realms there is no such thing to be found...

Which leaves me with no other choice than to plan accordingly.
It wasn't my first or preferred route, I just find this place to be intolerable & unsatisfying.
This false reality is a horrific nightmare, and seldom worth any effort..

I went to YouTube so I could thumbs up that second song and apparently I'd already done it. I wish there was a way to see what date I discovered it because I have no recollection of ever seeing it!

Thought that was kinda funny (and a little bit sad too).

 

[GasMonkey]

I'd need to become a young chad with optimal health, which unfortunately is impossible, HueHueHue.

 

[western_heart]

I don't want to have a difficult life. I have standards. I want to end my life before the suffering gets to be too much, there is a chance that my circumstances change and my health improves & I get a job that is good for me, but I am content with accepting suicide (if I can get a suitable method) and finding it difficult to commit myself to recovery right now