Venting Do you ever want to be abused?

[anhedonya]

I was referring to ssera, not Halley. I'm not the most articulate person and I apologize for not being 100% clear about who I was referring to.

Tbh, the way ssera said it felt the same as if someone came onto an eating disorder forum saying that they want to get anorexia and become a skinny legend.

No worries at all! No need to apologize, there's so many things to say and not enough time to fill in every way it could be interpreted, so I completely understand.

It was very badly timed and said, yeah. It read more like some kind of sick inside joke or internal dynamic between them? rather than an actual compassionate response to the situation. The tone was very strange and I'm surprised to see that kind of talk from her at all.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

No, I am man.

…

What does that even have to do with being a man though?

 

[SexyIncél]

It was very badly timed and said, yeah. It read more like some kind of sick inside joke or internal dynamic between them? rather than an actual compassionate response to the situation. The tone was very strange and I'm surprised to see that kind of talk from her at all.

I consider sserafim a friend, and think she should not be shamed. She answered honestly, and perhaps helps de-pathologize the OP's urges. (But I can't speak for the OP)

ig, I just didn't expect to see rape fantasies on a site abt suicide

Due to the lack of censorship, nonconformists can be honest here. Including autists & such. Despite ideological pressures to dismiss them as "mentally ill" — a nebulous catch-all term. After all, this also happens to many women aware of no history of sexual trauma

I talk about such things privately with a couple women. (No guys I know wanna touch this with a 100 foot pole.) And helped women experiment with this as a form of exposure therapy. Such urges to be abused seem to not just be caused by social mechanisms — but also biological ones. They're normally nullified by other clashing mechanisms (such as fear of social disapproval, or a desire to limit sex to attractive men). But those other mechanisms too can be nullified

I've noticed such a desire to be dominated:

• correlates with a desire for others to lower complexity. ("I can stop thinking")
• tends to come out more in stressful environments (like capitalism/wageslavery, with its artificial scarcity that reduces people to hunting-animals, barely surviving and/or working long hours for no higher purpose)

I first discovered this as a teen, with a gf who pushed me hard to sexually coerce her. That same year, I counterattacked a rapist who attacked 2 underaged girls. Really threw me for a loop; yet more evidence I was in CrazyTown. Nowadays, I find it just normal — or at least, no weirder than calling oneself SexyIncél & posting on a suicide forum

Last time I wrote publicly about it, I told a successful, married friend how many gals had this urge. She said "Add me to the list"

 

[Lady Laudanum]

No worries at all! No need to apologize, there's so many things to say and not enough time to fill in every way it could be interpreted, so I completely understand.

It was very badly timed and said, yeah. It read more like some kind of sick inside joke or internal dynamic between them? rather than an actual compassionate response to the situation. The tone was very strange and I'm surprised to see that kind of talk from her at all.

I'm brand new to this forum so I wouldn't know about any inside jokes or dynamics between certain users. However, I don't know if people should be making inside jokes in this context even if the intention is completely harmless. It's too easy for others to misunderstand, and it also just sets a bad example for the content that we should be seeing on here.

 

[xinino]

…

What does that even have to do with being a man though?

It's kinda true when they considered evolution is blind. only existence it doesn't care how you feel.

 

[anhedonya]

I'm gonna be so real with you if you think I'm having an actual conversation with someone named SexyIncel who I've seen on countless misogynistic threads.... lol

 

[lostinwoe]

I consider sserafim a friend, and think she should not be shamed. She answered honestly, and perhaps helps de-pathologize the OP's urges. (But I can't speak for the OP)


Due to the lack of censorship, nonconformists can be honest here. Including autists & such. Despite ideological pressures to dismiss them as "mentally ill" — a nebulous catch-all term. After all, this also happens to many women aware of no history of sexual trauma

I talk about such things privately with a couple women. (No guys I know wanna touch this with a 100 foot pole.) And helped women experiment with this as a form of exposure therapy. Such urges to be abused seem to not just be caused by social mechanisms — but also biological ones. They're normally nullified by other clashing mechanisms (such as fear of social disapproval, or a desire to limit sex to attractive men). But those other mechanisms too can be nullified

I've noticed such a desire to be dominated:

• correlates with a desire for others to lower complexity. ("I can stop thinking")
• tends to come out more in stressful environments (like capitalism/wageslavery, with its artificial scarcity that reduces people to hunting-animals, barely surviving and/or working long hours for no higher purpose)

I first discovered this as a teen, with a gf who pushed me hard to sexually coerce her. That same year, I counterattacked a rapist who attacked 2 underaged girls. Really threw me for a loop; yet more evidence I was in CrazyTown. Nowadays, I find it just normal — or at least, no weirder than calling myself SexyIncél & posting on a suicide forum

Last time I wrote publicly about it, I told a successful, married friend how many gals had this urge. She said "Add me to the list"

Imma keep it a buck with you, I have no idea what you're saying or why you replied to me what does what I said have to do with you having bdsm fantasies?
If I'm missing something lmk cause I'm so lost

 

[anhedonya]

I'm brand new to this forum so I wouldn't know about any inside jokes or dynamics between certain users. However, I don't know if people should be making inside jokes in this context even if the intention is completely harmless. It's too easy for others to misunderstand, and it also just sets a bad example for the content that we should be seeing on here.

Oh no for sure, I definitely agree with that. What I meant is more so that it read less as compassionate (which I suppose she could've expanded into without tagging the person? like talked about her issues to help OP feel less alone) and more so as some kind of internal dynamic thing that she quickly brought up without even extending a word of kindness to OP. All in all the comment should've never been made 100%

-
I'm sorry, by the way, halley. I didn't mean to spam the thread or anything- and I'm sorry that talking in here so much brought it to the attention of weird people. If you need anything I'm here and I wish things were better for you.

 

[SexyIncél]

Imma keep it a buck with you, I have no idea what you're saying or why you replied to me what does what I said have to do with you having bdsm fantasies?
If I'm missing something lmk cause I'm so lost

No prob. I don't particularly "have" rape fantasies for myself. I create/improvise/perform them for people who do. Some have been abused, some haven't. The more insight into this phenomenon I have, the more successful my performances may be. It also helps explain why there's so much demand for someone to "abuse" them

Some abused people appear to experiment with it as a form of therapy; and I've spoken with a therapist about it. Thus, this discussion may be useful for people like the OP (and others), who may find themselves dealing with contradictory & even shame-filled feelings on this

Also, I'm taking care to write dryly, maybe obscurely, because this is obviously a trauma-filled minefield

 

[lostinwoe]

No prob. I don't particularly "have" rape fantasies for myself. I create/improvise/perform them for people who do. Some have been abused, some haven't. The more insight into this phenomenon I have, the more successful my performances may be. It also helps explain why there's so much demand for someone to abuse them

Some abused people appear to experiment with it as a form of therapy; and I've spoken with a therapist about it. Thus, this discussion may be useful for people like the OP (and others), who may find themselves dealing with contradictory & even shame-filled feelings on this

Also, I'm taking care to write dryly, maybe obscurely, because this is obviously a minefield

ngl I haven't slept in like 50 hours cause of some stims I took, so imma just get some sleep cause I still don't see what your trying to tell me

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Top 10 saddest threads for me :(

I can't say more than that :(

Well, I think loneliness and trauma can make someone feel this way, so in a way I can even relate a little bit, but my rational side tells me it's much better to be loved than abused. I think wanting to be abused can be borne of hopelessness, when someone can't even imagine being loved anymore :(

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Jup I definitely do for hurting my best friend i deserve it

 

[fleetingnight]

Yeah, I completely get how you feel. I'm sorry that life and other people have been so terrible to you. You aren't alone.

 

[halleyscomet]

I'm sorry for some of the responses you've gotten. I've been where you are and I know many people who have gone through the same thing. It's a trauma response following difficult events to go one of two ways which are both very common: lean towards seeking more pain as a form of self harm or lean away from human contact all together. Hence how you get hyper sexual and sex aversion, for example.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way. You should not feel shame. Every survivor of horrible events reacts differently and we can't pretend one way is more "morally" correct just because it doesn't fit what WE would do.

I wish you the best. I hope you can recover from what happened to you. Please, please, please understand nothing that has happened to you is your fault and even if you SOUGHT pain out and waited for someone to abuse you and tried to find people with those toxic traits- it still would never mean you deserved any of it. People should treat others with kindness, period. You deserved better and still do.

Thank you for your continued kindness, I really appreciate your kind words they mean a lot to me.

I was referring to ssera, not Halley. I'm not the most articulate person and I apologize for not being 100% clear about who I was referring to.

Tbh, the way ssera said it felt the same as if someone came onto an eating disorder forum saying that they want to get anorexia and become a skinny legend.

I was too a bit weirded out by their response, but I did ask a question and they answered honestly so I am not bothered by it.

ig, I just didn't expect to see rape fantasies on a site abt suicide

It's not like I enjoyed getting raped. It was fucking terrifying. I'm just at a point now where I'm getting very unwell, I am so lonely and mentally ill that I'll seek out any kind of human connection. My mind is in shambles, nothing is clear in my head. I'm not trying to glorify abuse, I'm sorry if it came across that way.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

It was very badly timed and said, yeah. It read more like some kind of sick inside joke or internal dynamic between them? rather than an actual compassionate response to the situation. The tone was very strange and I'm surprised to see that kind of talk from her at all.

I just want to clarify that the user you're talking about has ASD and she didn't mean to make fun of the OP at all. From her point of view, she was just answering the thread title honestly and one of her traits, from what I've seen on this site, is that she answers questions with brutal honesty because of her aspergers. It was poorly timed, yes, but she wasn't being malicious at all

 

[halleyscomet]

I just want to clarify that the user you're talking about has ASD and she didn't mean to make fun of the OP at all. From her point of view, she was just answering the thread title honestly and one of her traits, from what I've seen on this site, is that she answers questions with brutal honesty because of her aspergers. It was poorly timed, yes, but she wasn't being malicious at all

I also have ASD, I was asking a question and I did expect honest answers. It does not offend me in the slightest.

 

[anhedonya]

I'm trying to keep this reply short and direct so it doesn't get refreshed so much onto the forums and then that weird incel person comes back or something. Read this in a neutral tone please I am not trying to sound rude.

I just want to clarify that the user you're talking about has ASD and she didn't mean to make fun of the OP at all. From her point of view, she was just answering the thread title honestly and one of her traits, from what I've seen on this site, is that she answers questions with brutal honesty because of her aspergers. It was poorly timed, yes, but she wasn't being malicious at all

I know her and have had many interactions with her. I (very very very likely) have what many professionals and people in my life would also call autism/severe autistic traits though I've never gotten it 100% diagnosed for a multitude of reasons, primarily that having such a thing on your eternal psychological file is like... in the place I live in, it'd be horrible for me trying to get a job, for example. So I do understand why she might've gotten to the logical mental point of saying that, I know she wasn't trying to be cruel or something, but with or without autism I feel like she could've phrased it better. Example: " I understand yeah. I have thoughts like that too and it's been hard for me because they kind of intrude upon my time and they're about a close friend so it's a lot for me to deal with."

Just coming out of the gate like that with no compassionate response tied TO the comment really bothers me personally because she's very active here in this site so I know she likely saw the previous posts leading to this situation. So not only do I feel it's a bad comment to make by itself, autism or not, but the actual context it's in makes it, to me personally, even worse to have come out of the gate with.

Again I don't think she was trying to be cruel on purpose. And I'm also so, so blunt in real life that I get in trouble a LOT and I've been called all manner of slurs as people insult my intelligence over it. So I get that part. But in all the times I've seen her and talked to her, she's never brought that kind of talk up, and I do not think it was productive or useful for the conversation.

 

[SexyIncél]

I'm trying to keep this reply short and direct so it doesn't get refreshed so much onto the forums and then that weird incel person comes back or something. Read this in a neutral tone please I am not trying to sound rude.

Then maybe you should stop sliding your little barbs in slantwise? After all, you're free not to address substantive points. Regarding weirdness... you're on a suicide forum that the media portrays as full of people who are simultaneously murderous monsters & hapless victims. The vast majority of us have accepted our weirdness. Perhaps you should too

And furthermore, you spend your time on this thread policing how others should talk — implying I'm misogynist for standing up for a woman who spoke her mind. Had you not intervened, people would've shrugged & simply moved on — as you yourself point out. (The OP wasn't bothered/offended by sserafim's point.) Normally, if there's a problem, the usual action is to hit the report button, or simply inform the mods. Not center yourself

Shall we move forward? You can get one last minor barb in, if you wish

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Physically? No, not really. Beyond the occasional rougher touches or playful slaps I don't really see the appeal in BDSM-like stuff whether administering it and especially not in taking it.

Mentally is a different story. Even though I constantly abuse my own mind all the time, the allure of a woman tearing my mind apart only to pick up the pieces and struggle to put it back together is thrilling in a sense though I can't really figure out why. Objectively I would simply prefer to love and be loved with only kindness and respect being exchanged between us but sometimes I do get some weird craving for a woman to aggravate and tease and goad me enough to want to hate her as much as I hate myself which I thought to be impossible. It's fucked up because I can't really see a situation in which I ever get to indulge in this sort of thing anyway.

 

[anhedonya]

Again, not going to argue with a misogynist and waste my time. You can try to bait me all you like. As long as I'm alive and breathing for the short time I've got left before I kill myself, I promise to warn people against falling for that pipeline to bigotry which you so strongly push upon many, many threads using false stories and twisting narratives to portray yourself as a good guy. You have already been warned by the mods before. Have fun making a false accusation about me somewhere as you've done to countless users, I guess!

 

[SexyIncél]

[Err... just a weeeee clarification — I've never received any warnings, as mods can confirm. And if I make false accusations against anyone — or frankly gossip about suicidal people — please feel free to tell the mods! Obviously they should take action against anyone who does that]

 

[anhedonya]

I'm sure the many times mods have had to close or intervene in threads you helped in making dumpster fires & thus had to hand out written commentary about not saying some of the stuff you do is in no way considered a warning and the mods just LOVE everything you do. So true! And I'm sure FadingDawn and all the other people you've incorrectly accused of supporting child abuse, for example, are all fake too and you just have the purest of intentions. You will not bait me or portray me as a liar lol

 

[Linda]

I know it sounds incredibly illogical, and it is - but I want to be abused so badly it causes me to ctb. I have been abused many times in the past, neglected, sexually, emotionally - but it's never enough to push me over the edge. I want nothing more then to die, but I can't bring myself to go through with it because of this false sense of hope that si gives me. I need something so horrifically terrible to happen to me, that it pushes me over the edge.

I know I sound insane, and I probably am, but I can't see any other way that ctb would be accessible to me. I'm constantly changing my mind about whether I should ctb or not, despite the fact that I am so deeply unhappy and miserable. I have this little bit of fear and hope stuck and I need to find a way to get rid of it, and I feel like a trauma that is so severe would do the trick.

I feel like I deserve the pain, the pain feels somewhat soothing in a fucked up way. When bad shit happens it makes me feel valid, being sick is my normalcy but no matter how sick I get it's never enough. I just want to get incredibly ill that I cannot be saved, or so beaten down and abused that I have no choice but to ctb.

I'm vulnerable and lonely, I know I'm unwell and I know I'm thinking irrationally. But I just wish so badly someone would ruin me, I want to be of use, I want to be valid, I want to be dead. I am so tempted to wonder off through the streets tonight and see what happens, I don't live in the nicest area. Maybe I'll get shitfaced and wonder off alone and see if someone will just kill me. Maybe I'll run across the motorway and hope I'll get hit. I don't know I just need to be hurt.

A feeling of wanting to be hurt does sometimes follow experiences of actually being hurt. You will probably find it difficult to get rid of that feeling. Perhaps your best way forward is to manage it. Keep it from getting out of hand. You could do that by arranging to get hurt, but in a controlled, and not too serious way. (My thinking here is being guided by what people in the BDSM community have told me. Even though your situation isn't the same as theirs, there seem to be some parallels, and I think it likely that some of their experience probably is transferable to you.)
That would be the short term way of managing the situation. In the longer term, you could try to get some therapy, to help you understand more clearly why you feel the way you do, where exactly those feelings come from, and what (if anything) you can do about them.
I don't think you should ctb at the moment. You are too confused. I think it would be better to put ctb out of your mind for a while, and try to work through your feelings about being hurt. You would lose nothing by doing that, since the option to ctb isn't going to go away. You might gain a clearer view of whether or not you really want to ctb as you work through these issues.

 

[SexyIncél]

Ok, this is more than a minor barb, anhedonya. :) I understand & respect you have issues with me, though of course we disagree on specifics. I will request the mods intervene & resolve the conflict; and move any argument into a more appropriate venue. And perhaps salvage this thread from all the meta-talk

 

[halleyscomet]

A feeling of wanting to be hurt does sometimes follow experiences of actually being hurt. You will probably find it difficult to get rid of that feeling. Perhaps your best way forward is to manage it. Keep it from getting out of hand. You could do that by arranging to get hurt, but in a controlled, and not too serious way. (My thinking here is being guided by what people in the BDSM community have told me. Even though your situation isn't the same as theirs, there seem to be some parallels, and I think it likely that some of their experience probably is transferable to you.)

I am going to a psychiatrist next week to discuss getting therapy, but knowing the NHS it might be a while. Maybe the BDSM stuff could work, but I think right now in my current state I'm too vulnerable to be going out and meeting new people especially for that sort of thing. You're right, my head is in shambles and I'm becoming borderline delusional, I am mentally unwell and I shouldn't be making any rash decisions about my wellbeing as I am not well enough to do that.

I think I'm going to see my psychiatrist and take it from there, thank you for your kind words.

 

[ForsakenDial]

I know it sounds incredibly illogical, and it is - but I want to be abused so badly it causes me to ctb. I have been abused many times in the past, neglected, sexually, emotionally - but it's never enough to push me over the edge. I want nothing more then to die, but I can't bring myself to go through with it because of this false sense of hope that si gives me. I need something so horrifically terrible to happen to me, that it pushes me over the edge.

I know I sound insane, and I probably am, but I can't see any other way that ctb would be accessible to me. I'm constantly changing my mind about whether I should ctb or not, despite the fact that I am so deeply unhappy and miserable. I have this little bit of fear and hope stuck and I need to find a way to get rid of it, and I feel like a trauma that is so severe would do the trick.

I feel like I deserve the pain, the pain feels somewhat soothing in a fucked up way. When bad shit happens it makes me feel valid, being sick is my normalcy but no matter how sick I get it's never enough. I just want to get incredibly ill that I cannot be saved, or so beaten down and abused that I have no choice but to ctb.

I'm vulnerable and lonely, I know I'm unwell and I know I'm thinking irrationally. But I just wish so badly someone would ruin me, I want to be of use, I want to be valid, I want to be dead. I am so tempted to wonder off through the streets tonight and see what happens, I don't live in the nicest area. Maybe I'll get shitfaced and wonder off alone and see if someone will just kill me. Maybe I'll run across the motorway and hope I'll get hit. I don't know I just need to be hurt.

I apologize so much, OP. It appears that you now want to return to what you consider to be normal because of all the abuse you experienced throughout your life. You felt that you deserved it after experiencing abuse for such a long time. Although I've never wanted to be mistreated, I believed for a long time that my experiences with trauma weren't a justification behind my PTSD. And that it's something I deserve and will always happen, even if I didn't want it.

You are a beautiful person, and this is not how anyone should be treated. Your abusers made you believe that suffering is the only path to love. It's the psychological conflict brought on by abuse, depression, and trauma. This is something you can conquer. Insignificant as it may be, you have our support on SS. This is something you can overcome.❤

Ok, this is more than a minor barb, anhedonya. :) I understand & respect you have issues with me, though of course we disagree on specifics. I will request the mods intervene & resolve the conflict; and move any argument into a more appropriate venue. And perhaps salvage this thread from all the meta-talk

You started it. Let's concentrate on OP rather than on you acting like a victim after starting a fight. Or the swarm of ladies in your head who are playing out rape fantasies with you.

OP doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

It's you who has caused multiple posts to go awry, leaving others unsure of how to react. You took a genuine person discussing her trauma in this post and made it into another larp. Stop doing this. To be honest, the moderators need to look into holding you in this thread accountable.

 

[halleyscomet]

You started it. Let's concentrate on OP rather than on you acting like a victim after starting a fight. Or the swarm of ladies in your head who are playing out rape fantasies with you.

OP doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

It's you who has caused multiple posts to go awry, leaving others unsure of how to react. You took a genuine person discussing her trauma in this post and made it into another larp. Stop doing this. To be honest, the moderators need to look into holding you in this thread accountable.

It does make me quite uncomfortable how my post is being used, it isn't right.

 

[ForsakenDial]

It does make me quite uncomfortable how my post is being used, it isn't right.

It really isn't right. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry this thread hasn't turned out well for you. I'm sorry. It looks like @anhedonya was trying to help.

 

[halleyscomet]

It really isn't right. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry this thread hasn't turned out well for you. I'm sorry. It looks like @anhedonya was trying to help.

@anhedonya hasn't done anything wrong, she has shown me much kindness on this site, and I appreciate her being here.

 

[Leiden]

I wouldn't ever choose to be abused.