NSFW kinks and depression

[starrvingstar]

my low self worth has led me to indulge in the interest of pretty weird and frankly disgusting sexual interests that dont respect me as a human being or even as a person. not that i have ever seen myself worthy of human decency.

i would never be able to tell anyone even though there is a community for the sorts and i have met someone with the same interests, and told friends for thrills. i would never be able to play out these scenes with my partner, he respects me which is a good thing. but honestly since i was online at a young age i was constantly exposed to porn and would learn about and became easily bored with surface level kinks.

the things i used to write lenghty erotica about and fantasize about were honestly horrible. beyond the worst things, my desire to be killed or die bleeds into every aspect of my life.

i can't help but feel guilty all the time and disgusted at myself. nowadays i don't indulge as frequently since my partner has no interest, but it still lingers.

 

[orca87]

my low self worth has led me to indulge in the interest of pretty weird and frankly disgusting sexual interests that dont respect me as a human being or even as a person. not that i have ever seen myself worthy of human decency.

i would never be able to tell anyone even though there is a community for the sorts and i have met someone with the same interests, and told friends for thrills. i would never be able to play out these scenes with my partner, he respects me which is a good thing. but honestly since i was online at a young age i was constantly exposed to porn and would learn about and became easily bored with surface level kinks.

the things i used to write lenghty erotica about and fantasize about were honestly horrible. beyond the worst things, my desire to be killed or die bleeds into every aspect of my life.

i can't help but feel guilty all the time and disgusted at myself. nowadays i don't indulge as frequently since my partner has no interest, but it still lingers.

Coping emptiness and numbness with hypersexuality is quite common.

Should you ever be able to fight your depression, it is a good idea to stop consuming this content as it rewires your brain.

On the other hand, trying to challenge your partner a little bit (doesn't have to be all the way to your weirdest kinks) can spark your sexual life. Who knows? Maybe your partner is into the same kinks as you?

 

[starrvingstar]

Coping emptiness and numbness with hypersexuality is quite common.

Should you ever be able to fight your depression, it is a good idea to stop consuming this content as it desires your brain.

On the other hand, trying to challenge your partner a little bit (doesn't have to be all the way to your weirdest kinks) can spark your sexual life. Who knows? Maybe your partner is into the same kinks as you?

its been about a year since i have consumed porn and honestly i used to be addicted since i was a young teenager i've definitely since changed for the better

i think me and my partner are that place ready we end up with our sexuality, he knows everything i want to share and have shared when we met since i was pretty public about my interests.

 

[Hikikomori-chan]

I have been going through this also. Thank you for the way you worded it, as I haven't been able to figure out myself how I was feeling or how I should of even wrote it out. I discovered pornography whenever I was 5-6 years old and it was the more brutal kind as well so it heavily shaped me mentally to the point that as a 26 year old woman. I can't handle these chaotic thoughts anymore. I cannot enjoy romantic or basic vanilla sex. It feels like every single day for 20+ years, I've had dreams of somebody sexually abusing me and then killing me off. I had a fear of telling my partner this and ended up running to a chat room just to tell anonymous people because this is something that's been eating me for years.

My partner has tried his best to do what he can with certain kinks but I don't think he truly realizes how damage and broken I am. I want to be insulted, screamed at or threatened. I want to genuinely cry and I feel this huge sense of shame because of how bad I want to be treated like some cheap prostitute on the streets while obsessing over the thought of being choked to death. (Literally.)

 

[starrvingstar]

i dont think i worded it well at all haha but im glad you found comfort in this you are truly not alone and so many people of all genders share the same fantasies as you and i.

im comfortable and not ashamed of the desires i have for the same things you do and so much worse on top of it i dont think theres any reason to feel bad about what you desire, so dont.

i can understand how men who arent familiar with this kind of kink would be uncomfortable put in the situation where their girlfriend asks them to abuse them in all these brutal ways. my boyfriend is not dominant at all.

i feel as though i need someone to treat me as awfully as i feel i am, and how badly i think i deserve to be treated. maybe this is a consequence of porn consumption and misogyny...

me and my boyfriend met on a space where i was open about my sexual desires but he never acknowledged those fantasies of mine. i ask a few times about other less brutal kinks and he expresses his disinterest/comfort so i just stick to whatever he wants.

im not miserable without these violent scenes and i enjoy making my boyfriend feel good more than anything but i miss indulging in hard kinks and incorporating death, having someone to agree that im not worthy of a good life.

it all is probably crazy and unrealistic though lol.

 

[Hikikomori-chan]

i dont think i worded it well at all haha but im glad you found comfort in this you are truly not alone and so many people of all genders share the same fantasies as you and i.

im comfortable and not ashamed of the desires i have for the same things you do and so much worse on top of it i dont think theres any reason to feel bad about what you desire, so dont.

i can understand how men who arent familiar with this kind of kink would be uncomfortable put in the situation where their girlfriend asks them to abuse them in all these brutal ways. my boyfriend is not dominant at all.

i feel as though i need someone to treat me as awfully as i feel i am, and how badly i think i deserve to be treated. maybe this is a consequence of porn consumption and misogyny...

me and my boyfriend met on a space where i was open about my sexual desires but he never acknowledged those fantasies of mine. i ask a few times about other less brutal kinks and he expresses his disinterest/comfort so i just stick to whatever he wants.

im not miserable without these violent scenes and i enjoy making my boyfriend feel good more than anything but i miss indulging in hard kinks and incorporating death, having someone to agree that im not worthy of a good life.

it all is probably crazy and unrealistic though lol.

Yup. I totally feel it about it being unrealistic with what I'm wanting, exactly. Doesnt that totally fucking suck? Deep down I think I have a lot of feministic views that are reasonable but then this is how I betray myself mentally by putting myself in that dark spot and then adding sexual pleasure to it as well. I wish there was more out there that went into further detail about why some of us would want this.

I had a pretty tough childhood and I was essentially groomed online and some people say this is like a coping mechanism or a sense of control but my brain doesn't even know what this is, LOL.

I never knew how to reasonably deal with it and I just shoved those thoughts in the back of my head and ignored it because I felt very emotionally confused with why I wanted to be treated in this way, yet get mad at those who purposely treated others with disrespect. /I/ feel like I don't deserve respect, love, or kindness. Maybe there's this deep down nightmare I want for it to come true and for it to put me in my place? I guess?

 

[orca87]

i can understand how men who arent familiar with this kind of kink would be uncomfortable put in the situation where their girlfriend asks them to abuse them in all these brutal ways. my boyfriend is not dominant at all.

I'm a guy and I don't want to get too explicit here. But from my own experience and from talking about things like that, I believe that every "non-dominant" person can become a little more dominant if they perceive it as enjoyable and safe, probably not to the point of choking or something like that.

But suppose one partner puts themselves in a very submissive position, i.e. doing things that in vanilla sex terms would be seen as humiliating without being forced into that. In that case, it can cause the other partner to start enjoying it. If the "self-humiliating" partner then manages to express enjoyment of this practice, it could encourage some light form of "pushing" for the next time...

 

[starrvingstar]

I'm a guy and I don't want to get too explicit here. But from my own experience and from talking about things like that, I believe that every "non-dominant" person can become a little more dominant if they perceive it as enjoyable and safe, probably not to the point of choking or something like that.

But suppose one partner puts themselves in a very submissive position, i.e. doing things that in vanilla sex terms would be seen as humiliating without being forced into that. In that case, it can cause the other partner to start enjoying it. If the "self-humiliating" partner then manages to express enjoyment of this practice, it could encourage some light form of "pushing" for the next time...

and i agree with you! im a switch, but my boyfriend has previously expressed that he wouldnt even want to penetrate me at all because it puts him in too much control. he is very submissive and i doubt he would want to do any of the things mentionned to me himself. but thats fine i still enjoy being dominant.

Yup. I totally feel it about it being unrealistic with what I'm wanting, exactly. Doesnt that totally fucking suck? Deep down I think I have a lot of feministic views that are reasonable but then this is how I betray myself mentally by putting myself in that dark spot and then adding sexual pleasure to it as well. I wish there was more out there that went into further detail about why some of us would want this.

I had a pretty tough childhood and I was essentially groomed online and some people say this is like a coping mechanism or a sense of control but my brain doesn't even know what this is, LOL.

I never knew how to reasonably deal with it and I just shoved those thoughts in the back of my head and ignored it because I felt very emotionally confused with why I wanted to be treated in this way, yet get mad at those who purposely treated others with disrespect. /I/ feel like I don't deserve respect, love, or kindness. Maybe there's this deep down nightmare I want for it to come true and for it to put me in my place? I guess?

it does suck that is is unrealistic and can never really happen, but some people are willing to go great lengths for a scene.

you definitely are still valid as a feminist no matter what gratifies you. of course we dont condone abuse.

there is soo much to unpack and a few conversations about it on some forums but im not nearly educated enough to form an opinion here

i was also groomed by many men throughout my entire childhood/as a teenager. im sorry you had to go through that. its so sad that its so incredibly common for young girls. i have so much regret attached to the content i sent to people as a child. another reason i want to ctb. it makes me sick to think about.

 

[SexyIncél]

There's nothing wrong with it. Many women who haven't been abused still enjoy it. In fact, it's very possible for a partner to both respect and degrade you in bed!

HUUUGE trigger warnings for the rest of this post... And please switch gender pronouns as desired

But there's a bad man in everyone
No matter who we are
There's a rapist and a Nazi living in our tiny hearts
Child pornographers and cannibals and politicians too
There's someone in your head
Waiting to fucking strangle you

-- AJJ - People II: The Reckoning (lyrics)

I don't know if you like anarchist folk punk, but this song's honest. Basically, there's a brute in everyone's head. It doesn't matter as long as he can shut it off like a faucet when he suspects his girl might actually be hurt

Many enjoy both dominating and being dominated. Except in extreme cases, it doesn't mean they always want to be disrespected. Partly, people just like practicing and working things out sexually, and a lot of that is power dynamics. It's like a play, where the stage is a bed

Or the dining room table. Or a restaurant

One helpful mindset for a guy: "I'm raping a tigress". The tigress lets you rape her, because she likes it. Until she doesn't

The first time he does it, it may feel hard to compartmentalize. When he goes outside, he may have the crazy thought to grab a girl's hair, kiss her on the mouth, and walk away. He won't actually do it, but may be horrified at this sudden urge. It helps him to have a competent therapist who lets him talk it out, and then feel accepted and reassured that these intrusive thoughts are normal and will probably fade away. It doesn't mean he's a brute. Consensual rape isn't really rape

A big sense of humor helps, so he doesn't take it too seriously. It's just acting, letting his inner brute out for a walk. It's love, letting out funny parts of him that you enjoy

And you're not really cheating if your boyfriend pretends to be a rapist calmly observing, "Daaamn, you're wet! Maybe your boyfriend could learn a thing or two from me. You think I should video this for him?"

Then he just has to converge on the right amount of brutality for you. Submissives really differ here. He mustn't be ashamed at getting it wrong at first, he's learning, and learners need to experiment

When it's time to switch up, many guys can't stand being emasculated by a girl. But they can accept being a powerful guy who was slipped a date-rape drug -- then found themselves tied up. Striving to resist their sexual arousal, complaining they have a girlfriend. After all, superheroes get tied up all the time

and i agree with you! im a switch, but my boyfriend has previously expressed that he wouldnt even want to penetrate me at all because it puts him in too much control. he is very submissive and i doubt he would want to do any of the things mentionned to me himself. but thats fine i still enjoy being dominant.

Hopefully he has an inner brute to be unleashed... Empathetic guys can actually be really good at this, because they can see from your perspective

But as long as you both enjoy dominating him, great! Wonder if he likes pegging

 

[starrvingstar]

There's nothing wrong with it. Many women who haven't been abused still enjoy it. In fact, it's very possible for a partner to both respect and degrade you in bed!

HUUUGE trigger warnings for the rest of this post... And please switch gender pronouns as desired



I don't know if you like anarchist folk punk, but this song's honest. Basically, there's a brute in everyone's head. It doesn't matter as long as he can shut it off like a faucet when he suspects his girl might actually be hurt

Many enjoy both dominating and being dominated. Except in extreme cases, it doesn't mean they always want to be disrespected. Partly, people just like practicing and working things out sexually, and a lot of that is power dynamics. It's like a play, where the stage is a bed

Or the dining room table. Or a restaurant

One helpful mindset for a guy: "I'm raping a tigress". The tigress lets you rape her, because she likes it. Until she doesn't

The first time he does it, it may feel hard to compartmentalize. When he goes outside, he may have the crazy thought to grab a girl's hair, kiss her on the mouth, and walk away. He won't actually do it, but may be horrified at this sudden urge. It helps for him to have a competent therapist who lets him talk it out, and then feel accepted and reassured that these intrusive thoughts are normal and will probably fade away. It doesn't mean he's a brute. Consensual rape isn't really rape

A big sense of humor helps, so he doesn't take it too seriously. It's just acting, letting his inner brute out for a walk. It's love, letting out funny parts of him that you enjoy

And you're not really cheating if your boyfriend pretends to be a rapist calmly observing, "Daaamn, you're wet! Maybe your boyfriend could learn a thing or two from me. You think I should video this for him?"

Then he just has to converge on the right amount of brutality for you. Submissives really differ here

When it's time to switch up, many guys can't stand being emasculated by a girl. But they can accept being a powerful guy who was slipped a date-rape drug -- then found themselves tied up. Striving to resist their sexual arousal, complaining they have a girlfriend. After all, superheroes get tied up all the time


Hopefully he has an inner brute to be unleashed... Empathetic guys can actually be really good at this, because they can see from your perspective

But as long as you both enjoy dominating him, great!

its funny you mention AJJ, they were my top artist a few years ago when i was heavily indulging in my fantasies, also extremely depressed lol.

you put this all very well and light heartedly and i appreciate that.

sometimes i want to do more and go further but again i don't think he would appreciate it and it might actually hurt his character you know, some people just cant differentiate "acting" during a scene out as you mentioned from how i really feel as myself. ive always been a people pleaser when it comes to how i treat someone sexually.

 

[SexyIncél]

Oh I forgot to say! In case he changes his mind... it helps to change the way he speaks when doing this. So it's a different persona. Different speaking style, words, or accent. Even different intelligence. Whatever works

 

[starrvingstar]

Last week, a friend taught me a lot about the submissive's perspective. For her, it's about giving up control and the weight of responsibility. Sometimes results in trance state called subspace

So far, googling it turned up nothing hugely surprising. But there's useful concepts like "aftercare". They make it seem formal, but I guess that's when the cum-drunk duo's stumbling about, and the dominant pulls the sub into his arms, drapes blanket over her body, lets her head swim in drunken stupor. If he becomes alert soon, it may feel like he's watching over her like a lion, listening to her sleepy-girl sounds

Subs may become fully inarticulate, like in porn where actors mainly gasp and moan. It's a big tip-off when subs want insults like "dumb". A dom's questions should normally be rhetorical, not actually expecting an answer

btw this inarticulateness reminds me of some Russian realist porn [nsfw!]. Is the acting too simple -- or just right? Art performances often stick to a complexity budget, to avoid overloading the audience. So the more complex the lyrics, the simpler the music. Same with erotic performances, different people have different complexity tolerance at different times

yeah im fully aware of all of this me and my boyfriend met on a bdsm forum but he doesnt care for aftercare he just does what he has to do and leave im aware of it all and we just follow whatever formula he feels best doing like our sex life is fine for him completely im not worried about doing anything wrong in that regard sometimes i just dont think he could ever be dominant towards me

 

[SexyIncél]

ah never mind then! This is all new to me, I never studied this stuff. Learning by blabbing. Maybe i'll delete it, probably obvious to everyone, not to mention offtopic

 

[starrvingstar]

ah never mind then! This is all new to me, I never studied this stuff. Learning by blabbing. Maybe i'll delete it, probably obvious to everyone, not to mention offtopic

omg dont worry about it its useful and aftercare is super important to practice

 

[luminiby]

Heavy on the aftercare :( I'm sorry you don't get to experience that. if coping with your extreme fantasies was jotting them down and creating erotica you should definitely start picking it up again.

 

[starrvingstar]

Heavy on the aftercare :( I'm sorry you don't get to experience that. if coping with your extreme fantasies was jotting them down and creating erotica you should definitely start picking it up again.

thank you it's honestly fine we dont do anything too intense; if i do its on his end and i always thank him/comfort him and tell him he did a good job. i used to run an account where id post my lengthy erotica lol but ive lost all my creativity at this point. you think i should get back into it? maybe i will gain back some sexuality, diversity and creativity.

 

[luminiby]

thank you it's honestly fine we dont do anything too intense; if i do its on his end and i always thank him/comfort him and tell him he did a good job. i used to run an account where id post my lengthy erotica lol but ive lost all my creativity at this point. you think i should get back into it? maybe i will gain back some sexuality, diversity and creativity.

Absolutely! Even if you're not feeling creative atm whenever you start having those thoughts it's good to immediately jot them down for later in case a spark does come

 

[SexyIncél]

i used to run an account where id post my lengthy erotica lol but ive lost all my creativity at this point. you think i should get back into it? maybe i will gain back some sexuality, diversity and creativity.

If anyone here writes erotica and stuff, I'd happily read it. Might give me ideas for my work

This weekend I started writing suicidal erotic poetry as replies to threads, dunno if I'll keep it up

 

[starrvingstar]

If anyone here writes erotica and stuff, I'd happily read it. Might give me ideas for my work

This weekend I started writing suicidal erotic poetry as replies to threads, dunno if I'll keep it up

you should definitely keep it up, god i used to write awful suicidal erotica fantasies at my lowest point lmfao...