ButterToast
Lost
- Aug 11, 2023
- 70
I realized that for most of my life, I've always indulge in sexual things. And the more I try to remember where it came from the more confused and disgusted I feel.
As far as I remember, I already knew about mastrubation since about 5-6, although we didn't have internet back then, there were nowhere I could've accessed any sexual content, let alone knowing mastrubation is a thing.
I don't recall having experienced SA or experienced any severe physical abuse, but my memory is quite blurry especially from 5yo and before. I genuinely don't understand how, I just remember that I already had masochistic thoughts from back then, the earliest "thoughts" I mastrubated to were scenarios like I was being held hostage and torture (not gore thankfully), being enslaved, or having been deprived of some freedom/senses. But never anything actually sexual, the mastrubation became sexual around my teens when I got internet and discovered porn, but that's long after it became addicting and normal for me.
I've always thought life in unfair because my addiction to these led to hypersexuality that is taking time away, and sometimes I can't focus on work because it randomly came up. I knew from around 8-9 y.o that porn is bad for you, but it felt like someone telling me that heroine is bad years after I was force-fed it and got addicted. What the hell did I do wrong? Can someone at least find an explanation for it? I'm constantly disgusted with myself and hating myself partly because of this. I feel like I shouldn't get love or care from others because no human should waste their precious time, love, and resource on a scum sex pest like me.
It's ruining my life and I hate myself for this.
As far as I remember, I already knew about mastrubation since about 5-6, although we didn't have internet back then, there were nowhere I could've accessed any sexual content, let alone knowing mastrubation is a thing.
I don't recall having experienced SA or experienced any severe physical abuse, but my memory is quite blurry especially from 5yo and before. I genuinely don't understand how, I just remember that I already had masochistic thoughts from back then, the earliest "thoughts" I mastrubated to were scenarios like I was being held hostage and torture (not gore thankfully), being enslaved, or having been deprived of some freedom/senses. But never anything actually sexual, the mastrubation became sexual around my teens when I got internet and discovered porn, but that's long after it became addicting and normal for me.
I've always thought life in unfair because my addiction to these led to hypersexuality that is taking time away, and sometimes I can't focus on work because it randomly came up. I knew from around 8-9 y.o that porn is bad for you, but it felt like someone telling me that heroine is bad years after I was force-fed it and got addicted. What the hell did I do wrong? Can someone at least find an explanation for it? I'm constantly disgusted with myself and hating myself partly because of this. I feel like I shouldn't get love or care from others because no human should waste their precious time, love, and resource on a scum sex pest like me.
It's ruining my life and I hate myself for this.
