NSFW Hyper-"sexual" since childhood (5-6) with no prior sexual exposure?

[ButterToast]

I realized that for most of my life, I've always indulge in sexual things. And the more I try to remember where it came from the more confused and disgusted I feel.

As far as I remember, I already knew about mastrubation since about 5-6, although we didn't have internet back then, there were nowhere I could've accessed any sexual content, let alone knowing mastrubation is a thing.

I don't recall having experienced SA or experienced any severe physical abuse, but my memory is quite blurry especially from 5yo and before. I genuinely don't understand how, I just remember that I already had masochistic thoughts from back then, the earliest "thoughts" I mastrubated to were scenarios like I was being held hostage and torture (not gore thankfully), being enslaved, or having been deprived of some freedom/senses. But never anything actually sexual, the mastrubation became sexual around my teens when I got internet and discovered porn, but that's long after it became addicting and normal for me.

I've always thought life in unfair because my addiction to these led to hypersexuality that is taking time away, and sometimes I can't focus on work because it randomly came up. I knew from around 8-9 y.o that porn is bad for you, but it felt like someone telling me that heroine is bad years after I was force-fed it and got addicted. What the hell did I do wrong? Can someone at least find an explanation for it? I'm constantly disgusted with myself and hating myself partly because of this. I feel like I shouldn't get love or care from others because no human should waste their precious time, love, and resource on a scum sex pest like me.

It's ruining my life and I hate myself for this.

 

[passthisnote]

it started for me around that age too i must've seen something on tv or on the internet bc i was never abused either yet i began doing that stuff whenever i was alone im sure it has affected me in some way or other im just not entirely sure of how

 

[balladeer]

It's all very confusing. Sometimes I feel as though my soul was accidentally replaced by a filthy perverted old man at birth which could explain the reason I've always been this way.

I don't remember all that much and if I had to guess I suppose I was around 6 years old when it started, I'm not sure if my underdeveloped brain just saw it as some sort of 'self soothing' act. I don't really think my parents cared enough either, I got my first tablet at 7-8 with fully unregulated access to the internet which made me far more curious and slowly I became more and more twisted to the point I cannot recognize my own.

 

[caotic_realm]

I think it's a way to "escape" or "alleviate" the pain we feel—a battle between the biological desire to live and the desire to die. Back when I was a student, I felt lonely; I never had a girlfriend, though I did try. It was always frustrating to be ignored or rejected, and I felt powerless when it came to the possibility of starting a relationship with a woman, so my immediate outlet was to go home and masturbate. The worst part was adding pornography to the mix; when I first discovered masturbation, that was all it was, but once combined with porn, my brain started making associations—seeing women in skirts triggered the urge to masturbate, as did seeing women in knee-high socks or wearing "fashionable" glasses. Ultimately, it comes down to our minds working against us; when you add loneliness, a lack of friendships, and—of course—a lack of romantic experiences to the equation, pornography and masturbation turn into drugs that are harmful to our mental health.

 

[gattara]

i really struggle with sexual fantasizing too. i think consuming pornography as a child is sort of neglect, like your parents shouldve been more aware and prevented you from seeing content like that.