Venting Porn Addiction is eating me from the inside out

[brainrot16]

Hey guys I've been a lurker for a few years but this is my first actual post.

I know this might be a bit of a taboo topic and maybe not many people will understand, but I want to get it out anyways. I first saw porn when I was around 6 years old. It became a bigger problem when I turned 12, the hormones kicked in and I began viewing it very regularly. No one had warned me that it could lead to addiction, and I spiraled out of control.

I grew up in Eastern Europe where the education system was incredibly intense, and teachers would frequently verbally abuse you if you weren't keeping up (which I wasn't) which cause me a lot of mental anguish. I struggled a lot with ADHD but because of where I was from it was not a recognized condition and I could never get any help. Having so much neuroplasticity and realizing I can silence any negative emotions immediately with just a phone/computer, I'm afraid that I mightve ingrained porn as an immediate response to any negative emotion (boredom, stress). I start using porn and self harm to cope with school and being stupid.

Fast forward to now, a war breaks out in my country and I have to leave. I lose any friends I had and struggle at making new ones. I finally get medicated, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. Tho, I do get lucky enough to find the most caring and supportive girl I could imagine who has been my girlfriend for the last 4 years. I get lucky and get a good job for my age and for a few months my problem is almost gone and I actually feel like I'm doing well in life, but then it comes back, and it starts getting even worse. I suddenly got incredibly depressed and failed school. I get into a terrible university that Im getting in debt for, where I can't relate to anyone or make any friends. To make it worse, I have been hiding my addiction from my partner for years now, and the longer I go without telling her the worse it will be when I eventually do, but I'm too scared to go through with it because of how much it would hurt her, and because she might either never trust me again, or just break up with me and leave me completely alone, which would likely make it even worse.

I feel like an awful piece of shit and I just want somebody to understand my situation and what its like. My life just keeps going downhill and I have tried so hard and so many different times to improve it that I'm starting to think this might be forever, and if it is I don't want to live like this. I know there are so many people here who have situations so much worse than mine, but I was given all the right cards in life, and still somehow fucked it up. I don't want to kill myself over this because not only would it be incredibly pathetic, but it would also cause a lot of pain for the people around me, but I feel miserable genuinely every single day because of this and don't know how to find the strength to keep trying.

I hope someone here can understand

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

My addiction is alcohol so I can understand what it's like to have an addiction. Since completely losing interest in sex and dating, I've been a loner for a while so I don't know what to suggest as far as opening up to your partner about the addiction you have. I lost interest in porn entirely, so that's the only reason it isn't a problem for me, even though I used to watch it on occasion. I suppose that is why alcohol is the addiction i have instead.

I think if you explain to your partner how you became addicted to porn in the first place and why it is such a huge problem for you, maybe she will understand I don't know. If you really want help getting out of the addiction, then maybe whenever you feel the urge to indulge in it again, you can always message me and I can try to take your mind off of it. I'm on here quite often, so I can only hope I can be helpful. Sorry about the situation you're in.

 

[brainrot16]

My addiction is alcohol so I can understand what it's like to have an addiction. Since completely losing interest in sex and dating, I've been a loner for a while so I don't know what to suggest as far as opening up to your partner about the addiction you have. I lost interest in porn entirely, so that's the only reason it isn't a problem for me, even though I used to watch it on occasion. I suppose that is why alcohol is the addiction i have instead.

I think if you explain to your partner how you became addicted to porn in the first place and why it is such a huge problem for you, maybe she will understand I don't know. If you really want help getting out of the addiction, then maybe whenever you feel the urge to indulge in it again, you can always message me and I can try to take your mind off of it. I'm on here quite often, so I can only hope I can be helpful. Sorry about the situation you're in.

You're right. I think its so easy to get into a spiral of coping with having an addiction by abusing your addiction. The addiction exists because you couldn't cope with something else on your own, but the shame makes you feel as if you chose to be an asshole. I don't know about chemical dependencies of course, I'm only assuming from my own experience.

I appreciate you!

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

You're right. I think its so easy to get into a spiral of coping with having an addiction by abusing your addiction. The addiction exists because you couldn't cope with something else on your own, but the shame makes you feel as if you chose to be an asshole. I don't know about chemical dependencies of course, I'm only assuming from my own experience.

I appreciate you!

If you really want to avoid porn entirely, I have a few options for you. Talking to me could help sure, but I also have a couple stories I've posted on this site in off topic that might be of interest to you. Perhaps they could replace porn for you if you check them out. One of them is a story I've been working on for a while called Ready2CheckOut and it's about a fictional version of Sasu and the people from there who met in real life by accident and travel around in a hippie bus. The second one is a bit more new, but it comes with pictures from a video game of Medieval 2 Total War.

Only reason I am suggesting them is, if you feel like watching porn but don't want to and you can't get ahold of me for some reason (like if I'm at work or sleeping or something), these could be a good distraction so you lose interest in the porn in the first place.

 

[discernment]

Porn addiction is very very common. Unfortunately, like you said, it is a taboo subject, I suppose like all addiction is to some degree, which makes it even more isolating to live with. I'm not sure if you've ever had any type of therapy in the past? It would probably be really helpful to have some support rather than trying to manage everything alone. I've been in the depths of drug addiction and it definitely does feel like it will never end and its hard to see any sort of future where the addiction doesn't control your life, but it seems like you have the motivation to change your situation and I hope the replies on here will offer you a little bit of hope that this won't be forever.

In regards to your girlfriend, its a tricky one, because from a personal perspective as a woman I would want my partner (if I had one) to always feel like they could be honest with me without fearing my judgement, but of course I understand why you would be nervous about telling her.

 

[Insufficent]

I messed up my dating things in teens and twenties because of internetporn. It fuked up my view of normal relationships and how people should look to be enough for others. Between ages 13 and 25 I had one girlfriend. Quite sure it fuked up my marriage also...
Pornaddiction is simple and tough. It will hijack your primal instinct of reproduction. Every new video / actor is a new potential mate to create descendant and you over flood that system with artificial stimulation. A hell of a drug i say. Quite similar to be addicted eating junkfood. Long enough and normal feels sickening mundane, gray and blank.
Check your "brain on porn" website, helped me somewhat.
Read an scientific article about rats who were fed junkfood. They almost died to starvation after food was replaced with all around healthy but tasteless foodpellets.

 

[fadedghost]

women are often disgusted by male porn viewing habits and many women don't really understand or accept without revulsion how male brains are wired for visual stimulation. why do you need to tell your girlfriend? isn't it better that you view porn than end up cheating? maybe this is one of those things where disclosure isn't better?

is this a religious thing in which you feel bad about watching porn because of religion?

 

[caotic_realm]

I understand, but I guess we just had different luck...

In my case, pornography and masturbation have been my "escape" from all my problems for over 20 years. I discovered pornography around the age of 10 and masturbation at 12. Because I was bullied during my school years, I used them as a refuge; deep down, though, I didn't know why I was doing it. I thought it was just a passing phase—and that's what I was told: that it was part of adolescence, hormones, and the normal sexual desire of a healthy young person. The problem arose when I realized that, even though things weren't going too badly—since the worst of my academic struggles was over—watching porn and masturbating (PMO, from here on out) remained my refuge.

I faced countless rejections from women; the best-case scenario—if you could call it that—was that I managed to get some dates and kisses. Those moments were the closest I ever came to having a girlfriend, but in reality, I never actually had one. In the end, they would always leave me or lose interest—something I understand, given that I wasn't exactly the most attractive, interesting, or normal guy they could have met.

After ten years of being a NEET—and it's not so much that the situation has gotten worse—I can shamefully admit that "PMO" is my partner; it's the only thing I have. I see a pretty girl on the street and she doesn't even look at me; I meet pretty girls in Facebook groups and they pay me no mind... In the end, PMO is my "faithful girlfriend"...

I've resigned myself to the situation; I try to cope with it—doing it now and then, while also making an effort to go stretches without it. Yet, my addiction remains, as do the videos of beautiful women who will never be by my side (well, just one would be enough; I wouldn't ask for more, haha). They wouldn't look at me for my feelings or for who I am, either, since on the social scale, I'm a loser: I have no job, I didn't finish university, and I'm 35 years old... I think it's obvious: I'll never have a girlfriend or sex, and I'm not going to pay for it.

I imagine your situation is salvageable; there are therapies and alternatives to heal the emotional wounds driving your addiction—after all, like any other drug, it is possible to break free from it. As for me—beyond what I've already said—I want to die, and I'm going to do it. It's not just because of this, but due to other circumstances; I simply don't like life... Your life can be saved, and you have a chance to overcome your problems. My case is much harder, though, because I realize the addiction is the least of my worries.

 

[gattara]

i also retreated into pornography at a young age. it sneaks up on you and you realize you can't engage with anyone sexually irl or feel much. recently, ive stayed away from porn and masturbation so i can have a better relationship with my boyfriend, and i think its working, but it is difficult because im so used to watching porn when im tired, frustrated, bored, etc. but i want to become a happier person, and have more in my life.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

It's nothing to CTB over, but controversial take: it's time to quit making excuses for it & take control. If they don't exist already, I'm not sure why there isn't a whole line of devices for porn/gambling/pick your poison addicts where such things simply cannot be accessed. But aren't there parental controls that can be put on our devices…? You know there are. I think it's time to be the adult in the room and put porn blocks on everything you own, since willpower obviously isn't enough. When you get tired enough of your own bs, you'll do something concrete about it.

 

[darksoul999]

I am in the same boat. Porn is a DRUG! i would say its on of the strongest thing to break specially when you use it to make yourself
feel better when depressed.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Regarding the original post: I'm not sure why you would watch porn instead of having sex with your girlfriend. Whenever I had a girl that was willing to actually fuck with me (not often, but occasionally happened in the ancient past) I would do that instead... it's 10000 times better with a real person and someone else you are pleasing anyway.

I am in the same boat. Porn is a DRUG! i would say its on of the strongest thing to break specially when you use it to make yourself
feel better when depressed.

After being heavily depressed and mostly touch and completely sex starved for 6 years now I'm in the same boat, too
I feel like it's even worse having to resort to this if you had the pleasure to experience real love and sex a few times and now all you have is porn – a fake version that doesn't really satisfy the underlying needs like closeness or connection.

I hate being male at this point, I hate that I have a strong libido and sex drive and no one to realize it with. I would love to make a woman happy and being made happy by her, but in my situation that's realistically not happening. And even if it was, I've been either straight up rejected or replaced later on by every girl and woman I ever felt attracted to or had a thing with in my life, because they always had 10-100 options and I had 0... so it would again probably just be a temporary thing, with me being hurt more in that same way in the end. That also killed my self-esteem completely at this point, which is another reason why it's not happening.

So in the end, the only resort I have is porn to get my needs (not really) met until I CTB

 

[Stargate]

Your problem is engaging in lustful copes and behaviours. Feeling like you need that time off and just destress by jerking off for hours, or getting drunk, eat junk food, gamble, or do drugs. The mental frame for all of those is same. It got control of you and you not just gonna forget about it. It's like a groove in the wood, the more you make it deeper, more engrained in your psyche and personality it gonna be. You need to disengage from it. Slowly. People do mistake in my opinion when they go all or nothing. With hard drugs thats prob necesary but not really doable with everyday copes. What you need to do is set limits. I had jerking off problem too. I was never into drinking or drugs but stroke sessions were my escape and my destress behaviour. Tried completely stopping watching porn but I would crater and then feel even worse. You need to get it out of your head slowly. That groove needs to be erased and forgotten. What I did was set limits to only watch porn one day a week (sunday) and only 3 sites (cornhub, xvideos, eporner). And also tried to get it over in under an hour. Those limitations made all the difference for me. You can still mastrubate without porn or have sex with gf because those are healthier forms of sexuality and don't devolve into degeneracy, but porn is something you have to limit. After limiting to once a week, then I would go for twice a month, any given sunday. If you fail you just go back to previous limitation. What you deem is doable for you at that time. Discipline is something that takes time to master. Takes few years but you eventually forget about porn. Because you not engaging your mind in that behaviour nonstop and you have limitations and mental safeguards, that groove starts to disapear. So that is mental strategy to deal with the monster. You can do it with other things to like alcohol. Instead of drinking everyday, just limit to weekend and only drink beer. Sooner you start the better. I'm sure you don't like feeling like a degenerate perverted loser.

 

[dissy]

i completely get you dude, id say it would be better to tell her man. because even though its going to be rough (i went through the same thing) its better than the guilt eating you from the inside out. and making you feel even shittier. after all, the only thing these secrets will do is drive you too further apart. so i say its better to tell your gf, and hopefully she'll understand and be there for you while you recover. wishing for the best man.