earlydecay
Zombified and lingering in limbo 💤🧟
- Jun 15, 2025
- 17
I struggle with bipolar disorder and I have an incredibly bad feeling about where I'm currently at in my mood cycling. I don't have a severe case, I've yet to be hospitalized or anything similar, and am only diagnosed with T1 due to the duration of my episodes. Due in part to that I enjoy being manic, usually, but this time around I'm dreading it to the point of actual fear because there are a few small details that are just.. off, and it all feels like a bad premonition.
The biggest of those is the fact that, nearly every time, I can't tell if/when I'm in an episode until it's either nearing the end or fully over. The only cases in which I'm aware I'm manic before it's over is when one specific person I'm close with considers it safe to point out to me -- even if I get a suspicion or a hint during an episode I tend to just ignore it.
So, the fact that I've had a bad feeling about it for at least a week and am now picking up on the subtle signs and behaviours of mine that I've had pointed out to me before the episode has actually set in is, to me at least, a really bad sign. It had to have been a steep and sudden spike if I managed to pick up on it, which is worrying to me because I currently feel normal-ish but I know this is definitely not how I was about a week ago. And I don't recall the last time (if ever) that my mania has been so blatantly paired with a negative mental state.
And to make matters worse, I'm currently off my mood stabilizers, and had to do so cold turkey because my doctor and pharmacists fucked up their communication and have not renewed my prescription! LOL!
I've been doing my best to set up my own little guardrails and scheduled check-ins with myself for the next month or so but I don't know what else to do to mitigate the damage in advance. I'm unable to see or reach my therapist more than every three-ish weeks, I don't have anyone to rely on or to keep tabs on me except myself, and at this point I think I'd struggle to put my trust in anyone else anyway. I'm genuinely a little bit scared of all of this and I don't know what to do. I don't like being aware of it, I don't like dreading every single day, I don't like that I have no control over it. I don't like that I'm so agitated and wound up and scared, I don't like that I have to be so careful with how I'm acting and speaking with friends and the guy that I like, I don't like that I'm constantly having to talk myself down from overreacting to something any of them say that sets me off, I don't like that I can't sleep or eat or think, I don't want to put those around me through this and have to watch it happen knowing why, and I'm even more scared cus I don't know how long it'll last or how bad it's going to get if this is just a week or two in.
I'm so tired and so upset and so all over the place that it's making me the most suicidal I've been all year, which given how the year has gone so far, is quite a lot. I'ts been on my mind constantly and it's upsetting. I'm alexithymic and feel emotions very muted in most cases and I've been feeling so much more strongly than I'm used to that I broke down crying in the shower yesterday for no reason. I feel like I'm grieving in advance for what I know will and what I'm scared might happen.
The biggest of those is the fact that, nearly every time, I can't tell if/when I'm in an episode until it's either nearing the end or fully over. The only cases in which I'm aware I'm manic before it's over is when one specific person I'm close with considers it safe to point out to me -- even if I get a suspicion or a hint during an episode I tend to just ignore it.
So, the fact that I've had a bad feeling about it for at least a week and am now picking up on the subtle signs and behaviours of mine that I've had pointed out to me before the episode has actually set in is, to me at least, a really bad sign. It had to have been a steep and sudden spike if I managed to pick up on it, which is worrying to me because I currently feel normal-ish but I know this is definitely not how I was about a week ago. And I don't recall the last time (if ever) that my mania has been so blatantly paired with a negative mental state.
And to make matters worse, I'm currently off my mood stabilizers, and had to do so cold turkey because my doctor and pharmacists fucked up their communication and have not renewed my prescription! LOL!
I've been doing my best to set up my own little guardrails and scheduled check-ins with myself for the next month or so but I don't know what else to do to mitigate the damage in advance. I'm unable to see or reach my therapist more than every three-ish weeks, I don't have anyone to rely on or to keep tabs on me except myself, and at this point I think I'd struggle to put my trust in anyone else anyway. I'm genuinely a little bit scared of all of this and I don't know what to do. I don't like being aware of it, I don't like dreading every single day, I don't like that I have no control over it. I don't like that I'm so agitated and wound up and scared, I don't like that I have to be so careful with how I'm acting and speaking with friends and the guy that I like, I don't like that I'm constantly having to talk myself down from overreacting to something any of them say that sets me off, I don't like that I can't sleep or eat or think, I don't want to put those around me through this and have to watch it happen knowing why, and I'm even more scared cus I don't know how long it'll last or how bad it's going to get if this is just a week or two in.
I'm so tired and so upset and so all over the place that it's making me the most suicidal I've been all year, which given how the year has gone so far, is quite a lot. I'ts been on my mind constantly and it's upsetting. I'm alexithymic and feel emotions very muted in most cases and I've been feeling so much more strongly than I'm used to that I broke down crying in the shower yesterday for no reason. I feel like I'm grieving in advance for what I know will and what I'm scared might happen.
