Venting Do you ever want to be abused?

[halleyscomet]

I know it sounds incredibly illogical, and it is - but I want to be abused so badly it causes me to ctb. I have been abused many times in the past, neglected, sexually, emotionally - but it's never enough to push me over the edge. I want nothing more then to die, but I can't bring myself to go through with it because of this false sense of hope that si gives me. I need something so horrifically terrible to happen to me, that it pushes me over the edge.

I know I sound insane, and I probably am, but I can't see any other way that ctb would be accessible to me. I'm constantly changing my mind about whether I should ctb or not, despite the fact that I am so deeply unhappy and miserable. I have this little bit of fear and hope stuck and I need to find a way to get rid of it, and I feel like a trauma that is so severe would do the trick.

I feel like I deserve the pain, the pain feels somewhat soothing in a fucked up way. When bad shit happens it makes me feel valid, being sick is my normalcy but no matter how sick I get it's never enough. I just want to get incredibly ill that I cannot be saved, or so beaten down and abused that I have no choice but to ctb.

I'm vulnerable and lonely, I know I'm unwell and I know I'm thinking irrationally. But I just wish so badly someone would ruin me, I want to be of use, I want to be valid, I want to be dead. I am so tempted to wonder off through the streets tonight and see what happens, I don't live in the nicest area. Maybe I'll get shitfaced and wonder off alone and see if someone will just kill me. Maybe I'll run across the motorway and hope I'll get hit. I don't know I just need to be hurt.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Of course not. I want to suffer less, not more. I'm already suffering more than enough and I want to avoid my suffering no matter what. I want to avoid any and all suffering

 

[divinemistress36]

Do you have someone who could do bdsm stuff with?

 

[halleyscomet]

Do you have someone who could do bdsm stuff with?

Yes, but he also raped me the last time I saw him so I don't know if it's a good idea to see him. It's not a kinky thing though, it doesn't arouse me, I'm not sure I just really want to be hurt. I need someone to push me to ctb.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes, but he also raped me the last time I saw him so I don't know if it's a good idea to see him. It's not a kinky thing though, it doesn't arouse me, I'm not sure I just really want to be hurt. I need someone to push me to ctb.

Please stay away from him

 

[Optimu$]

Yes, but he also raped me the last time I saw him so I don't know if it's a good idea to see him. It's not a kinky thing though, it doesn't arouse me, I'm not sure I just really want to be hurt. I need someone to push me to ctb.

@halleyscomet Report him and maybe that'll be gratifying enough to you and womankind. His actions don't deserve appraisal no matter how shit you feel in life.

Please stay away from him

I don't normally condone violence but if like your avatar you happen to have a sharp sword or a wish for a good blood eagle then knock yourself out. @divinemistress36

 

[halleyscomet]

Please stay away from him

It's hard to. Ever since it happened I've been oddly obsessed with him, I have no idea why. I just crave him more than ever. But I'm in such an unstable and delusional state I think he's like a god it's so strange. I wonder if he would push me to ctb if I asked, might be worth a try I'm feeling pretty desperate.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I kind of understand how you feel. I feel calm when I cut myself, seeing the blood flowing out calms my nerves.
But also recently I've been craving to feel an unbearable amount of despair, that I felt before. I know it's weird but I feel like I crave it, like it's a drug or something. I want to feel something so heavy that I can hardly breathe.
I know it won't help to tell you this, but do you feel somewhat similar?

 

[halleyscomet]

Wow is that some dark fantasy or are you serious? @sserafim


@halleyscomet Report him and maybe that'll be gratifying enough to you and womankind. His actions don't deserve appraisal no matter how shit you feel in life.

It's not that simple, I have no proof and I don't want to ruin his life I kind of love him in some fucked up way.

I kind of understand how you feel. I feel calm when I cut myself, seeing the blood flowing out calms my nerves.
But also recently I've been craving to feel an unbearable amount of despair, that I felt before. I know it's weird but I feel like I crave it, like it's a drug or something. I want to feel something so heavy that I can hardly breathe.
I know it won't help to tell you this, but do you feel somewhat similar?

Yes this is exactly it.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

It's hard to. Ever since it happened I've been oddly obsessed with him, I have no idea why. I just crave him more than ever. But I'm in such an unstable and delusional state I think he's like a god it's so strange. I wonder if he would push me to ctb if I asked, might be worth a try I'm feeling pretty desperate.

I know how you feel, but rapists don't care for how the person they are raping feels, so he might not be willing to push you to ctb because it's for your benefit in a way?

 

[halleyscomet]

I know how you feel, but rapists don't care for how the person they are raping feels, so he might not be willing to push you to ctb because it's for your benefit in a way?

Probably not, but I don't know I'm pretty desperate I might give it a go.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I just don't want you to die in a painful way. You probably don't care about yourself, it's just that I have been sexually harassed by a pedo before, so I don't want anyone to suffer under rapists'/ perverted peoples' hands. Although, the situation is not quite similar and I understand your feeling of wanting the abuse.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I have found myself fantasizing about being abused, raped, and murder before. The idea of being in a situation where I was being harmed appealed to me quite a bit due to some issues that I am still dealing with. I'm stilling trying to work on getting rid of those desires. I willing put myself in uncomfortable situations online for men because of my wanting to be desired and because I wanted to harm myself. I didn't care too much about the pain and I would put myself in situations that ended with me feeling oddly violated and disgusted with my own body despite them never having done anything physical to me just to satisfy my own sick desires (I'm a pretty weak person, so it didn't take a lot for it drain me emotionally, lol). I completely loathed myself and I still do, but I'm just more willing to work on that. I guess for me, those desires may also have stemmed from my self-loathing and urge to find ways to validate the pain I was in.


Off topic, I'm craving a burgers really badly right now...

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I have never actively fantasised about it, but I think it would be an interesting experience. My apologies if that sounds insensitive.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I get the desire to have no hope left, have definitely been there before. But personally I like the fact of suicide being my choice at the end of the day and not the result of things others do to me. Hope tends to ebb and flow in life and when it's down is when people go through with it, but I want to be in clear mind when I ctb like it's any regular day.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

No.

I was abused by my parents and I've been in abusive relationships as well. I just want someone to genuinely show compassion to me even after they find out about who I truly am.

 

[lostinwoe]

wtf even is this site at this point

 

[Lady Laudanum]

wtf even is this site at this point

Who said mental illness makes people think rationally?

 

[lostinwoe]

Who said mental illness makes people think rationally?

ig, I just didn't expect to see rape fantasies on a site abt suicide

 

[Lady Laudanum]

ig, I just didn't expect to see rape fantasies on a site abt suicide

I'm gonna be honest, it feels kinda like a slap in the face for me after the experiences I've been through. I know that I'm probably being overly sensitive, but I'm just being honest about how I feel.

 

[Malaria]

When I feel incredibly self loathing, I sometimes feel this way

 

[anhedonya]

I'm sorry for some of the responses you've gotten. I've been where you are and I know many people who have gone through the same thing. It's a trauma response following difficult events to go one of two ways which are both very common: lean towards seeking more pain as a form of self harm or lean away from human contact all together. Hence how you get hyper sexual and sex aversion, for example.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way. You should not feel shame. Every survivor of horrible events reacts differently and we can't pretend one way is more "morally" correct just because it doesn't fit what WE would do.

I wish you the best. I hope you can recover from what happened to you. Please, please, please understand nothing that has happened to you is your fault and even if you SOUGHT pain out and waited for someone to abuse you and tried to find people with those toxic traits- it still would never mean you deserved any of it. People should treat others with kindness, period. You deserved better and still do.

 

[Malaria]

I'm sorry for some of the responses you've gotten. I've been where you are and I know many people who have gone through the same thing. It's a trauma response following difficult events to go one of two ways which are both very common: lean towards seeking more pain as a form of self harm or lean away from human contact all together. Hence how you get hyper sexual and sex aversion, for example.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way. You should not feel shame. Every survivor of horrible events reacts differently and we can't pretend one way is more "morally" correct just because it doesn't fit what WE would do.

I wish you the best. I hope you can recover from what happened to you. Please, please, please understand nothing that has happened to you is your fault and even if you SOUGHT pain out and waited for someone to abuse you and tried to find people with those toxic traits- it still would never mean you deserved any of it. People should treat others with kindness, period. You deserved better and still do.

I was thinking this exact same thing, but I wasn't sure how to explain it. You've articulated it better than I ever could.

 

[anhedonya]

I was thinking this exact same thing, but I wasn't sure how to explain it. You've articulated it better than I ever could.

Aww don't discount yourself, I've seen you around and your compassion is appreciated- you make sure people know that they are not alone. That's very valuable too.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm sorry for some of the responses you've gotten. I've been where you are and I know many people who have gone through the same thing. It's a trauma response following difficult events to go one of two ways which are both very common: lean towards seeking more pain as a form of self harm or lean away from human contact all together. Hence how you get hyper sexual and sex aversion, for example.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way. You should not feel shame. Every survivor of horrible events reacts differently and we can't pretend one way is more "morally" correct just because it doesn't fit what WE would do.

I wish you the best. I hope you can recover from what happened to you. Please, please, please understand nothing that has happened to you is your fault and even if you SOUGHT pain out and waited for someone to abuse you and tried to find people with those toxic traits- it still would never mean you deserved any of it. People should treat others with kindness, period. You deserved better and still do.

If this is addressed toward me, I'm not judging people for their responses to trauma, nor do I think this type of response to trauma is morally wrong by any means. However, I reserve the right to feel invalidated when people talk about how they sought out abusive people. I know that no one is purposely trying to invalidate me or anything like that. However, if I can't be honest about how I feel then there is no reason for me to be on this forum.

 

[anhedonya]

If this is addressed toward me, I'm not judging people for their responses to trauma, nor do I think this type of response to trauma is morally wrong by any means. However, I reserve the right to feel invalidated when people talk about how they sought out abusive people. I know that no one is purposely trying to invalidate me or anything like that. However, if I can't be honest about how I feel then there is no reason for me to be on this forum.

Hi, it was not but I understand how it may come off that way. I got off work almost 3 hours ago and the week has completely drained me so I'm not trying to add nuance in the same manner I usually would. The person you responded to and your response about the invalidation were, from my perspective, regarding ssera and what she said. I do not like what she said either and think it was in very poor taste in response to this post- and I understand why what she said would make you feel invalidated and grossed out, and generally uncomfortable. It was just a bad thing to say at all much less in this thread.

I do, however, think Halley has good reason to react the way she has to her situation if you are including her within your feeling of invalidness. If you were referring to her as well, which I'm unsure on, then I do think it's a bit harsh to state on the post itself. She was recently harmed and the guy who harmed her is still seeking her out to begin with, trying to talk about sexual things again. I know you have no way of knowing this without finding her older posts but it's true. So if you did mean to include her in your statement, I do find it harsh considering her circumstances. But no, I did not originally mean you.

 

[Skynights]

When I feel incredibly self loathing, I sometimes feel this way

I also self loath, but I don't think that for me being abused is the way to go. An instantaneous death is more than enough.

 

[Malaria]

I also self loath, but I don't think that for me being abused is the way to go. An instantaneous death is more than enough.

Fair enough. I often have thoughts that I either deserve to be harmed (hence why I tend to self harm), or that I should just die and the world would be better off without me. I also tend to self harm in a more psychological way, by either saying horrible things about myself, or purposefully looking up things that I know will upset me.

I should probably stop self harming, but I'm not sure how. It's a coping mechanism I've develop after years of being abused in various ways.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Hi, it was not but I understand how it may come off that way. I got off work almost 3 hours ago and the week has completely drained me so I'm not trying to add nuance in the same manner I usually would. The person you responded to and your response about the invalidation were, from my perspective, regarding ssera and what she said. I do not like what she said either and think it was in very poor taste in response to this post- and I understand why what she said would make you feel invalidated and grossed out, and generally uncomfortable. It was just a bad thing to say at all much less in this thread.

I do, however, think Halley has good reason to react the way she has to her situation if you are including her within your feeling of invalidness. If you were referring to her as well, which I'm unsure on, then I do think it's a bit harsh to state on the post itself. She was recently harmed and the guy who harmed her is still seeking her out to begin with, trying to talk about sexual things again. I know you have no way of knowing this without finding her older posts but it's true. So if you did mean to include her in your statement, I do find it harsh considering her circumstances. But no, I did not originally mean you.

I was referring to ssera, not Halley. I'm not the most articulate person and I apologize for not being 100% clear about who I was referring to.

Tbh, the way ssera said it felt the same as if someone came onto an eating disorder forum saying that they want to get anorexia and become a skinny legend.

 

[xinino]

No, I am man.