Christmas/New Year/Winter Holidays Check-In Megathread

[LastLoveLetter]

I struggle with holidays due to my chronic illnesses and Complex PTSD. It can be very isolating with no family, friends or loved ones to make these occasions more bearable.

I am sure many others here struggle with this season for their own reasons too. In addition, I am certain that I am not the only one whose suicidality increases even further during this time. I am fortunate to not be completely on my own this year, but I'm still finding it difficult. I am grateful for the slither of solace I have encountered on SS.

I wanted to start a check-in thread for those who find this time of year particularly challenging, isolating and painful. From now and throughout January, members are welcome to post how they feel, vent any pain or frustrations, share as much or as little as they like and have a mutually supportive space to check-in with others who also struggle during the festive period. You can post as much or as little as you like, or simply lurk and know there are others who share your sentiments.

You don't have to celebrate or observe Christmas and the New Year in order to participate. It's for anyone who is struggling, whether you find every year painful or specifically struggle with this year. You are welcome here.

 

[Julgran]

Thank you for being so attentive

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Just coming to do this - thanks Persephone for beating me to it!

It's such a tough time for so many and I'm especially worried about the craziness surrounding omicron right now. Funnily enough, not the omicron, but the craziness. It keeps so many people in isolation when they were just getting ready to be out, perhaps to do something to make themselves feel better.

The listening ears are here, everyone. Talk to us, cry with us, yell at us if you need. We're here.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It's excruciating… remembering better times… further proof things must end soon…

 

[LingeringUnreal]

Between family wasn't too bad but 6 year relationship ended just 2 days before Christmas so it just felt weird tbh...thankfully no one asked me where my engagement ring went. Still haven't fully processed any of that.

 

[MindFrog]

The holiday season has always been rough for me since I don't really have much people to spend it with.

Tho now it feels worse since my grandmother died.. It'll be my first Christmas without her. Everything reminds me of her and it kills me inside. I have been getting dreams about her more frequently these days. I would wake up crying so i haven't been sleeping much. I just miss her so much I guess.

But hey there's alcohol at least.

 

[tylerdurden]

I have some odd, empty feelings over the holidays. They mean nothing to me and I have never figured out why. I don't decorate my house, I don't put up a tree, nothing. I just want it to all be over as soon as it starts. I am sure it has something to do with my broken family, but have never been able to pinpoint it.

 

[Silenos]

I've been a hot mess for the past two days. I suppose it makes sense given that it's the first christmas in many years (or ever?) that I'm alone. I was invited to stay with my best friend but she lives pretty far away and I didn't have the spoons to go yet, so I'll head over there coming Thursday instead.

 

[Thankyoufortoday]

I have covid... I've been looking forward to seeing my family for months now. I did everything right... I'm vaxxed and boosted. But my holidays are ruined. I'm so alone, I didn't think things could get worse but here we are

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Christmas used to be a time of year when I got together with my family and had at least one good day out of the year. Then my mom passed away 5 years ago and other than 2 years ago, Christmas has just been a painful reminder of all that life has taken from me. This year was especially horrorible because what I had that was keeping me here is not only gone, but it took everything thing I had with it, physically, spirituality and mentally. I am just a completely broken person who is spiraling down fast and losing my mind in the process. I can't keep any relationships or stay emotionally stable for more than a very short time anymore and this Holiday just reminds me of all the loss of the past 5 years....I just want to not be anymore. Just
not
be.........

 

[Hirokami]

My father died around this time, so that's not easy. I'm also dealing with situations I didn't fucking ask for, but of course no one in my life bothers to ask me anything so fuck me.

 

[rottenteeth]

Sorry to hear of everyones suffering.I have mental disorders (depression, OCD, anxiety) that make every day literal hell on earth. I wish I could have gotten a new brain for christmas. Then I tortured myself by watching happy successful people. Why would I add salt to the wound?

 

[Marktheghost]

Lonely and struggling. Just trying not to think about the fact that it's Christmas and I'm missing out on so much happiness!

 

[greyautumnsky]

I thought Christmas would be horrible to be honest. But...

Someone posted they were giving away their old tree on FB a week before Christmas. They actually dropped it off and I didn't have to meet them the day before Christmas Eve. Son and I put it together and decorated it after walking to the thrift store for decorations.

We've spent the day cooking a recipe we've never tried. Everything from scratch. The broth, the dough, the sauce. It's taking us all weekend but we're doing something together that isn't movies or video games and we're learning a bunch of new skills together. It's been fun.

My parents and friends on FB bought my Son and I presents, and I managed to sign my Son up with two charity events in December so I was able to get him some things for under the tree.

It's been a good Christmas. Lots of panic attacks and crying in the weeks leading up to it. I've been going through it with my health (breast cancer, my heart has been giving me trouble from stress and I have a congenital heart defect, my husband of almost 10 years recently left me when he found out about the cancer, he even took the vehicles and my dog and disowned my Son... its been rough and that's not even all of it ugh). It's been nice to just have a nice day, and a nice holiday seeing my Son smile.

I usually dread Christmas. Last year my ex tore me apart because he didn't like the wallet I got him.

It's been a nice calm day. I haven't been to sleep yet... kind of scared that the day will end and what's good will be gone.
A few ago now my best friend was found dead on Christmas morning. Had a heart attack in the middle of wrapping presents. Her family found her that way. She herself was a cancer survivor.

To have my ex gone and to just have my Son and I here with a Christmas pulled out by the seat of my pants. I felt her there with me, in the calm. Even though things have been hard. And I miss her so much. I wanted to say that too. Because this is the first Christmas I've been able to feel happy in a while.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I thought Christmas would be horrible to be honest. But...

Someone posted they were giving away their old tree on FB a week before Christmas. They actually dropped it off and I didn't have to meet them the day before Christmas Eve. Son and I put it together and decorated it after walking to the thrift store for decorations.

We've spent the day cooking a recipe we've never tried. Everything from scratch. The broth, the dough, the sauce. It's taking us all weekend but we're doing something together that isn't movies or video games and we're learning a bunch of new skills together. It's been fun.

My parents and friends on FB bought my Son and I presents, and I managed to sign my Son up with two charity events in December so I was able to get him some things for under the tree.

It's been a good Christmas. Lots of panic attacks and crying in the weeks leading up to it. I've been going through it with my health (breast cancer, my heart has been giving me trouble from stress and I have a congenital heart defect, my husband of almost 10 years recently left me when he found out about the cancer, he even took the vehicles and my dog and disowned my Son... its been rough and that's not even all of it ugh). It's been nice to just have a nice day, and a nice holiday seeing my Son smile.

I usually dread Christmas. Last year my ex tore me apart because he didn't like the wallet I got him.

It's been a nice calm day. I haven't been to sleep yet... kind of scared that the day will end and what's good will be gone.
A few ago now my best friend was found dead on Christmas morning. Had a heart attack in the middle of wrapping presents. Her family found her that way. She herself was a cancer survivor.

To have my ex gone and to just have my Son and I here with a Christmas pulled out by the seat of my pants. I felt her there with me, in the calm. Even though things have been hard. And I miss her so much. I wanted to say that too. Because this is the first Christmas I've been able to feel happy in a while.

Thank you for sharing this. What you wrote was beautiful and it touched me deeply. I truly hope things get better for you. You definitely deserve it.

 

[ClownMe]

Didn't think Christmas would be so rough this year, really struggling and feeling really lonely, just need to try and get through the New Year without killing myself.

 

[Before26]

I don't think I'm going to make it another week, I'm struggling so hard and trying to live and get better for all my loved ones and my own potential. But I'm so lonely, and feel so in pain and have been fighting for so long that I'm running out of energy, I just want it all to stop.

 

[FuneralCry]

Christmas does not mean anything to me, it is just another day of suffering. As usual I am very tired of life. I think for me one of the main problems is that I lack the option of a peaceful/reliable exit and it is very difficult to ctb. My life is very empty, there is no reason to stay. As usual I try to distract myself but nothing ever makes me feel better. Being alive hurts me and everything just makes me feel worse.

 

[sasshimi]

I am utterly alone and bitter about this time of the year. All year round, I could've gone at any time. I really want to end all this mental turmoil, I'm sick of it all, I want to end me.

 

[Ryxn99]

I'm fortunate enough to be around my loving family for Christmas, and yet I've never felt so alone. I have no friends or any kind of relationship irl, my family are all I've got

 

[disillusionment]

It was my first Christmas without my sister, who passed away in October. I didn't see any of my family for Christmas and my boyfriend dumped me Christmas day. It has been rough overall.

Also I relate to your post a lot, the whole covering up abusing a kid by giving them a lot of presents. Thats something that causes me pain to remember. I always used to get overwhlemed and cry on Christmas day as a kid and I didnt really know why I'd cry when I had so many nice new toys and presents. I feel like it hurt even as a kid bc I'd still feel empty and sad but also happy about all the nice presents and attention from parents. It's hard as a kid when the abuser is also the one protecting you, caring for you, giving you nice presents etc.

Now as an adult it's still really hard, lots of triggering stuff comes up, and I cry a lot around Christmas still

 

[Marktheghost]

I've run out of milk now, just to make things even worse. And I bet the shop I normally buy it from is closed!

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you all for sharing.

I'm relieved the main hurdle is over, to be honest. Next, it's the New Year.

I received no gifts, no messages, no phone calls. The only people to acknowledge my existence are members of SS to be honest, and my boyfriend who is staying with me because I'm very unwell (I also contracted COVID-19 mere days before Christmas). Otherwise I would simply be forgotten and ignored.

The only solace is that there are members here who understand how painful holidays can be, especially for those of us who have mostly negative memories associated with them. The rest of the world would rather pretend we do not exist. I have encountered those who seem oddly offended by the idea that there are people who don't or can't enjoy the festivities. We're expected to put on a brave face, cheer up or fade into obscurity so that others don't feel uncomfortable.

And it seems that fading into obscurity is precisely what I have done. I'm grateful to at least be able to speak candidly here. And to be able to read other people's stories and experiences, even if I wish no-one had to struggle.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Bumping this thread since the New Year is approaching soon, in case anyone needs a space to talk about it.

 

[NormaJeane]

Hello dear members, I will be alone on New Year 2021 - 2022 because I disagree with my relatives and because I have lost contact with the friends I once had when I moved to another town. I am also isolated from people because of covid-19, I can become sick when I meet new people. I am not afraid of death, but not everyone dies of covid-19, some people only become chronically ill and I have enough of my sleeping problems. On the Internet, people write to me two or three times, then nothing more. However, civilization is the cause of loneliness. I have lived too long, everything in life will be bad when we live long enough and I never wanted to get old. I want to drink champagne tomorrow and then some sleeping pills. But I am glad that I have Sanctioned Suicide.

 

[Marktheghost]

It was my birthday on December 15. I've got a grand total of 1 birthday card and 2 christmas cards.
I did get 1 christmas present too.

 

[Noctis]

This holiday season has been especially shit. My wife is very close with her family, which is fine. But I've been no contact with my parents for a couple years now. My mother-in-law has always disliked my no contact, but she's been especially adamant about it this year. She keeps asking me to invite them over, or send them presents, or call them to tell them Merry Christmas because I should be able to look past everything because it's family and Jesus's birthday.

My parents don't know where I live. I'm not about to do anything that would change that.

But the real kicker? My lovely grandmother is in the hospital dying with both my shitheel parents at her side. So, I can either say goodbye to her properly, or I can keep my parents out of my life, but not both.

Sorry, I know this is so very minor compared to what many others are going through. I just wanted to vent.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I was supposed to be visiting family over Christmas but they cancelled it because of COVID. I've not spoken to another human being in real life for over a week now, apart from pleasantries with the supermarket checkout person.

I decided to make my own fun on Christmas day and used the money I would have spent on travel and Christmas things and put it towards an Oculus Quest 2 VR headset instead. I thought it would be really interesting to try it with some LSD that I bought recently for the purposes of spiritual introspection (perhaps even discover some reasons to carry on living).

The spiritual introspection bit didn't really happen though. I only took half of one tab and even found that to be way too strong. It will be different next time, now I know what to expect, but I struggled to surrender to the effects of it. It was sometimes like I was fighting to stay grounded in reality because I was scared of what was on the other side. I went for some fresh air at one point and, in the dark, I thought a man in a big coat walking towards me was Robocop coming after me for some reason. I got really scared by that and ran home.

However, I did end up having an amazing time. I found a Christmas day virtual reality rave in a virtual castle where I danced for about three hours and met some really lovely people who I later connected with on social media. It's a bit weird at first, when you exist as a cartoon-like avatar, but it starts to feel normal after a while. I'm just overall blown away by the technology. I tried VR a few years ago and it was rubbish but now you actually feel like you're there, dancing in a virtual castle with your new avatar friends on Christmas day. I think I spent about an hour flying around the castle just staring and marvelling at the photo realistic statues and fixtures. Marvelling at the entire situation actually.

I think there's something quite special happening in the VR world at the moment. The early adopters are really open to connecting and making new friends, socially and even professionally. It's almost like the wild-west chat rooms of the early internet where just the novelty of it was something to chat to a stranger in another country about. But there's all kind of fun and interesting things going on too - meditation groups, open-mic nights, support groups for things like autism and ADHD, addiction and disabilities, movie watching (in virtual cinemas), party events, VR developer classes, fitness classes, card games, language exchage groups... and so on. All free and open to anyone.

Obviously it's not a substitute for real human connection but it definitely makes being completely alone more bearable.

Picture of the rave, before it got busy :)

 

[S like suicide]

I was supposed to be visiting family over Christmas but they cancelled it because of COVID. I've not spoken to another human being in real life for over a week now, apart from pleasantries with the supermarket checkout person.

I decided to make my own fun on Christmas day and used the money I would have spent on travel and Christmas things and put it towards an Oculus Quest 2 VR headset instead. I thought it would be really interesting to try it with some LSD that I bought recently for the purposes of spiritual introspection (perhaps even discover some reasons to carry on living).

The spiritual introspection bit didn't really happen though. I only took half of one tab and even found that to be way too strong. It will be different next time, now I know what to expect, but I struggled to surrender to the effects of it. It was sometimes like I was fighting to stay grounded in reality because I was scared of what was on the other side. I went for some fresh air at one point and, in the dark, I thought a man in a big coat walking towards me was Robocop coming after me for some reason. I got really scared by that and ran home.

However, I did end up having an amazing time. I found a Christmas day virtual reality rave in a virtual castle where I danced for about three hours and met some really lovely people who I later connected with on social media. It's a bit weird at first, when you exist as a cartoon-like avatar, but it starts to feel normal after a while. I'm just overall blown away by the technology. I tried VR a few years ago and it was rubbish but now you actually feel like you're there, dancing in a virtual castle with your new avatar friends on Christmas day. I think I spent about an hour flying around the castle just staring and marvelling at the photo realistic statues and fixtures. Marvelling at the entire situation actually.

I think there's something quite special happening in the VR world at the moment. The early adopters are really open to connecting and making new friends, socially and even professionally. It's almost like the wild-west chat rooms of the early internet where just the novelty of it was something to chat to a stranger in another country about. But there's all kind of fun and interesting things going on too - meditation groups, open-mic nights, support groups for things like autism and ADHD, addiction and disabilities, movie watching (in virtual cinemas), party events, VR developer classes, fitness classes, card games, language exchage groups... and so on. All free and open to anyone.

Obviously it's not a substitute for real human connection but it definitely makes being completely alone more bearable.

Picture of the rave, before it got busy :)

Seems so cool!!!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Christmas was mostly a bore for me but at least I got to try eggnog recently outside of Starbucks lattes which they don't even have this year.

New Year's is actually gonna be a little exciting for me because I can finally have a resolution that isn't my usual one. My usual resolution is always to "Find a better New Year's resolution next year." However! Since 2022 will be the year I carry out my CTB then that has now become my new resolution and by doing so I have the added bonus of actually completing my 2021 resolution because this is a way better resolution than last year's.