Christmas/New Year/Winter Holidays Check-In Megathread

[mlha]

I had my birthday few days before Christmas and my mom genuinely wished me something which I know can't be fulfilled. It made me feel bad, well, it made me cry when I went to sleep. But right now I feel kinda ok, I pass the time between holidays by playing video games which I bought few months ago.

 

[S like Siren]

For me as I have already said many times all celebrations are very painful because I am a lonely person with no one and I have a shit family which is one of the biggest causes of my depression.Every time for me Christmas, my birthday and others holidays are a very painful torture precisely because I love celebrations but I have no one to share them with.This Christmas was very lonely ... I was with my family but it is like being alone with them, we ate for dinner and there was a very uncomfortable silence like a funeral. Usually the only thing I do during the holidays is to eat sweets and watch the animated films that every year during the holidays they put on television, yes, I'm still very childish but at least they make me feel less alone.But after Christmas my mother started to stress me and want to argue with me (For her, depression doesn't exist, she denies it all the time) and she made me feel very bad for days ... and today I'm really shit ... thanks to her I am about to start the new year in the middle of a depressive crisis, I feel extremely weak and I am tormented every second by powerful suicidal thoughts ... I hate her, she enjoys my suffering and has ruined my life as it ruins everything.I hate everything and I feel like throwing up .... while I cried all my tears of blood:(

 

[neitherherenorthere]

I'm sorry for wasting space in this thread but it feels less intrusive to post on a preexisting thread than to create a new one.

New Year's is generally the worst time of year for me. Not because it's a holiday. Just because it's a reminder that I've lived for another year feeling like this and being a useless parasite.

I'm so sick of this. I just want this to end, but I'm too tired to make that happen. There are things I need to wrap up before I go but I'm too tired to do any of that either. By the time I have the energy to do any of these things it'll be spring again and in all likelihood I'll start feeling better enough that I won't actively want to die anymore. It's an unrelenting cycle in which I have no agency. I have a desire but lack the means. Then I have the means but no longer have the desire. It's unbearable, but then becomes ever so slightly better enough that I can hang in there for a while. Then everything gets bad again, and rinse and repeat.

Everything is so overwhelming right now. I constantly feel like I want to throw up. The only things keeping me going are alcohol, benzos, and watching other people play videogames. I don't even have the energy to play games myself right now.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, I'm sorry. I guess I just need to vent a little.





Sending good vibes to everyone during this miserable time of year. Hopefully the worst of the holidays is over for you. You should all be proud that you made it this far. I hope this doesn't sound sarcastic, it's my genuine sentiment and I truly hope that everything starts looking up for you all in the new year.

 

[noname223]

I am so fucking scared about tomorrow. I am invited at a party with my friends. The last New Years party was horrible 2 years ago. I was fired some weeks before and had a mixed-manic episode. This was so insane. 2 girlfriends of my friends were invited. I was so fucking jealous I have/ had no gf despite the fact I have a strong desire for that.
Tomorrow I will see my best friend cuddling, hugging and kissing with his gf. This will break my heart. I am so resentful and bitter.

Moreover I will spend the night at the apartment of my dad. I won't have a wireless internet connection despite the fact I am pretty much an internet addict. And I am in an emotional need for this forum.

 

[Crazy4u]

2022 will be the first year with NO GOALS. I used to create a small list of 3-6 goals each year to motivate myself. Not anymore.

 

[eternalpeace]

For some reason, this holiday season isn't quite as bleak as usual. I have planned my exit for February, and I just feel numb. I'll be faking ,y way through New Years with the family, and then focusing on tying up the remaining loose ends. I do hate going through the facade of New Years, when I know there is no hope that my life will ever get better, but I have finally accepted that fact, and maybe that's why this year isn't as awful as some.

 

[freeziepop98]

merry christmas everyone

 

[MatthewV3]

Christmas 2022, I'm here.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Here, unfortunately. Hopefully my last xmas alive, though.

 

[Wannagonow]

Here. Not doing anything Christmas. Today is my dog's birthday, so giving her lots of treats, toys and attention gives me something fun to focus on. (I know, weird and pathetic).

 

[Dot]

Jst t/ bmp ths thred as = tht tme agn

 

[hopelessoceanic25]

Lost my father around this time of year. He passed away on Dec 4th, exactly three weeks before Christmas. Holidays haven't been the same for me ever since 2014.

I was 16 when I lost him. My world was shattered, and it hasn't been fixed ever since.

 

[f1f7y8yoL053r]

My mother passed last year on Nov. 11 from Covid-Flu, her bday was 10/23; my bday was yesterday. (Dec. 1st) Nothing to celebrate and it just gets worse from here. I'm not planning on greeting 2024. Going out with a bang NYE at the end of the big ball-drop count-down. This is my last month.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

This is my first Christmas alone. I'm not okay with it, but how I feel hasn't really mattered this year. My family wants a Christmas list from me but I don't want anything. Normally my tree would be up right after thanksgiving. Not this year because I don't feel like celebrating.

 

[hellispink]

Christmas is just a a psychological game ro buy things we dont need and increase profit for the rich, while the hypocrites families reunite and spend their money on fakeness material things which contributes to a more capitalist consumer driven society. Real things real feelings dont matter this month. It also puts psychological pressure to people that they feel they need to be with or like the "others". Cancel this stupid holidays already

 

[doomdoll]

just found out my birth family had been lying to me about essentially everything in an attempt for me to come back home for the holidays. feeling embarrassed foolish and done. christmas has never been fun and now it's like a sick joke mocking me for being alone. why am i here

 

[Cloud Busting]

just found out my birth family had been lying to me about essentially everything in an attempt for me to come back home for the holidays. feeling embarrassed foolish and done. christmas has never been fun and now it's like a sick joke mocking me for being alone. why am i here

I'm so sorry that happened to you. The amount of family drama and social pressure this time of year is why I always look forward to its ending.

I used up most of my savings and have a lot of medical debt, so I cannot afford to buy people presents. It makes me feel like a loser. I'm just being gentle with myself cuz it's natural to feel down and I know it will pass. :)

I'm celebrating the winter solstice tomorrow! I'm hoping that will lift my spirits up.

Going to bake and remember this shit is over soon. I keep thinking about suicide, but I remind myself this season is temporary. I feel lonely and drained. December is my least favorite month. I can't wait for this shit to be over.

I lost my aunt in October and my father in November (12 and 19 years ago respectively.) December is a gloomy month.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I went to the winter solstice service and felt hollow and empty.

Everything in life feels hollow and empty.

I'm going to church with a bunch of lovely people, I'm baking cookies tomorrow, and I'm spending time with my sister and her boyfriend at a party. It means nothing. Going through the motions essentially.

I feel so numb. I don't know if it's the season or what.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Winter and the holidays have never been a friend of mine. But finding out your best friend is lying and talking really bad behind your back the evening before Christmas really truly sucks. I feel incredibly hurt and stupid.

 

[alivefornow]

My birthday is on the 29th. I always feel especially down this time of the year. I've been taking my meds but my depression is very strong and I still want to die. I feel trapped in life. At this point death would be a gift.

 

[Disappointered]

I hate xmas. I probably hate new year's eve even more. i wish i could be more numb than i already am. i just want to finally die, in my sleep, by my own hand, or with medical assistance. i just hate everything.

 

[Unattainable666]

Thank you for being so compassionate and setting this up. I feel as if I am dying of loneliness. I miss my Dad and my little girl so much - they both loved me as I loved them. Now I've bee dying of loneliness - it's a slow and agonizing death. I wish you all whatever peace you can obtain. My heart goes out to all the people on this site who are suffering from loneliness. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

 

[huphup]

An old childhood friend asked to hangout and have an overnight trip. He would invite his sister and cousin. We had such good times together as kids, but I feel like such a loser because all I've been doing is just sitting at home, not even going to school anymore. I also don't want to have to come out to them, but feel like I'll eventually have to once they ask about relationships and that shit.

Thankfully I have COVID still so I don't have to go, but this has made me realize how much I love being by myself and just don't like being around others like I used to. Something is pretty fucked up with me

 

[unfixable]

Haven't slept much in 5 days, with zero minutes of sleep in the last 24 hours. Oh yeah bring on the 4 or 5 Christmas events my family thinks I will be able to go to. Sure... FML

 

[HouseofMortok]

Partners going her families for the day. Tempted to tourniquet tomorrow while I'll have free time alone.

 

[Dot]

Jst bumpng thred as remindr of xistnce as r comng in2 Decmbr

 

[avoid_slow_death]

This is probably the worst holiday season yet. No family to spend it with, no friends to either. Our Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I don't even have somewhere to go. Even worse, just got fired last week, so yeah. That on top of all this. I swear life is screaming for me to ctb. The message can't be any more clear that I am invisible, unwanted and useless.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

thank you for making this. very mindful. very thoughtful for us to have a space to vent during this wretched time.

this time really reminds me how alone I am in the world as I am quite literally an orphan. my bio parents are dead and I never knew them. every other caretaker was an abuser or is also dead.

I feel it starting, hearing about people having "friendsgiving" and wondering why i'm seemingly not good enough to get invited to one over many years. I don't have anywhere to go thursday…. it's utterly shit feeling. christmas is worse. it's hard to turn off social media and seeing family shit makes me mentally crazy.

I was hoping to be out of here by now, but I still have things I -have- to do. fucking hell.

 

[savory]

I feel ambivalent, generally 'meh'. Kinda relieved having the house to myself while everyone else gathers elsewhere. I think most of all I feel bummed seeing decorations in stores and others being festive. It can make me feel mournful not having a successful relationship and cohabitating. Decorating and cooking together, getting each other gifts. Making our own traditions. I've tried celebrating solo. Depressing shit.

The advertisements and Christmas music can fuck off though. But easy to avoid much of it while in hermit mode. Then there's global warming. Falls practically become extinct, my favorite season. And I doubt it will snow much if at all this winter. I miss sledding and watching snow fall at night.

 

[savory]

This is probably the worst holiday season yet. No family to spend it with, no friends to either. Our Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I don't even have somewhere to go. Even worse, just got fired last week, so yeah. That on top of all this. I swear life is screaming for me to ctb. The message can't be any more clear that I am invisible, unwanted and useless.

I'm sorry to hear you got fired in addition to everything else. Universe just couldn't resist being a butthole apparently. I got let go earlier this year. I'm spending holidays alone as well though admittedly out of choice, because I feel like scum.

thank you for making this. very mindful. very thoughtful for us to have a space to vent during this wretched time.

this time really reminds me how alone I am in the world as I am quite literally an orphan. my bio parents are dead and I never knew them. every other caretaker was an abuser or is also dead.

I feel it starting, hearing about people having "friendsgiving" and wondering why i'm seemingly not good enough to get invited to one over many years. I don't have anywhere to go thursday…. it's utterly shit feeling. christmas is worse. it's hard to turn off social media and seeing family shit makes me mentally crazy.

I was hoping to be out of here by now, but I still have things I -have- to do. fucking hell.

First time I've heard of "Friendsgiving", lovely. Thought 'finding your tribe' was irritating enough. I'm sure I'll be on here Thursday. We should have an SSgiving. If only a kindly benefactor would appear and pass out goodies, N for all lol