Even if I never CTB, I'm glad death is still an inevitability

[Malaria]

Just something I've been thinking about.

So a bit of info about me. I've struggled with suicidal ideation and attempts for about seventeen years. The desires never truly go away, even on "good" days. I'm at a point as of this post where I'm unsure if I'm ever going to truly go through with suicide, which frustrates me a little. It's frustrating that I can't bring myself to do it even after attempting so many times and even after having ideation for many years.

But one thing that does bring me comfort is that, in spite of me ending up not CTB'ing, death is still a guarantee. I'm glad that I'm going to die regardless, that we all die regardless if we do so by our own hand or not. It's unfortunate that there's no real way of knowing if my death will be miserable or peaceful, but I'm glad I will eventually die one day, whether it's because of an accident, terminal illness, old age, or any other reason. The fact that death is one of the few gurantees in life actually comforts me, I'm not afraid or bothered by it. It makes me happy that one day all of this will be over. I don't relate to people who want to be immortal at all, I personally am glad I'm going to die anyway even if it's not because of suicide.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out with this. Not sure if anyone else feels this way.

 

[iloverachel]

17 years sounds like a very long time to be suicidal, I am sorry you suffered for so long

I agree that knowing i will die one day brings me peace of mind. But it still feels like a very long time, at least 4-5 decades unless I CTB

 

[ShonenRider96]

Just something I've been thinking about.

So a bit of info about me. I've struggled with suicidal ideation and attempts for about seventeen years. The desires never truly go away, even on "good" days. I'm at a point as of this post where I'm unsure if I'm ever going to truly go through with suicide, which frustrates me a little. It's frustrating that I can't bring myself to do it even after attempting so many times and even after having ideation for many years.

But one thing that does bring me comfort is that, in spite of me ending up not CTB'ing, death is still a guarantee. I'm glad that I'm going to die regardless, that we all die regardless if we do so by our own hand or not. It's unfortunate that there's no real way of knowing if my death will be miserable or peaceful, but I'm glad I will eventually die one day, whether it's because of an accident, terminal illness, old age, or any other reason. The fact that death is one of the few gurantees in life actually comforts me, I'm not afraid or bothered by it. It makes me happy that one day all of this will be over. I don't relate to people who want to be immortal at all, I personally am glad I'm going to die anyway even if it's not because of suicide.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out with this. Not sure if anyone else feels this way.

I agree. Knowing that its never going to be forever, that it can and WILL end no matter how painful it gets is a soothing thought.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yeah, but what kind of death is the "natural" death going to be? Very few people are lucky enough to die in their sleep, or have any other kind of "peaceful" death. Usually, there's a long period of suffering preceding a "natural" death, lasting from months to even years.

 

[untothedepths]

No longer fearing the uncertainty death is, I agree, although suffering feels like pinching that itch to CTB.

 

[Dymphna]

I feel the same way; I was actually just thinking about this a bit earlier. Reminding myself that death is guaranteed helps me get through some of my strongest impulses.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I relate a bit to what you're saying.
I don't feel capable of CTB either, but at the same time, it reassures me to think that I'll leave this world at some point. Besides, my chances of having an accident are relatively "high" because I live in the third world.
Although, sometimes I wish the whole process were controlled, meaning that I have the option to choose when I want to leave. Unfortunately, being in an environment where I feel obligated to "contribute" to society, mainly my family, makes my plans never come true.
For me, everything would be easier if I were as free as a bird...

 

[UKscotty]

I'm not sure death is inevitable anymore.

For people alive today under 30, they will very likely have significant life spans. Genetics and medicine will have stopped aging within 30 years.

 

[divinemistress36]

Being 36 and already disabled I can't imagine being this way in old age

 

[Malaria]

I'm not sure death is inevitable anymore.

For people alive today under 30, they will very likely have significant life spans. Genetics and medicine will have stopped aging within 30 years.

I have heard that there are movements trying to work towards immortality as well. It's fascinating for sure, I'm curious whether or not it'll actually work.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Very true. I try to reassure myself with that too- at least we're not immortal (hopefully.) I find it weird that an eternity anywhere- even in heaven is seen as some kind of reward. I'm hoping there will be nothing. I'm done with living.

 

[depressedカリちゃん]

One user recently said that flirting with death might never go away. I think that's the case for me. I also have this for my whole life. But I definitely had not the worst childhood. Maybe I'm week or my brain is just damaged to think this way. I should accept that

 

[Agon321]

Yes, there's something comforting about that.
I like to comfort myself that all problems don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Sooner or later my body will be dinner for worms or whatever.
The issue of soul/consciousness is a more complicated topic.

 

[Raindancer]

I too do not understand those who want to live forever. I have never felt comfortable here so I am looking forward to going home.

 

[Linda]

I have no wish at all to be immortal, and I'll be glad when this is all over, but (as I have said before) I'm under no pressure to ctb right now.

My last surviving cat died this morning. It was expected. We buried him under a walnut tree, facing east so he can always see the sunrise. This house is now without any cats for the first time in probably 40 years or more. It doesn't feel right and I don't like it.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Death is my girlfriend. She's only available when I am not

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I find comfort in that too. It'd be a living hell if we were immortal

I'm not sure death is inevitable anymore.

For people alive today under 30, they will very likely have significant life spans. Genetics and medicine will have stopped aging within 30 years.

I'm scared of this coming into fruition. Do you think that society would force as much people as they can to take this soon to be anti aging medicine and genetics?

 

[Ambivalent1]

I find comfort in that too. It'd be a living hell if we were immortal

I'm scared of this coming into fruition. Do you think that society would force as much people as they can to take this soon to be anti aging medicine and genetics?

I want to experience being engulfed by the sun in a billion years.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I want to experience being engulfed by the sun in a billion years.

"Well, of course you do! If you don't, you have a mental illness because doesn't everybody want to live up to that point!" - a pro lifer, probably

 

[Ambivalent1]

"Well, of course you do! If you don't, you have a mental illness because doesn't everybody want to live up to that point!" - a pro lifer, probably

"It's better to reign in Hell (burned by the sun) than to serve in Heaven"

 

[sserafim]

"It's better to reign in Hell (burned by the sun) than to serve in Heaven"

Do you want to be like Icarus, who flew too close to the sun?

 

[Ambivalent1]

Do you want to be like Icarus, who flew too close to the sun?

No. I want to be like me who was engulfed by the sun

 

[sserafim]

No. I want to be like me who was engulfed by the sun

Don't play with fire; you'll get burned

 

[Ambivalent1]

Don't play with fire; you'll get burned

nom nom

 

[LunarLight]

I think the same way. It's comforting but at the same time, I'm afraid to die in excruciating pain. That's the main reason why I'm still alive, actually. If I were sure I would not suffer, I would have CTB'ed a long time ago.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, in my case I've always felt comforted by the thought of death. Permanently ceasing to exist is all I wish for, the only relief lies in how this meaningless, temporary yet so cruel existence will inevitably disappear into nothingness, being conscious and aware has only ever caused me to suffer. I'd also be glad to die, all that I see as desirable is the peace of an dreamless, eternal sleep, it sounds so peaceful to be completely unaware for all eternity.

 

[Malaria]

"Well, of course you do! If you don't, you have a mental illness because doesn't everybody want to live up to that point!" - a pro lifer, probably

There's a part of me that wonders what these people would think of Caitlin Doughty. She's a mortician on YouTube and is also part of the "death positivity" movement. I first learned about her through this video, but I love her own personal channel as well.

 

[Aplev]

Similar here. I had my first attempt almost 10 years ago (it will be 10 in December), but I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was an infant. For sure it wasn't as developed but I still thought a lot about death and the emptiness of the world and that kind of stuff, always wondered why while every other kid just wanted to play with cars or similar stuff but I still don't have a concrete answer, just theories. And it hasn't stopped ever since. Some people might say I am lucky because dealing with it since I was born I must have it easier in comparison to someone who experiences it at adult age and is not "used" to the feelings... but honestly, "used" to it? I am not sure that's the right way to put it. I know the feeling... but it probably hurts as much as the first time, so I am not sure "used" really counts.

So I got tired of trying and failing miserably (if I might say so myself), some might say I didn't even try but I know I did my best and still failed. Gotta get "used" to the mockery of other people? Maybe. But I am tired of failing. I've been taken to an asylum (which people and "family", those that were supposed to be my dearest and closest, of course said "it's not so bad why are you even complaining you weren't in that long anyway" but I experienced it and I know it was horrible) and I don't want to ever be put there again, not ever. Also, my "parents" (only technically speaking) were extremely toxic to me and I won't bear living with them ever again either. So at least while they are still alive (as bad or wrong as this may sound for others), I cannot risk failing another attempt and being put again under their custody. This life is hell... but it's still better than any of the alternatives.

So here I am... trying to survive in any way I can, until death finally comes look for me.