I have been suicidal for at least 8 years now, though I attempted multiple times since I was 18 (I'm 34) so I guess I've technically been suicidal for most of my adult life.
I was raised by parents who loved me, but were emotionally neglectful. Always passing me off to specialists whether that be about my anger issues, weight or anything that they couldn't handle. As you can imagine I've felt like a burden since childhood and I carry it with me to this day. I've been in therapy since age 4, and hospitalized 3 times. I have never known a time longer than a week when I like myself. I am a burden to everyone in my life. I am also isolated in a state that does not have much going on. I am very alone here and have developed socially anxious habits and OCD because of it.
Last year, after a long period of physical illness, I was out on some meds that made me manic. During one of these episodes I sliced my arm open, resulting in 12 stitches and a permanently ugly scar on my arm. I can't even look at my arm most days because it makes me hate myself even more.
I've spent the last year unpacking a lot with my therapist (whom I love) and have realized how emotionally damaged/broken I am. From ages 16-23 I was in an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship that caused me CPTSD. I've been left to sort this out on my own with people telling me to "just get over it" for years. I fear that everyone thinks I'm as crazy as I think I am. I feel like I should isolate myself from everyone I know.
My husband is an incredible person. He's the only partner who has truly taken care of me and show me stability. I am not worthy of him and I have told him this for years. I left my job in October and have embarrassingly been financially dependent on him since. I'm in school now, but am not cut out for it (I'm not bright). I lost the career I've built due to my illness and mental health struggles. I'm devastated by this, but looking back, I was absolutely destined to fail.
I'm unsure of how to end my life now and I think that's been my biggest obstacle. I am very lucky to have a partner that loves and takes care of me, but I'm done. I can't rot the way I have been for years. I don't know what to do anymore.
I was raised by parents who loved me, but were emotionally neglectful. Always passing me off to specialists whether that be about my anger issues, weight or anything that they couldn't handle. As you can imagine I've felt like a burden since childhood and I carry it with me to this day. I've been in therapy since age 4, and hospitalized 3 times. I have never known a time longer than a week when I like myself. I am a burden to everyone in my life. I am also isolated in a state that does not have much going on. I am very alone here and have developed socially anxious habits and OCD because of it.
Last year, after a long period of physical illness, I was out on some meds that made me manic. During one of these episodes I sliced my arm open, resulting in 12 stitches and a permanently ugly scar on my arm. I can't even look at my arm most days because it makes me hate myself even more.
I've spent the last year unpacking a lot with my therapist (whom I love) and have realized how emotionally damaged/broken I am. From ages 16-23 I was in an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship that caused me CPTSD. I've been left to sort this out on my own with people telling me to "just get over it" for years. I fear that everyone thinks I'm as crazy as I think I am. I feel like I should isolate myself from everyone I know.
My husband is an incredible person. He's the only partner who has truly taken care of me and show me stability. I am not worthy of him and I have told him this for years. I left my job in October and have embarrassingly been financially dependent on him since. I'm in school now, but am not cut out for it (I'm not bright). I lost the career I've built due to my illness and mental health struggles. I'm devastated by this, but looking back, I was absolutely destined to fail.
I'm unsure of how to end my life now and I think that's been my biggest obstacle. I am very lucky to have a partner that loves and takes care of me, but I'm done. I can't rot the way I have been for years. I don't know what to do anymore.
