CBT 11/14/15 between 12am and 1am PST. Goodbye and Thank you SS community.

[NMOP3PISdn]

I will now begin a countdown to my CBT. I will be doing it at a very special location and very dear to my heart. It is in a public area but there will be very little people there during that time and I doubt that I will be noticed. Below is what I am using to CBT.

25mg SN 50ml water (2 glasses)

10mg Melatonin 1 hour before cbt

TUMS chewable started taking one every 2 hours at 2 pm today.

Pepto started taking 1 capsule at 12pm and every 4 hours after

2 Tylenol PM 500mg one hour before CBT 11pm-11:30pm

Hoping that taking OTC meds and supplements that will make me drowsy help with passing out quicker.

Wish me luck! I will be sharing photos of my special venue for tonight. You guys will love the view!

 

[newave3]

It's so sorry this cruel world has driven you to this. I hope nobody sees you or hears you and that your transition out of this existence goes smoothly. Peace.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Just had a chat with my parents. Didn't go well. Now they won't let me take my car and hid the keys from me. I think i know where it is and I will wait til they fall asleep so I can leave. This just made me even more sure about CBT. They said they wanted to talk to me but never really gave me a chance to talk. All that happened was them talking and me listening. Being told that I am stupid doesn't help. No one understands. I never learned how to express how I felt all these years because I was never thought how to and they expect me to just know how to do it. Whenever I try to explain it all I hear from them is that I am making excuses and my reasons are stupid.
Now I feel that if I CTB i have to find a person to take care of my remains because I don't want them to have to deal with it. I have money coming in next week and I have done research about the cost of cremation and I feel like I have enough money to cover that at least. I don't know what to do! I know that if I CTB I won't have to deal with anything after, but I don't want to have to burden anyone with my remains especially financially.

 

[Vex]

Just had a chat with my parents. Didn't go well. Now they won't let me take my car and hid the keys from me. I think i know where it is and I will wait til they fall asleep so I can leave. This just made me even more sure about CBT. They said they wanted to talk to me but never really gave me a chance to talk. All that happened was them talking and me listening. Being told that I am stupid doesn't help. No one understands. I never learned how to express how I felt all these years because I was never thought how to and they expect me to just know how to do it. Whenever I try to explain it all I hear from them is that I am making excuses and my reasons are stupid.
Now I feel that if I CTB i have to find a person to take care of my remains because I don't want them to have to deal with it. I have money coming in next week and I have done research about the cost of cremation and I feel like I have enough money to cover that at least. I don't know what to do! I know that if I CTB I won't have to deal with anything after, but I don't want to have to burden anyone with my remains especially financially.

Please do not feel pressured to ctb. This is a choice, a completely voluntary one.

Yes, you have a right to die, but the opposite is true as well. You have a right to live.

To ctb is to seek the peace you are unable to find in life. With dignity. With pride. And with comfort.

Please be safe and know that you have touched my thoughts. Be comforted in the knowledge that there is someone in the world right now, albeit a stranger on the internet, who is thinking warmly of you and is wishing only good things for you.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Please do not feel pressured to ctb. This is a choice, a completely voluntary one.

Yes, you have a right to die, but the opposite is true as well. You have a right to live.

To ctb is to seek the peace you are unable to find in life. With dignity. With pride. And with comfort.

Please be safe and know that you have touched my thoughts. Be comforted in the knowledge that there is someone in the world right now, albeit a stranger on the internet, who is thinking warmly of you and is wishing only good things for you.

Thank you. I appreciate your concern. I understand that this decision is a final (hopefully) answer if I manage to actually die.
People always knew me as a tough guy and that I always find solutions to any obstacles I have faced. This time around I am just in so much emotional pain that living is just so painful. I always told people I knew that I can handle physical pain more than I can handle emotional pain. This is definitely true to my personality. Like I said earlier. I do not know how to express my emotions to where people can really understand what I am going through. My thoughts are always all over the place which makes it hard. I have always found a way to solve my problems on my own because that is what I was expected to do because I happen to be a man/male.

"Life sucks, learn how to deal with it, be a man, grow up, and figure it out."
That is what I was thought and now I know that isn't quite true. You can only go so far with those words. Emotional trauma is something that is worst than physical pain. Why wasn't I thought this? Now it's too late for me.

 

[Vex]

Thank you. I appreciate your concern. I understand that this decision is a final (hopefully) answer if I manage to actually die.
People always knew me as a tough guy and that I always find solutions to any obstacles I have faced. This time around I am just in so much emotional pain that living is just so painful. I always told people I knew that I can handle physical pain more than I can handle emotional pain. This is definitely true to my personality. Like I said earlier. I do not know how to express my emotions to where people can really understand what I am going through. My thoughts are always all over the place which makes it hard. I have always found a way to solve my problems on my own because that is what I was expected to do because I happen to be a man/male.

"Life sucks, learn how to deal with it, be a man, grow up, and figure it out."
That is what I was thought and now I know that isn't quite true. You can only go so far with those words. Emotional trauma is something that is worst than physical pain. Why wasn't I thought this? Now it's too late for me.

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

You're right, physical pain is so much lighter than emotional pain. Every single injury I've inflicted on myself in the past felt like it brought me closer to reality, the pain shining a light in a dark hallway, if only for a moment, focusing my attention and making me feel more substantial...when I would bleed, I felt so real.

But emotional pain felt like a soporific, something to further the numbness of an already stunted psyche. Trauma on top of trauma, so much pressure on the soul that you can't even cry out.

I'm doing better now, I believe, but I completely empathize with how you feel.

I wish you could find another way without having to ctb, but no one should have to feel the way that you do. ❤

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I wish you the best if you go through with it. I hope you find peace and love.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

I wish you the best if you go through with it. I hope you find peace and love.

Love, that is what I have been longing my entire existence. I thought I had found it too.

 

[pento]

10mg Melatonin 1 hour before cbt

Out of curiosity, what is the melatonin for?

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Out of curiosity, what is the melatonin for?

I am hoping it will help me go to sleep during the process. I take it to go to sleep at night as I have trouble sleeping. I am hoping that it will help me pass out faster if that makes sense.
i might have to push this back an hour or 2 as my parents are still awake. I have found my keys though, so that's a relief.

 

[pento]

I am hoping it will help me go to sleep during the process. I take it to go to sleep at night as I have trouble sleeping. I am hoping that it will help me pass out faster if that makes sense.
i might have to push this back an hour or 2 as my parents are still awake. I have found my keys though, so that's a relief.

In my experience, melatonin is too weak to guarantee sleep, but you should be unconscious within 30-60 minutes of taking SN anyway.

 

[forgotten15]

I wish you peace no matter what you will choose to do. Don't feel any pressure though, if you have doubts give it some time and think it over. At least you have sn and all the other meds so you can go at the time of your choosing. All the best

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Driving to my destination now. I will update when I get there. I feel numb and I am not scared for some reason.

 

[miserableforever]

Thank you. I appreciate your concern. I understand that this decision is a final (hopefully) answer if I manage to actually die.
People always knew me as a tough guy and that I always find solutions to any obstacles I have faced. This time around I am just in so much emotional pain that living is just so painful. I always told people I knew that I can handle physical pain more than I can handle emotional pain. This is definitely true to my personality. Like I said earlier. I do not know how to express my emotions to where people can really understand what I am going through. My thoughts are always all over the place which makes it hard. I have always found a way to solve my problems on my own because that is what I was expected to do because I happen to be a man/male.

"Life sucks, learn how to deal with it, be a man, grow up, and figure it out."
That is what I was thought and now I know that isn't quite true. You can only go so far with those words. Emotional trauma is something that is worst than physical pain. Why wasn't I thought this? Now it's too late for me.I agree, emotional trauma is the worst cause it's invisible on the outside to the others around you. Our parents aren't always great mentors, sometimes they're in denial, sometimes they just don't know better.Whatever you choose to do, my thoughts are with you <3

Just had a chat with my parents. Didn't go well. Now they won't let me take my car and hid the keys from me. I think i know where it is and I will wait til they fall asleep so I can leave. This just made me even more sure about CBT. They said they wanted to talk to me but never really gave me a chance to talk. All that happened was them talking and me listening. Being told that I am stupid doesn't help. No one understands. I never learned how to express how I felt all these years because I was never thought how to and they expect me to just know how to do it. Whenever I try to explain it all I hear from them is that I am making excuses and my reasons are stupid.
Now I feel that if I CTB i have to find a person to take care of my remains because I don't want them to have to deal with it. I have money coming in next week and I have done research about the cost of cremation and I feel like I have enough money to cover that at least. I don't know what to do! I know that if I CTB I won't have to deal with anything after, but I don't want to have to burden anyone with my remains especially financially.

I agree, emotional trauma is the worst cause it's invisible on the outside to the others around you. Sometimes our parents are in denial, sometimes they just don't know better. It's never too late to start over though. Whatever you choose to do, my thoughts are with you <3

 

[Konjac]

I'm so sorry about your circumstances and I pray that you can finally find peace tonight. Wishing you the best no matter what happens, I hope everything goes how you want it to.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Finally here

I'm so sorry about your circumstances and I pray that you can finally find peace tonight. Wishing you the best no matter what happens, I hope everything goes how you want it to.

Thank you
Taking tylenol now and tums then going to wait about an hour.

 

[Konjac]

I will be sharing photos of my special venue for tonight. You guys will love the view!

View attachment 78804
Finally here

Thank you
Taking tylenol now and tums then going to wait about an hour.

Woah. You sure didn't disappoint, that really is a beautiful view. How are you feeling?

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Woah. You sure didn't disappoint, that really is a beautiful view. How are you feeling?

Feeling calm, and not nervous for some reason. I have the bottle of SN with me. I might start getting nervous when i start mixing it with my water. Hahaha
Can't believe i am finding this funny right now.

 

[Kennish]

I hope you find peace

 

[Konjac]

Feeling calm, and not nervous for some reason. I have the bottle of SN with me. I might start getting nervous when i start mixing it with my water. Hahaha
Can't believe i am finding this funny right now.

It's good you're not feeling too nervous, and hey, it's a bad situation but it's better to go out laughing even if it's not considered socially acceptable haha. A bit of a final 'fuck you' to the world. Sometimes SI can kick in right at the last minute, the brain's just strange like that.

 

[Dot]

D u pln 2 snd msg 2 polce or n.e.thng @ all

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

D u pln 2 snd msg 2 polce or n.e.thng @ all

No, not planning on calling for help. Mixing the SN with water now.

 

[Dot]

Nt 4 hlp, jst 4 sm1 2 fnd u l8r. All own chce. R hre 4 spprt w/ evry1 else

 

[BabyFears]

You chose a wonderful place to say goodbye to the world

I wish you a safe journey and to find peace

 

[marinekiwi]

Hope the best for you. Wish you a comfortable departing!
Do not fear anything, for we are here with you, in whatever decision you take.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Nt 4 hlp, jst 4 sm1 2 fnd u l8r. All own chce. R hre 4 spprt w/ evry1 else

I have my phone with me and i have my wallet with my ID. Whoever finds me will likely call the authorities. I'm sure they will figure out the rest.
I think SN is ready. My heart is now pounding and I feel really scared now. I think I'm going to smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves a bit.

 

[Bedrock48]

No need to rush, the decision is yours so take all the time you need

 

[marinekiwi]

I have my phone with me and i have my wallet with my ID. Whoever finds me will likely call the authorities. I'm sure they will figure out the rest.
I think SN is ready. My heart is now pounding and I feel really scared now. I think I'm going to smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves a bit.

You are in some wonderful place to think. Take your time. You have all the time in the world to make a decision.
Do not rush it.

 

[Konjac]

It's okay to feel scared, and it's okay to take all the time you need, and it's okay to back out. Like the poster above said, please don't rush things.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

Ok, really nervous now. All i need to do is chug down the SN. Can't be that hard. Once I drink it there is no more backing out. How do I delete my account here?