Being the 'strong' one out of suicidal friends

[maggineko]

I've talked about it before in a different post of mine, but I feel like a lot of my suicdal friends rely on me as some kind of suicide hotline just because I'm the only one that isn't actively suicidal but rather passive.

I'm always the one being called up at random hours of the day at random days of the month or year, and hearing my friend cry into the phone about how much they want to ctb, and it takes everything in me not to panic and to just try to de-escalate(is that a word?) things. And I always have to say the same things like, "It's your choice if you really want to do it, because then nothing can change your mind, but the fact that you're calling me and crying your heart out tells me you need and want help, so please listen to me, and take deep breath" and bullshit like that, but if it saves my friend, then it's worth something. I dont want anybody to die, and if this is what it takes, of course I'll do it.

It feels a little unfair to me. Granted, I'm happy to be a safe space for these people as many of my friends were neglected, are addicted to substances or self-harm, in abusive relationships. I love my friends so so much but I feel more and more hollow everyday like it's sucking the energy out of me. My friends always think of me as their older sister, which I'm happy to be, but it's just frustrating to be the one always called up yet nobody checks on me when I'm having an episode.

I'm just so torn apart about this and I don't know how to feel. I find myself becoming more and more emotionally distant from my friends, not in the sense that I talk to them less or I'm beginning to hate them, but it's more like I'm getting tired of this unspoken arrangement. "Oh, I feel like killing myself, I should call Nix, she knows what to do and she's always here for me and always checking up on me." Right, but where are you when I need you? This sucks.

 

[matsuzaka]

i relate a lot to this,, my friends are similar, a lot of them have been through and are actively going through some terrible things. i have a hard time opening up to people because they always react so awkwardly so instead i end up being the one that they vent to and talk about their issues with >~<

which like isn't a bad thing, i love my friends and im glad they can open up to me but at the same time im going through a lot as well!! where are they when im feeling rough. its not like im not suicidal either im just a lot more passive or silent about it,,

its really unfortunate but i hope they learn to let you open up to them too when youre having a bad episode, i know its tough to struggle alone

 

[SuicIdiot]

I experience this in all fronts. Not just others who are suicidal. I find myself being the "fixer" for everything. Family disagreements, safe spaces for friends in crisis, advice-giver, academic tutor (even though idk wtf I'm doing lol), everything. And I've gotten good at faking it. God, am I good at faking it. But it comes to a point when I am just exhausted. I'm depressed, I'm suicidal, and I have nobody. If I show weakness, all hell breaks lose; I can't be the golden standard. It's too much to hold; it's too much for me. And it suckssss to admit that. I grew up in a very conditional love household. If I wasn't perfect, I was worthless. Trust me, I was imperfect a lot. How do you acknowledge your weaknesses while still showing up for others? How do you do it ALL.

 

[90377lethe]

I've talked about it before in a different post of mine, but I feel like a lot of my suicdal friends rely on me as some kind of suicide hotline just because I'm the only one that isn't actively suicidal but rather passive.

I'm always the one being called up at random hours of the day at random days of the month or year, and hearing my friend cry into the phone about how much they want to ctb, and it takes everything in me not to panic and to just try to de-escalate(is that a word?) things. And I always have to say the same things like, "It's your choice if you really want to do it, because then nothing can change your mind, but the fact that you're calling me and crying your heart out tells me you need and want help, so please listen to me, and take deep breath" and bullshit like that, but if it saves my friend, then it's worth something. I dont want anybody to die, and if this is what it takes, of course I'll do it.

It feels a little unfair to me. Granted, I'm happy to be a safe space for these people as many of my friends were neglected, are addicted to substances or self-harm, in abusive relationships. I love my friends so so much but I feel more and more hollow everyday like it's sucking the energy out of me. My friends always think of me as their older sister, which I'm happy to be, but it's just frustrating to be the one always called up yet nobody checks on me when I'm having an episode.

I'm just so torn apart about this and I don't know how to feel. I find myself becoming more and more emotionally distant from my friends, not in the sense that I talk to them less or I'm beginning to hate them, but it's more like I'm getting tired of this unspoken arrangement. "Oh, I feel like killing myself, I should call Nix, she knows what to do and she's always here for me and always checking up on me." Right, but where are you when I need you? This sucks.

I relate to this & I also have a few friends who are this person. And it takes a huge toll.

I know it's easier said than done, but if you are able to set boundaries, even just some of the time, please do. One of my closest friends has been going through a years-long mental breakdown because she is always put in the position of 'fixer' but is rarely offered support herself.

 

[endlesschatter]

I've talked about it before in a different post of mine, but I feel like a lot of my suicdal friends rely on me as some kind of suicide hotline just because I'm the only one that isn't actively suicidal but rather passive.

I'm always the one being called up at random hours of the day at random days of the month or year, and hearing my friend cry into the phone about how much they want to ctb, and it takes everything in me not to panic and to just try to de-escalate(is that a word?) things. And I always have to say the same things like, "It's your choice if you really want to do it, because then nothing can change your mind, but the fact that you're calling me and crying your heart out tells me you need and want help, so please listen to me, and take deep breath" and bullshit like that, but if it saves my friend, then it's worth something. I dont want anybody to die, and if this is what it takes, of course I'll do it.

It feels a little unfair to me. Granted, I'm happy to be a safe space for these people as many of my friends were neglected, are addicted to substances or self-harm, in abusive relationships. I love my friends so so much but I feel more and more hollow everyday like it's sucking the energy out of me. My friends always think of me as their older sister, which I'm happy to be, but it's just frustrating to be the one always called up yet nobody checks on me when I'm having an episode.

I'm just so torn apart about this and I don't know how to feel. I find myself becoming more and more emotionally distant from my friends, not in the sense that I talk to them less or I'm beginning to hate them, but it's more like I'm getting tired of this unspoken arrangement. "Oh, I feel like killing myself, I should call Nix, she knows what to do and she's always here for me and always checking up on me." Right, but where are you when I need you? This sucks.

You know some of us are chosen as instruments of God. God himself can't come and help by himself. He chooses pious souls to spread his love and care.
I can relate with your life and situations.
I have helped saved so many suicides in the approximately last 20 years. And when it comes to me, I can't change my mind, it's just the lack of method that stops me from it.
There were several times i felt god literally chose me as his instrument, because of the situations that were created and it was just me who could bring them out of their situation, just like you are helping your friends and most of them treat you like their older sister.
Feel proud of yourself that you are chosen as instrument of the divine force to spread the divine magic.
I'm not kidding or exaggerating this to console you, it's actually the truth.
As for helping you, we are here with you, by your side in every way possible to listen to you and care for you