maggineko
Holding on 'till May
- Aug 10, 2026
- 105
I've talked about it before in a different post of mine, but I feel like a lot of my suicdal friends rely on me as some kind of suicide hotline just because I'm the only one that isn't actively suicidal but rather passive.
I'm always the one being called up at random hours of the day at random days of the month or year, and hearing my friend cry into the phone about how much they want to ctb, and it takes everything in me not to panic and to just try to de-escalate(is that a word?) things. And I always have to say the same things like, "It's your choice if you really want to do it, because then nothing can change your mind, but the fact that you're calling me and crying your heart out tells me you need and want help, so please listen to me, and take deep breath" and bullshit like that, but if it saves my friend, then it's worth something. I dont want anybody to die, and if this is what it takes, of course I'll do it.
It feels a little unfair to me. Granted, I'm happy to be a safe space for these people as many of my friends were neglected, are addicted to substances or self-harm, in abusive relationships. I love my friends so so much but I feel more and more hollow everyday like it's sucking the energy out of me. My friends always think of me as their older sister, which I'm happy to be, but it's just frustrating to be the one always called up yet nobody checks on me when I'm having an episode.
I'm just so torn apart about this and I don't know how to feel. I find myself becoming more and more emotionally distant from my friends, not in the sense that I talk to them less or I'm beginning to hate them, but it's more like I'm getting tired of this unspoken arrangement. "Oh, I feel like killing myself, I should call Nix, she knows what to do and she's always here for me and always checking up on me." Right, but where are you when I need you?
This sucks.
I'm always the one being called up at random hours of the day at random days of the month or year, and hearing my friend cry into the phone about how much they want to ctb, and it takes everything in me not to panic and to just try to de-escalate(is that a word?) things. And I always have to say the same things like, "It's your choice if you really want to do it, because then nothing can change your mind, but the fact that you're calling me and crying your heart out tells me you need and want help, so please listen to me, and take deep breath" and bullshit like that, but if it saves my friend, then it's worth something. I dont want anybody to die, and if this is what it takes, of course I'll do it.
It feels a little unfair to me. Granted, I'm happy to be a safe space for these people as many of my friends were neglected, are addicted to substances or self-harm, in abusive relationships. I love my friends so so much but I feel more and more hollow everyday like it's sucking the energy out of me. My friends always think of me as their older sister, which I'm happy to be, but it's just frustrating to be the one always called up yet nobody checks on me when I'm having an episode.
I'm just so torn apart about this and I don't know how to feel. I find myself becoming more and more emotionally distant from my friends, not in the sense that I talk to them less or I'm beginning to hate them, but it's more like I'm getting tired of this unspoken arrangement. "Oh, I feel like killing myself, I should call Nix, she knows what to do and she's always here for me and always checking up on me." Right, but where are you when I need you?
This sucks.
