Venting Just my reasoning for wanting to die

[psychire]

I just feel like I am truly alone.
Like I have nobody, no friends, no family, no one.
I have "friends," but I just feel like they merely tolerate my presence. It always seems like they don't actually want me around.
I get that me being negative all the time is exhausting; I get it, but it's hard to be any other way when I feel this way because I've never felt like I ever actually mattered to anyone.
Whenever I tell them that, they just come up with a million excuses for why how I feel doesn't matter, and I'm just overreacting :/
I've never had a hard time loving myself; it's just hard to feel any other way when your whole life, you've never felt like you mattered to anyone.
It never was
Oh where's xxxx
I wanna hang out with xxxx
I'm waiting for xxxx
its always
Oh you can come if you want
Oh you can join us if you want
You can play with us if you want
Maybe I sound crazy for wanting more, but after years of this, it's exhausting. Why am I never good enough for anyone?
Why am I never chosen by anyone?
Why is it that everyone in my life eventually leaves me? What am I doing wrong??
I know it's a me problem because it's pattern recognition atp. I make friends with someone, I think it goes well, then they just ghost me for no reason. They don't even tell me they don't wanna talk to me anymore; they just go silent. It's happened to me so many times. I'd just wish they'd go, "hey I never want to hear or see your fucking face ever again you fucking chud", because at least I wouldn't be left in the dust to pick up the pieces and figure out what I did wrong again. I recently turned to doing drugs to try to drown out the pain; it's getting so unbearable. Every day feels like there's an ice pick in my chest, digging at my heart, as cheesy as that sounds. Turns out, drugs can only do so much for you; they can't fix your unbearable loneliness, which is the main reason why you're unhappy. Hah, who woulda thought. In fact, my friends seem to be more disappointed in me that I turned to drugs in the first place instead of caring about the root problem, which I've told them many times in the past. It just gets worse and worse every day. I've stopped talking to pretty much everyone, not on purpose, but just because no one wants to talk to me. Even when I'm not being negative, which I'm genuinely trying to be less of, people just don't wanna talk to me. I don't know why; I want to know why. It's driving me insane. It made me realize how little people think or even care about me. And that's my why.
I can't do this shit anymore. I am a human being who craves social connection; isn't that the bare minimum? Am I demanding too much for wanting the bare minimum? To at least have one person to confide in? I don't know. Every day I cry alone, begging whatever is out there to just give me one person I can talk to, one person who would choose me, but it never happens. All that happens is I find out just how much lonelier I can possibly get. I don't even have any family I can confide in; they are all judgmental, and I just have a bad history with everyone in my family. I just wish I were born a bird; they are my favorite animal because of their freedom. At this point, I just want to set myself free and fly away, whether that be physically or spiritually, setting my soul free by suicide.

 

[Redacted24]

Loneliness is awful.
I think a lot of people here can empathize with you on that.

By the way, welcome to the community.
I'm sorry you found your way here. But I think you'll find that it's a really amazing group of people. Yeah we're all here for different reasons but the common thing is hurt and pain and how to not feel that anymore.

They're people like you. And like me. They get it. And it's so very refreshing to be able to interact with others that can understand and accept.

Being here has given me enough that it has kept me going for years because of the kindness and support.

I hope you find that too.

You've bravely shared your story with us.
That's great! Keep doing that, keep interacting.
Yes people do leave here or just go quiet. That happens. But you can have friends here.

You're not alone. You're a community member.
Welcome to you!

 

[BunBun]

I get you completely.
I have become so accustomed to being alone that I only feel lonely when I am with family or friends. Have you ever stood in front of someone and tired to have a conversation with them, only for them to not even notice you were there? It is indescribably painful to be reminded that no matter how hard you try to make yourself seen or heard, nothing changes. I was far too young when I realized that people liked me better when I wasn't around.

Sorry to hijack your post, I just relate so much to this sentiment that I wanted to at least share that you're not the only one in a similar lonely boat