Help Attempt n°2 : How do you find the strenght to live when no one cares about you ?

[Marine]

Since my previous post was completely misinterpreted (I don't know how to delete it though), let me try to rephrase what I meant correctly :

How do you find the strenght to live when no one ( I do mean no one : no family, friend, partner, acquaintance...) cares about you and you're completely isolated (due to the dictatorship destroying your life and leaving you with nowhere to go to meet other people) ?

Real question. I feel like I'm going to die 24/7 (I want to live if I can, I'm just losing more strength to live every day, panic and suffering keep getting more and more unbearable). Doctors / hospitals aren't an option : they cause only further harm (for me).

I was referring specifically to weight loss / overcoming bulimia / finding love / getting demanding tasks done that require a lot of focus and energy which I can't channel from my current environment / situation. Having never been loved / cared about makes me completely despondent, drained of all energy, in agonizing pain, no matter how hard I try to change things, my attempts never work, I remain alone, everything I've tried to build was arbitrarily destroyed, I have nothing left to hold on and I'm really scared of ending like this.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I kinda just play video games 24/7 or spend time in the plush pile to forget about how much of a hellish solitary confinement this shit ass life is. Being distracted isnt gonna fix anything, but it's harder to think about the fact that literally no one gives a shit about me when i'm blasting weaboo panzerlied and yeeting tanks in hell let loose.

 

[Marine]

I kinda just play video games 24/7 or spend time in the plush pile to forget about how much of a hellish solitary confinement this shit ass life is. Being distracted isnt gonna fix anything, but it's harder to think about the fact that literally no one gives a shit about me when i'm blasting weaboo panzerlied and yeeting tanks in hell let loose.

I used to game a lot when I had enough money to buy consoles / games too (my PC isn't powerful enough), it helped a lot for sure, but I feel like I've reached a point at 28 where nothing can replace human interactions, especially cuddles, affection, love, conversations and having a professional activity (studying or working) allowing me to go outside and get closer to my life goal.

Things I love to do by myself that used to be enough don't fulfill me anymore, and being alone with no life, no love, bond / belonging, connection, future, decent place to live, nothing but abuse and injustice I can't even deal with to account, makes me panic no matter what I do and it always ends in self destruction (bulimia). I've gained so much weight I'm fully cut off from myself and can't endure living in such a body, neither can I endure being ignored / deceived on every dating site and social media which are the only places left I have to meet people but lead to absolutely nothing, I'd rather be dead.

I'd give anything to be able to meet compatible people IRL, reach my goal weight, be healthy and attractive, and reclaim my life, but despite giving it my utmost best, reading tons of personal development / psychology books, listening to others, searching in myself, journaling, watching inspiring material, I always come to the conclusion that all alone in the world, abandoned and betrayed by all I loved, I'm just overwhelmed by my multiple traumas and a lack of love that's lasted far too long for any human being to withstand, and I feel powerless, like I need someone's help, someone who would truly care about me, take care of me and allow me to get back on my feet. I feel like it's just a legitimate need... But I can't seem to find a way to meet it, or do it all by myself anymore.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Getting out from the CBT zone is extremely hard. My life has improved a lot but I'm still suicidal.

The only thing that I can tell you is that I stopped caring about the people who used to be around me because they just didn't understand my suffering and only wanted to send me to a psych ward.

Thus, I ended up all alone and had no choice but to embrace and love this loneliness, which is the first advice I can give you.

Secondly, if you really need to talk to someone, start by talking to us and maybe then try another social network and meet new people. SS and OMEGLE allowed me to meet amazing inviduals. Oh and love, it comes when you least expect it but it won't come if you don't get to know new persons and do something about it. There's no magic trick.
As for the family, there's nothing to do because you can't choose it. My family practically doesn't give a damn about me, except for my dad.

Lastly, the hardest one: GETTING SH*T DONE.
This was way too difficult for me to achieve because I had become a NEET for almost 3 years. I used to not even want to take a shower. What did I do? Well, I always say this but I just went from baby steps to giant strides.
I started by cleaning up my apartment, trying to wake up everyday at the same hour, doing the dishes and then I was able to work for 1 hour a day, then 3 hours a day and now I work full-time, which I thought I was never gonna be able to achieve.

Anyway, that's what I did and automatically my anxiety, insomnia, sadness and so on almost disappeared from my life.

One more thing, I'm taking meds and they gave me the push I needed: bupropion, lamotrigine and quetiapine.

 

[Marine]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Getting out from the CBT zone is extremely hard. My life has improved a lot but I'm still suicidal.

The only thing that I can tell you is that I stopped caring about the people who used to be around me because they just didn't understand my suffering and only wanted to send me to a psych ward.

Thus, I ended up all alone and had no choice but to embrace and love this loneliness, which is the first advice I can give you.

Secondly, if you really need to talk to someone, start by talking to us and maybe then try another social network and meet new people. SS and OMEGLE allowed me to meet amazing inviduals. Oh and love, it comes when you least expect it but it won't come if you don't get to know new persons and do something about it. There's no magic trick.
As for the family, there's nothing to do because you can't choose it. My family practically doesn't give a damn about me, except for my dad.

Lastly, the hardest one: GETTING SH*T DONE.
This was way too difficult for me to achieve because I had become a NEET for almost 3 years. I used to not even want to take a shower. What did I do? Well, I always say this but I just went from baby steps to giant strides.
I started by cleaning up my apartment, trying to wake up everyday at the same hour, doing the dishes and then I was able to work for 1 hour a day, then 3 hours a day and now I work full-time, which I thought I was never gonna be able to achieve.

Anyway, that's what I did and automatically my anxiety, insomnia, sadness and so on almost disappeared from my life.

One more thing, I'm taking meds and they gave me the push I needed: bupropion, lamotrigine and quetiapine.

First of all in case you don't know : human beings need interactions, love and bonds to survive, it's a vital need. I've simply reached my limit there, so denial ("embracing the loneliness") is not an option, I've done that for too long.
I only have french (I'm French) studies on the subject in mind but it's well documented, maybe look it up (I'm too sick for that right now). It's not because you haven't reached that point due to your experience being different from mine that it's not real. Any person well versed in psychology, anthropology etc will explain it to you better than me.

I did get out of the CTB zone and that's the worst part : I had finally started to rebuild my life through excruciating efforts but the plandemic destroyed EVERYTHING. So now I'm back in it because I have no way to live anymore, and it's so much worse.

It's hard for me to be understood except from some people with good knowledge of psychology, open minded, and with similar references because I've explored and experienced things that most people aren't familiar with and they're at the center of my life, or lack thereof. I see it's still the case here so I'll see if it gets anywhere at all.

I also need to find people where I live because I need IRL encounters like I've mentioned.

I've done everything I could think of to find love, again I think I had been clear. I was socially hyperactive, doing my best to improve myself etc before all that.

The problem is : my life has been robbed from me and I have nowhere to go, I can't go to college because they won't let me without a mask even with a medical derogation, there is no job I think I could do without a higher degree (I want to work in communication / scenario in the video game industry).

I had been a NEET for 5 years, more if you count the time I wasn't in school, I was precisely just starting again from scratch before they took it from me.

Like I've mentioned meds have been the worst thing that I've ever tried, not for me whatsoever.

I'm glad you got better though. What kind of work do you do ? Do you work from home ?

I know I'm dying because of the lack of love and connection so I don't have much time to be honest. Bulimia destroys any kind of structure I try to put in place too...

Anyway thank you for trying to help. I hope I've made things clearer though...

 

[timf]

How we relate to others is a key component to building a life.

1. Cut off from toxic people. There are those who prey upon you (either intentionally or reflexively). Since they do not seem able to stop themselves, one has to take active steps to reduce the harm they can inflict by avoiding them.

2. Minimize exposure to neutral people. Most people do not care about us beyond the social pleasantries that allow us to work together, etc. If you invest yourself with these and have the expectation of reciprocation, you will probably be disappointed.

3. Take care of yourself. Prior to going to step four, a person often needs to repair damage, learn skills, or build a solid foundation. Essentially one has to maximize what others would find interesting or of value. Some attempt this by investing in their appearance only to find that they attract the superficial.

The character qualities of humor, kindness, cheerfulness, and honesty are often rare and thus more valuable. In short, you have to cultivate within yourself those qualities that you desire in others.

4. Explore places where you are likely to find those with the qualities you desire to bring into your environment. For example the predatory bar scene might not be the best place to meet someone who would show selfless love, compassion, or kindness.

 

[MMB]

I used to game a lot when I had enough money to buy consoles / games too (my PC isn't powerful enough), it helped a lot for sure, but I feel like I've reached a point at 28 where nothing can replace human interactions, especially cuddles, affection, love, conversations and having a professional activity (studying or working) allowing me to go outside and get closer to my life goal.

Things I love to do by myself that used to be enough don't fulfill me anymore, and being alone with no life, no love, bond / belonging, connection, future, decent place to live, nothing but abuse and injustice I can't even deal with to account, makes me panic no matter what I do and it always ends in self destruction (bulimia). I've gained so much weight I'm fully cut off from myself and can't endure living in such a body, neither can I endure being ignored / deceived on every dating site and social media which are the only places left I have to meet people but lead to absolutely nothing, I'd rather be dead.

I'd give anything to be able to meet compatible people IRL, reach my goal weight, be healthy and attractive, and reclaim my life, but despite giving it my utmost best, reading tons of personal development / psychology books, listening to others, searching in myself, journaling, watching inspiring material, I always come to the conclusion that all alone in the world, abandoned and betrayed by all I loved, I'm just overwhelmed by my multiple traumas and a lack of love that's lasted far too long for any human being to withstand, and I feel powerless, like I need someone's help, someone who would truly care about me, take care of me and allow me to get back on my feet. I feel like it's just a legitimate need... But I can't seem to find a way to meet it, or do it all by myself anymore.

Your experience and emotions are practically identical to mine. Happy to chat if you ever need an understanding ear..

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Your experience and emotions are practically identical to mine. Happy to chat if you ever need an understanding ear..

Wanna add on to this and say same. Reading through this thread I can relate exactly.

We need to be shown and feel love its natural. Im tryna find the answer as well. I wanma be connected etc.

Im open to talk anytime as well.

 

[Marine]

Thank you all for your answers.

I understand some of you are different or don't really get what I mean but I know for a fact that romantic love IS what I need to heal now.

Not in the sense that I except it to do everything for me and substitute for everything though. But it's what I need first and foremost. No healing will occur without it. Period blank. It's not an opinion, it's my personal knowledge.

I firmly believe based on my own experience, intuition and thorough research, like Herman (trauma specialist) that "recovery can only occur within a healing relationship and only if the survivor is empowered by that relationship".

I know about my other needs : a decent place to live, a fullfilling activity and lifestyle, friends, financial independance, no more toxic people or events in my life. But there is no replacement for love, like there is no replacement for other needs, and it's the most essential one in my experience. No solid foundation without that. This is the point I'm at right now, that doesn't mean it's true for you.

I've also noticed that if my needs were met, life, especially constructive human interactions, had a natural healing effect because I'm used to continually reflect and work on myself, I've been doing it for years (I also occasionally - because it's expensive - see a psychologist). There is a lot of propaganda about how everything comes from inside ourselves and we're self made but I don't buy into that whatsoever. I've disproved it too many times to count. Living in a bubble without coming into contact with the world only destroys me. So does expecting to be an all powerful god and needing no one to recover. It led to my situation right now, that most people never end up in, and so there is a lot of ignorance about it.

Please remember that I'm only talking about myself, and that no one knows better than myself what I truly need. Because something echoes with your different personal experience doesn't mean it applies to mine. And that also doesn't mean we can't take that into consideration to help one another.


@timf

=> On the subject of toxic people :

I have no idea how to cut toxic people from my life. First of all : my garantors (abusive genitors) are the most toxic people in my life but without them I can't rent an apartment.

I've looked for various solutions in vain. I would have to move in with a partner who wouldn't kick me out or find a well paying permanent contract, and I was barely starting college and was kicked out abusively because I'm medically exempt from wearing mask so I've sued them but this year is ruined, I don't know of any place likely to hire me with such a contract for something I could do (communication). I can't work alone from home either.

=> About superfical people and "Explore places where you are likely to find those with the qualities you desire to bring into your environment." :

I've tried everything I could think of before the dictatorship closed everything down and it led to zero result.

Where in your opinion would such places be ? In case I overlooked some.

I have no idea how to improve my interactions with others. I've read a ton on the subject, experienced with people, but it seems to come down to compatibility ? And self image.

My self image doesn't seem recover without positive / empathetic interactions... Very hard to find lately.

 

[Marine]

One thing I have to mention to try and find a new frame and most of all solution is the one that makes me suffer the most :

Like I've mentioned I've never been loved. I've been pretty much nothing but abused or ignored by almost all I came in contact with, with few exceptions.

Since I've lost everything and have been kicked out of the few places that remain ( due to being medically exempt from wearing a mask) the only places where there is a possibility to (IRL) meet people are resistance networks and dating sites.

Quite contrary to what you would expect I've only met superficial, uncaring "neutral" people, what's more most of them way older than me and / or already in a relationship and unrelatable so far in resistance networks. I've been harassed or ignored every time I've asked for help or made a proposition to meet up.

That leaves only dating sites, which are the most likely to lead to meeting someone single interested in me, and reciprocally, except lately (it wasn't this bad before I don't know why it changed that much for the worse) most of the problem is that the people who seem the most compatible (physically and psychologically) are 99% of the time not interested in me.

Only "trash" (excuse the expression), or should I say the exact opposite of what I'm looking for come to me : ugly, old, stupid, frivolous / superfical AF, f**up, disrespectful, heavy-handed... come to me.

And the only conclusion I can come to is that I must also be "trash" : not worth the kind of person I truly need because I'm too fat, too ugly, too damaged, too weird, just unloveable.

If I consider that throughout my life everyone I've loved abused and abandoned me, never truly considered me romantic potential, and everyone IRL I've been attracted to "physically and psychologically" didn't either, I've even been spontaneously insulted on occasion without doing anything, I come to the exact same conclusion.

I can even go further and add the recurring harassment, bullying and abuse I've endured all my life to this day (latest one : some of my neighbors are ganging up to evict me from my apartment accusing me of noise pollution I'M THE VICTIM OF that comes from the flat above mine, and my real estate agency doesn't believe me WTF).

I keep trying my absolute hardest to recover from non vomitive bulimia, re-lose the excess weight, become healthy and beautiful but that vicious cycle of abuse prevents every attempt I make now that I have no life and meet no one. So I now hate my body for its degenerative state and myself for "not being strong enough" and it's even more unbearable.

That conclusion of being unloveable, worthless, doomed to hell, no matter what I do is the number one thing pushing me to commit suicide (I've already attempted it 3 times for these reasons).

I want to believe that it has to be wrong but I can't seem to refute it just by myself, my experience always leads me back to that belief.

Have any of you experienced this, and even if you haven't do you have any advice to explain why I'm experiencing this and how I could change it ?

 

[Marine]

...

Gotta love that whenever I actually try to address what's most important no one ever answers. Every time.

I should have died back in 2018-19. I must not be human for never being able to create bonds anywhere no matter what I do.

 

[Marktheghost]

I'm not sure what I can say to help; but you can pm me if you want.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Have any of you experienced this, and even if you haven't do you have any advice to explain why I'm experiencing this and how I could change it ?

You're lumping in several things, so the question is hard to answer. It's easier to get an overview by separating the issues. These seem to be what prevents you from finding love, since you said that was what you think will help your life:

1. Bulimia/psychological problems.
2. Overweight.
3. NEET.
4. Low likeability.

These are all dealt with in very different ways, but of course overlap and each makes the others tougher to deal with. If you want someone that you deem to not be "trash" (as you have put it) to date you then you probably have to at least fix point 2 and preferable also hit 4 as well. I'm guessing you are a young woman, so having an ok-ish appearance and an amicable-ish personality should be enough for a dating site.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

you could try stuff like once covid is over, going to the gym or clubs or try to meet people at work. You can also find tons of friends to be with online. You can pick up a new hobby like crocheting or something and make friends from that community.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I forgot to add, have you ever used social websites such as Meetup? There's all kinds of groups on there to fit a vast variety of interests and needs, including groups aimed at single people. It could be a good way of meeting people with common interests when COVID settles, but remote events online could be an option in the meantime if there are no in person meetings right now.

 

[LittleJem]

Covid is a nightmare - sorry it has affected your life and work plans so badly. I hate this situation so much and I am not sure the impact on people and the economy is worth it in the long term. I hope this lockdown and situation will improve, and then hopefully you can get a bit of your life back.

Re dating and illness...I know that when I am really depressed I feel so lonely, and it also affects my social life and all my relationships. I wasn't well enough to date. I wasn't well enough to socialise. My illness led to me also being bullied and being dropped by some of my oldest friends. I just started dating again, because I have been feeling somewhat better thanks to some treatments (see my posts in this Recovery section for my personal top tips on treatments that have helped me).

It's been about 3 weeks, so early days, but am getting out while I can walk down the street (I was bedridden for a year with depression). BUT as for finding love. I had my heart broken by the first man I dated who ghosted me - and I knew him from real life Then I got on Tinder and also Feeld (I personally prefer Feeld, as while it is maybe more for hook ups, I find it more respectful).

I have met several people, but while I have met two people I liked, one of them was really rude and arrogant and crude - he sent me unsolicited crotch shots after our first date (where we'd only kissed), and he wouldn't discuss how stressful I found that...(especially considering he was richer than me and arrogant) and so that ended, which was disappointing, but I'm over it now. The other one I like is younger than me and it's more of a friendship than a love relationship. He's awesome. I'm really glad I met him - but he is 13 years younger than me and from a different background, but interesting and fun.

I do recommend dating younger people as something that can be healing but also not make you too vulnerable. I almost avoid catching feelings for people if possible. If they come to me, I won't resist them, but I am actually quite pleased to not be feelign big feelings atm.

I'd recommend feeling a bit better before dating, because otherwise you will be vulnerable. I was vulnerable to the guy I fell in love with who was mean to me and ghosted me. I'd known him a long time. But I don't regret risking dating him and at least I am over him now. It wasn't a long thing, and he is a w**ker!

I don't think any of us can force love to happen...and for me, I tend to fall in love with the wrong people, so right now dating people I like and who like me is my healthiest option.

I like the options some of the others have suggested, about online meet up groups and hobbies. Maybe with a mutual hobby you will meet some nice people. Religious communities (if you can stomach religion) can also be good ways to meet people. A lot of them are online and have other people also online, that you can meet. I have also thought about online mental health support groups. I am only in the past two years considering myself as disabled (though I always have been), and it is a step to join such a group, as I feel somewhat vulnerable and a bit ashamed, but I am less ashamed than I was - as these are illnesses and not our fault. So being in groups with others who understand could be good. If you are in the UK, try calling the Mind helpline. I called them the other day, they will ask you what Borough you are in. Other local mental health groups - some of them must hopefully be online.

My ex with Bipolar has been in and out of hospital. Every time he comes out he has to rebuild his life again - and he does. So kudos to him. I have not always wanted to rebuild my life, as I have been so ill, but feeling better even for three weeks, I'm gonna rebuild while I can. Other people left my life, but he was a great support. So perhaps peopel that understand, for example other people with Bulimia, could be good friends for you.

Not the same illness...But by the way, I just read that journalist Hadley Freedman is about to publish/write a memoir about her battle with Anorexia. That kind of memoir could be helpful? She is writing in the hope to give hope to people. https://www.thebookseller.com/news/fourth-estate-buys-freemans-ground-breaking-memoir-1249077

I hope this long rant has useful things in for you. What I really want to say is sorry you are feeling so lonely and especially after all your trauma. I hoep you find that people here care about you and are here for you, and I also hope you find more good people in your life. I have actually found that my illness has got rid of the people who weren't good in my life, and I am lucky to be left with the good ones. If you don't have the good ones yet, they are out there and you can find them. Just stay safe and trust yourself, and keep looking. And when you don't find them, keep looking. They are out there.