alltoomuch2
Elementalist
- Feb 10, 2024
- 838
I'm feeling so lonely and despairing and just can't see why I'm here any more. My mental health practitioner was meant to phone to arrange our weekly session but he hasn't so he's forgotten. I know I'm just his job, but I did think he cared. How stupid am I. No one cares. No one at all. Work are lying about me and bullying me, I'm no better since I started sick leave (6 months so far at the advice of work's occupational health). There's something wrong with me because no one cares about me, no one wants to be around me. I was going to drive to the Humber bridge now but when I was checking if there was a car park (so no one's suspicious) I read that you don't die instantly, you fracture your spine and then drown. And I'm a coward and I don't want to be paralysed or drowned. I've got a tourniquet and a Malawi tent put up but no charcoal and my partner is due home at any time. Why am I such a spineless coward. There's no point in being here. Even the mental health people don't care and I'm sick of the rollercoaster of calling the crisis team feel better, get worse, feel terrible again, call them again and on and on on repeat. I'm sure he thinks there's nothing wrong with me because my mental health makes me forget everything so I can't tell them how bad it gets. When they witness me starting to spiral they panic and send me to crisis. I JUST WANT TO GO. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. ALL THE MOOD SWINGS. THE WANTING TO CTB BUT ALL THE METHODS I CAN USE HAVE BIG DRAWBACKS OR ARE TOO DIFFICULT FOR ME. THERE ISN'T EVEN A HIGH BRIDGE ON DRY LAND BECAUSE I LIVE IN STUPID FUCKING LINCOLNSHIRE AND I HAVE A PARTNER (AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE ONE) WHO WOULD SOUND THE ALARM IF I DISAPPEARED BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO PROVIDE FOR HIMSELF. FUCK. HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF END THIS. I NEED TO. RIGHT NOW. BUT I'M A COWARD AS WELL AS ALL THE OTHER SHITTY THINGS ABOUT ME. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT. MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE EVERY TABLET I HAVE, SAY NOTHING UNTIL ITS TOO LATE, (OR BETTER AT ALL) THEN DECISION MADE AND BY THE TIME I GET TO AGONY ITS TOO LATE (I ONLY HAVE PARACETAMOL, SERTRALINE, DIPHENHYDRAMINE AND DOMPERIDONE. YOU'D ALL BE JEALOUS COS I HAVE KEYS TO A CUPBOARD SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE ARE BOTTLES OF PENTOBARBITONE BUT THERE'S LOADS OF PEOPLE AROUND IN THAT BUILDING AND IF I WENT TO JAIL FOR THEFT THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE COS JAIL WOULD BE TERRIBLE AND THEY'RE CAREFUL TO STOP YOU CTB'ING. FUCK.
