heirofvoid

heirofvoid

Member
Dec 20, 2021
71
The answer is always "no". I don't get the courage to do it because I'm lacking on knowledge and preparations to make it successful. I always think I'll be gone in the next month but it never happens. Since I have that "Oh I'll be gone by next month anyway" mindset, I end up just making the worst decisions.

Right now I'm currently burning through my savings even though I need it to pay for my college expenses. I just resigned from my job a few weeks ago and I'm still waiting for the backpay. I figured I'll be able to save but being so stressed out for being rushed to immediately enroll in college again after I resigned, I felt the need to spend on food, merch, or just anything that will make me happy. I thought I deserved it for working hard but god I have so much to pay for in college since I had to transfer to a private one. I'm not even sure if I'll get my backpay after a month. I'm scared of depleting my savings and it's just the 2nd week of classes. I also have to pay for my sibling's college expenses as well. At this point you'd be telling me to get a job again and I do want to but I don't think I can. I will be risking not only my physical health but also my mental health. I was already so drained from my previous job and having to do that while studying in college? I think I'll have worse grades too. I don't want to apply for a scholarship because it means I have to do my best. I don't want to do that anymore, I'm just resuming my studies to get that stupid diploma.

I feel so fucking stressed I can't review properly for an exam tomorrow. Couple that with anxiety of having to report in front of the class. I haven't done that in years and it has always been nerve wracking to me. I also noticed my memory is a lot worse compared to when I was still in highschool. I was the top of my class and now I'm having a hard time remembering. For fuck's sake I'm only 23.

It doesn't help that I don't enjoy anything anymore and I'm just waking up each day to fulfill a role that my family wants. I don't have any other distractions or stress relievers from this since I don't have the motivation to do anything. Everything sucks and I really wish I can find a method soon as I still have my savings.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,869
It must be really exhausting and dreadful feeling trapped in that situation, to me it's very much understandable just wishing to be free from it all. But anyway best wishes.
 
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