Kokonoe
Worthless Doll
- Apr 20, 2023
- 214
title.
my whole life feels like just killing time. everything i do or could do offers no real satisfaction or change or purpose in life. it's always just something to do. even things i want really badly for a long time, once i get them, i realize it's unfulfilling, too. even things i don't have i know will be like that. like if somehow i ever got a partner, it would be nice to not be alone i guess, but it changes next to nothing. i still have no purpose in life. i just have someone to kill time with. it's still the same thing.
i got started thinking about this because i've been trying to take classes again as a way to just have something to do. specifically art classes, bc it's one of the few things i actually enjoy. i haven't done anything college related in 5 or 6 years, the whole process has been confusing to me and it makes me feel like an idiot. i've been so depressed that i haven't really even be able to keep up with necessary tasks, let alone stuff like applying for college classes and all the steps that go into that. just making sure i eat one thing a day already takes everything out of me..
so naturally the classes start to fill up, and i realized i'm probably going to miss my chance for this fall semester. i'll likely have to wait until next year. a whole 6 months with nothing to do with myself was a horrifying thought. but i realized it really doesn't matter. these art classes aren't important or fulfilling in any way. it's just a way to kill time. whether it happens in a month or 7 months, it doesn't really matter.
why is everything in life so unfulfilling. why does everything just boil down to "a way to pass the time". i wish life wasn't so empty and meaningless. i don't want to live life at all.
my whole life feels like just killing time. everything i do or could do offers no real satisfaction or change or purpose in life. it's always just something to do. even things i want really badly for a long time, once i get them, i realize it's unfulfilling, too. even things i don't have i know will be like that. like if somehow i ever got a partner, it would be nice to not be alone i guess, but it changes next to nothing. i still have no purpose in life. i just have someone to kill time with. it's still the same thing.
i got started thinking about this because i've been trying to take classes again as a way to just have something to do. specifically art classes, bc it's one of the few things i actually enjoy. i haven't done anything college related in 5 or 6 years, the whole process has been confusing to me and it makes me feel like an idiot. i've been so depressed that i haven't really even be able to keep up with necessary tasks, let alone stuff like applying for college classes and all the steps that go into that. just making sure i eat one thing a day already takes everything out of me..
so naturally the classes start to fill up, and i realized i'm probably going to miss my chance for this fall semester. i'll likely have to wait until next year. a whole 6 months with nothing to do with myself was a horrifying thought. but i realized it really doesn't matter. these art classes aren't important or fulfilling in any way. it's just a way to kill time. whether it happens in a month or 7 months, it doesn't really matter.
why is everything in life so unfulfilling. why does everything just boil down to "a way to pass the time". i wish life wasn't so empty and meaningless. i don't want to live life at all.
