Venting it doesn't get better.

[Kokonoe]

title. i had been putting what last bit of hope i had into whether or not starting art classes changed anything in my life. because i really have nothing else. and today i had my first class, and i already want to give up.
i felt like i was embarrassing myself the whole time. i can't even leave home anymore without feeling that way the entire time. i was so anxious the entire time. it took all my willpower not to break down crying or start talking to myself.
i was the last one to show up. i didn't realize until much later but somehow my bra got fucked up and my tits were just visible through my shirt the whole time and i couldn't tell, i must've looked like a fucking idiot. we had to briefly draw and add some basic info about ourselves and then like, trade our art with someone as a first day ice breaker kinda thing. and i hate showing people my art, so that already made me feel awful, sharing anything about myself makes me feel even more like a complete embarrassment. and i just sat there alone, unable to interact with anyone else around me. and when finally pushed to do so i just froze up and couldn't speak. i was like completely confused and didn't even know what to do. i'm so useless.
when the actual drawing started it was fine. i started to relax a bit. the professor used my work as a positive example of technique and he even complemented my style, saying he liked how soft i make my art look. that was nice. i thankfully don't feel too behind my peers in that regard at least, although i do a little bit. my creativity and posing is completely lacking.
after class all i could think about was suicide. all i wanted to do was go home and hang. go home and cut every part of my body i can. cut my neck clean open. i wanted to hurt myself so bad. i had to ask my only friend to come over because i knew i couldn't stay safe.
i already don't want to go back. it feels pointless. this changes nothing in my life. and just makes me feel even more like i don't belong in the world. i feel like people who were isolated like me can never re-enter the world at all. i try and try but it's just impossible now. already my classmates were getting along with each other and connecting but i can't do that. i'm still the freak that shouldn't be there. i can't be out in the world at all. i have to stay home and die.
listening to everyone talk just made me so sad. everyone else is so different. watching them almost like compare all the things they've done or have going on in their lives just made me angry for some reason. if you've seen american pyscho, do you know how everyone in that movie brags about the reservations they would get at fancy restaurants, or their business cards, or other mundane things like that? and that's just their form of socialization? just constantly trying to show off and one up each other to move up the social hierarchy? it felt like listening to the same thing as that. these people are completely different from me, i will never be able to connect with anyone. this whole thing just makes me feel so isolated and alone, more than i already do. it makes me feel ashamed to even be alive. i don't want to leave the house anymore. i want to give up. it changes nothing. and i couldn't even handle this much, anyways..
i'll still have no friends. i'll still have nothing to do with myself. my life will still be empty. there's no point. i should just die. i have nothing else to look forward to or wait for now.

 

[GWAI]

My situation is the complete opposite to yours but I relate, trying hard in something and it doesn't get better; that's absolutely true I agree with that

 

[Kokonoe]

My situation is the complete opposite to yours but I relate, trying hard in something and it doesn't get better; that's absolutely true I agree with that

can i ask what you mean by complete opposite? it's ok if not.
and yes, it's a struggle for sure. i feel like i try so hard and still nothing changes for the better at all.

 

[GWAI]

can i ask what you mean by complete opposite? it's ok if not.
and yes, it's a struggle for sure. i feel like i try so hard and still nothing changes for the better at all.

I'm a uni dropout, so it's the opposite as in I tried hard in an online business and got cooked, (I made money, then lost it all so I owe money and shit)

For me I feel like it's a curse in which the harder I try, the worse it blows up in my face cuz if I never started, my situation would be better

 

[Kokonoe]

I'm a uni dropout, so it's the opposite as in I tried hard in an online business and got cooked, (I made money, then lost it all so I owe money and shit)

For me I feel like it's a curse in which the harder I try, the worse it blows up in my face cuz if I never started, my situation would be better

i'm actually also a dropout. i originally went to college in 2021, all the way in a different state, and for engineering. but was forced to drop bc my dad refused to support me financially after he found out i started hrt at college. and also, admittedly, i was struggling terribly with class.

since moving home, i've been a shut-in for years, despite my best efforts not to be. i can't work bc i'm disabled, so it's even especially harder for me to find something. and i've lost all the community i've had over the years and only become more isolated.

i'm only taking this one art class at a local community college because it's something for me to do, and art is the only thing i really have anymore.

i feel what you're saying though. i feel like my efforts have always just made things worse for me, too.
i'm sorry you're struggling as well.

 

[GWAI]

i'm actually also a dropout. i originally went to college in 2021, all the way in a different state, and for engineering. but was forced to drop bc my dad refused to support me financially after he found out i started hrt at college. and also, admittedly, i was struggling terribly with class.

since moving home, i've been a shut-in for years, despite my best efforts not to be. i can't work bc i'm disabled, so it's even especially harder for me to find something. and i've lost all the community i've had over the years and only become more isolated.

i'm only taking this one art class at a local community college because it's something for me to do, and art is the only thing i really have anymore.

i feel what you're saying though. i feel like my efforts have always just made things worse for me, too.
i'm sorry you're struggling as well.

Na it's alr, it's interesting how our situations are pretty similar, which is like no shit tho since everyone here likely has similar situation
What your dad did was messed up

The reason I dropped out was cuz of some stupid video call drama; I got doxxed kek

I lost my family and friends, so I can relate to the isolation. The isolation sucks.

It's good to have something to care about

 

[Kokonoe]

it got worse.
i went to my 2nd day of class, even though i didn't want to. late again. extremely stressful and difficult just getting there and back.
i somehow made even more of an embarrassment of myself than last time. i didn't think i could even manage that, but i did. and i'm fucking stupid for saying "i'm not that behind in skill level". ofc i am. i couldn't do any of it today. it reached a point where i just had no fuckin clue how to even approach what i was told to do. so i just sat there, sketchbooks closed, head down on the table, trying my best to be invisible for 2 and a half hours. it didn't work obviously. everyone was just staring at me. it made me so uncomfortable. i don't know what the fuck i did to deserve to be looked at like that. i wish i could just be told what i was doing wrong even. i couldn't stand being looked at like that. it made me so fucking scared and uncomfortable. i feel like everyone there thinks i'm some sort of fucking creep or pervert or something when i'm just trying my best to do what i'm told and make my presence as small as possible. i don't feel like i'm doing anything at all. but somehow i keep fucking everything up.
i eventually just got up and left the room. and just sat in public and started cutting myself. i didn't even care anymore. nothing mattered.

i feel like such a fucking waste. i wasted money on college again. i have to drop out a second fucking time, which is just so fucking pathetic. it's so fucking pathetic and upsetting that i can't even do this much. i can't even just sit in a room for 2 and a half hours without fucking it all up somehow. if i can't handle that, what the fuck am i supposed to be able to handle? nothing.
i am so, so fucking far behind in skill and just even basic creativity or thought that it makes me feel like i have no soul. it felt like that's the realization i've finally come to. it really is all my fault. i really am completely worthless. i am lesser than everyone around me. i am not even the same species as anyone around me. i'm subhuman. i'm subhuman with no soul. no wonder i can't fit in anywhere. no wonder everyone looks at me like that. no wonder i fuck everything up. i was born lesser. i was born useless. it's all my fault. it's impossible for me to ever re-enter the world. i understand that now. i give up. i'll never leave home again.

i even keep fucking things up for myself, too. art was the last hobby i had. i lost everything else. got bullied out of every community i've been in and all the things i once cared about and enjoyed so much now just cause me immeasurable pain, and i can't go back to any of those things now, even if i wanted to, even if my pain wasn't there. now i've been forced to realize that i'm useless. i'm taking the basic fundamentals class and i don't even have the prerequisite knowledge and skill for the fundamentals. i'm fucking useless. someone like me will never get better. i see that so clearly now. i can't learn. i'm useless. i can't enjoy it anymore. i've ruined my last remaining hobby for myself. the only thing i had left is gone and i completely fucked it up for myself. now it makes me sad just like the rest. what am i even supposed to do with myself now.

i don't even know what to do moving forward, aside from die. i'm terrified of dropping out for real because my parents will scream at me and worse. i can't just stop going because there's cameras at my door and if i don't leave for class, they'll know and i'll get yelled at. but if i go to class i end up humiliating myself even more. i can't handle that anymore, it's too much. i can't do it. i don't know what to do.
i have nothing left. nothing to look forward to. nothing to do with myself. no more hobbies or passions. 0 friends or people that care about me or even just people i can talk to. complete social isolation. and no hope for things ever getting better. i can never leave home again. there really is no other option for me than death now. i wish ctb wasn't so hard. SI always kicks my ass. if it didn't i would be dead right now. i'll try as soon as i can. i promise i'll die soon. i promise you i will. i promise.