Kokonoe
Worthless Doll
- Apr 20, 2023
- 253
title. i had been putting what last bit of hope i had into whether or not starting art classes changed anything in my life. because i really have nothing else. and today i had my first class, and i already want to give up.
i felt like i was embarrassing myself the whole time. i can't even leave home anymore without feeling that way the entire time. i was so anxious the entire time. it took all my willpower not to break down crying or start talking to myself.
i was the last one to show up. i didn't realize until much later but somehow my bra got fucked up and my tits were just visible through my shirt the whole time and i couldn't tell, i must've looked like a fucking idiot. we had to briefly draw and add some basic info about ourselves and then like, trade our art with someone as a first day ice breaker kinda thing. and i hate showing people my art, so that already made me feel awful, sharing anything about myself makes me feel even more like a complete embarrassment. and i just sat there alone, unable to interact with anyone else around me. and when finally pushed to do so i just froze up and couldn't speak. i was like completely confused and didn't even know what to do. i'm so useless.
when the actual drawing started it was fine. i started to relax a bit. the professor used my work as a positive example of technique and he even complemented my style, saying he liked how soft i make my art look. that was nice. i thankfully don't feel too behind my peers in that regard at least, although i do a little bit. my creativity and posing is completely lacking.
after class all i could think about was suicide. all i wanted to do was go home and hang. go home and cut every part of my body i can. cut my neck clean open. i wanted to hurt myself so bad. i had to ask my only friend to come over because i knew i couldn't stay safe.
i already don't want to go back. it feels pointless. this changes nothing in my life. and just makes me feel even more like i don't belong in the world. i feel like people who were isolated like me can never re-enter the world at all. i try and try but it's just impossible now. already my classmates were getting along with each other and connecting but i can't do that. i'm still the freak that shouldn't be there. i can't be out in the world at all. i have to stay home and die.
listening to everyone talk just made me so sad. everyone else is so different. watching them almost like compare all the things they've done or have going on in their lives just made me angry for some reason. if you've seen american pyscho, do you know how everyone in that movie brags about the reservations they would get at fancy restaurants, or their business cards, or other mundane things like that? and that's just their form of socialization? just constantly trying to show off and one up each other to move up the social hierarchy? it felt like listening to the same thing as that. these people are completely different from me, i will never be able to connect with anyone. this whole thing just makes me feel so isolated and alone, more than i already do. it makes me feel ashamed to even be alive. i don't want to leave the house anymore. i want to give up. it changes nothing. and i couldn't even handle this much, anyways..
i'll still have no friends. i'll still have nothing to do with myself. my life will still be empty. there's no point. i should just die. i have nothing else to look forward to or wait for now.
i felt like i was embarrassing myself the whole time. i can't even leave home anymore without feeling that way the entire time. i was so anxious the entire time. it took all my willpower not to break down crying or start talking to myself.
i was the last one to show up. i didn't realize until much later but somehow my bra got fucked up and my tits were just visible through my shirt the whole time and i couldn't tell, i must've looked like a fucking idiot. we had to briefly draw and add some basic info about ourselves and then like, trade our art with someone as a first day ice breaker kinda thing. and i hate showing people my art, so that already made me feel awful, sharing anything about myself makes me feel even more like a complete embarrassment. and i just sat there alone, unable to interact with anyone else around me. and when finally pushed to do so i just froze up and couldn't speak. i was like completely confused and didn't even know what to do. i'm so useless.
when the actual drawing started it was fine. i started to relax a bit. the professor used my work as a positive example of technique and he even complemented my style, saying he liked how soft i make my art look. that was nice. i thankfully don't feel too behind my peers in that regard at least, although i do a little bit. my creativity and posing is completely lacking.
after class all i could think about was suicide. all i wanted to do was go home and hang. go home and cut every part of my body i can. cut my neck clean open. i wanted to hurt myself so bad. i had to ask my only friend to come over because i knew i couldn't stay safe.
i already don't want to go back. it feels pointless. this changes nothing in my life. and just makes me feel even more like i don't belong in the world. i feel like people who were isolated like me can never re-enter the world at all. i try and try but it's just impossible now. already my classmates were getting along with each other and connecting but i can't do that. i'm still the freak that shouldn't be there. i can't be out in the world at all. i have to stay home and die.
listening to everyone talk just made me so sad. everyone else is so different. watching them almost like compare all the things they've done or have going on in their lives just made me angry for some reason. if you've seen american pyscho, do you know how everyone in that movie brags about the reservations they would get at fancy restaurants, or their business cards, or other mundane things like that? and that's just their form of socialization? just constantly trying to show off and one up each other to move up the social hierarchy? it felt like listening to the same thing as that. these people are completely different from me, i will never be able to connect with anyone. this whole thing just makes me feel so isolated and alone, more than i already do. it makes me feel ashamed to even be alive. i don't want to leave the house anymore. i want to give up. it changes nothing. and i couldn't even handle this much, anyways..
i'll still have no friends. i'll still have nothing to do with myself. my life will still be empty. there's no point. i should just die. i have nothing else to look forward to or wait for now.
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