The Great Below
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty š„
- May 19, 2022
- 13
My weekends are continuously full of forced connection between my husband who is not actually a good person and I'm very terrified of him and I'm thinking of killing myself again I just wanted to be over every weekend I am in such physical pain for what my doctors think is fibromyalgia I just wanted to go away I want the pain to go away I want the fear of him to go away he's never physically hurt me but he does things to me psychologically all the time and even the kids things are really overwhelming with my children like my husband told us that our 17 year old reported us to CPS apparently at least he told texted she did to her biological mom just because she's not getting her way but I don't even know if I can believe him it's always a struggle there's just so much conflict in my home and I am crumbling under the pain of my body and my mind I am in so much physical pain I'm just trying to breathe and Pace myself and my whole body feels like it's on fire and I finally set up in bed and I hate it I've been up for 4 hours just laying in bed crying shaking just wishing that I had so many to love me and I just want to die I just want to die I just wanted to existing and strength to kill myself do you need anything can kill myself I sadly don't get to be so lucky to feel peace I have to take care of everybody I need to get up and take me dog out my husband is going to be home soon I know that the kids are all up to make sure that they did their laundry you have to do all of these things my body is just killing me she would actually kill me I wish I could just die I just want to tired of my life to be over so lonely I don't have a mom I just wish I could have a mommy to hold me and make me feel loved but I have nothing my mom showed me my inability to ever be loved and I should have known from the start because she did my mom did teach me that nobody could love me and now with this pain it really is a death sentence with my husband I am going to die with him he is going to be my death sentence never yearned so deeply for death because I do I do I just want it so bad I want to feel my body fading and the peace embracing it the comforting Embrace of death just taking me in and holding me close feeling everything leaving my body all the pain all the suffering everything going away I'm just so afraid of being alive being alone so alone for years now and it is killing me and as this pain grows the depth of my suffering amplifies I just wish I could be nothing and feel nothing just not exist I just wish I could be erased but wishing doesn't do much sadly
