AtTheEnd
New Member
- Apr 1, 2026
- 1
This is probably going to be a longer rant. I just wanted to write down my thoughts and share them.
I am currently 25M. I never really had any friends and have never been in a relationship.
When I was still in school, the handful of friends I did have basically bullied me. But I still stuck around with them because I had no one else.
When I was around 17, I got to a new school. They decided to go on a one week ski trip with all the new classes, and I was incredibly excited. I had never been skiing before, but that didn't matter because they offered a crash course. Well, as it turns out, I'm pretty terrible at skiing and couldn't really do anything. On day two, someone hurt themselves, and they decided that anyone who couldn't ski wouldn't be allowed to go out. That was me, and no one else. So while everyone else was out, having fun, and getting to know each other, I was stuck in my room. And then, out of the blue, one of my old friends decided to contact me and say some very nasty things.
I often think about this week because it was the first time I ever wanted to CTB. I told myself that I wouldn't do that until I had reached my 25th birthday. That way, there would be enough time for me to finish school, get through college, start working, and, of course, for things to "get better".
The rest of my school life there was pretty awful as well, but overall better than at my last school. I remained optimistic and was pretty excited for college. A lot of people say it was some of the best years of their lives. In 2020, I enrolled, and you might already guess where this is going. COVID hit, and I spent the first four semesters studying from home, all alone. After that, I got to meet a few new people, but it never seemed to go beyond small talk and talking about college.
I also had to do a mandatory internship during college, and I made a pretty awful realization: I fucking HATE working. Not the work I'm doing per se, but having to sit at my desk for half the day and remain focused just really messes with me. Like, when you're doing college work, you can just take a break for a few hours or a day and resume later. But with work, you're just forced to sit at a desk for half a day, and that's that.
After I got my Bachelor's, I decided to get my Master's. I met a few new people again, but it never went beyond just small talk and talking about college before and after classes. Also, most of them were always busy working at the time.
After I got my Master's, I sadly had to start working. I applied for a position at my old company, but they didn't take me because they're struggling financially. After months of searching and dozens of applications sent, I was lucky to find a new position.
The pay is mediocre considering my profession and grades, but that's not the worst part. At my old job, I only had to work 35 hours per week and drive for 15 minutes. Now I have to work 40 hours and drive for an hour. So I basically lose almost three extra hours every day. Having to pay 200€ for gas each month also stings.
I have been miserable for the past couple of years, but these last few weeks have been a completely new level of awful. I have been searching for an apartment in a larger city, which would cut my travel time in half, but the housing market is incredibly fucked, so I'm just stuck living with my parents.
And so here we are. I have already Chosen an exact time and place, though I havent figured out where to order the SN from. I occasionally think that I don't really want to do it, but I doubt things are going to get better when they have never even been good to begin with, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. Talk to someone? The only people I have in my life are my parents, and when I tried to talk to them about it a couple of years ago, they just got dismissive. Therapy? Getting into therapy here in Germany is an absolute joke. If you try, they will put you on a 6–12 month waiting list before you even really get to see anyone. Bonus points if your therapist is shit and you have to redo the process.
I always tried to be more of an outgoing person and never declined invitations. One thing that I've come to accept is that sometimes you just lose, and that's that. So yeah, that's it, really.
If you made it this far, I just wanted to thank you for suffering through my rant <3. It was nice putting my thoughts together into a text. I have been lurking in this forum for a couple of months, but this is my first post. I'm also free to chat, I guess.
I am currently 25M. I never really had any friends and have never been in a relationship.
When I was still in school, the handful of friends I did have basically bullied me. But I still stuck around with them because I had no one else.
When I was around 17, I got to a new school. They decided to go on a one week ski trip with all the new classes, and I was incredibly excited. I had never been skiing before, but that didn't matter because they offered a crash course. Well, as it turns out, I'm pretty terrible at skiing and couldn't really do anything. On day two, someone hurt themselves, and they decided that anyone who couldn't ski wouldn't be allowed to go out. That was me, and no one else. So while everyone else was out, having fun, and getting to know each other, I was stuck in my room. And then, out of the blue, one of my old friends decided to contact me and say some very nasty things.
I often think about this week because it was the first time I ever wanted to CTB. I told myself that I wouldn't do that until I had reached my 25th birthday. That way, there would be enough time for me to finish school, get through college, start working, and, of course, for things to "get better".
The rest of my school life there was pretty awful as well, but overall better than at my last school. I remained optimistic and was pretty excited for college. A lot of people say it was some of the best years of their lives. In 2020, I enrolled, and you might already guess where this is going. COVID hit, and I spent the first four semesters studying from home, all alone. After that, I got to meet a few new people, but it never seemed to go beyond small talk and talking about college.
I also had to do a mandatory internship during college, and I made a pretty awful realization: I fucking HATE working. Not the work I'm doing per se, but having to sit at my desk for half the day and remain focused just really messes with me. Like, when you're doing college work, you can just take a break for a few hours or a day and resume later. But with work, you're just forced to sit at a desk for half a day, and that's that.
After I got my Bachelor's, I decided to get my Master's. I met a few new people again, but it never went beyond just small talk and talking about college before and after classes. Also, most of them were always busy working at the time.
After I got my Master's, I sadly had to start working. I applied for a position at my old company, but they didn't take me because they're struggling financially. After months of searching and dozens of applications sent, I was lucky to find a new position.
The pay is mediocre considering my profession and grades, but that's not the worst part. At my old job, I only had to work 35 hours per week and drive for 15 minutes. Now I have to work 40 hours and drive for an hour. So I basically lose almost three extra hours every day. Having to pay 200€ for gas each month also stings.
I have been miserable for the past couple of years, but these last few weeks have been a completely new level of awful. I have been searching for an apartment in a larger city, which would cut my travel time in half, but the housing market is incredibly fucked, so I'm just stuck living with my parents.
And so here we are. I have already Chosen an exact time and place, though I havent figured out where to order the SN from. I occasionally think that I don't really want to do it, but I doubt things are going to get better when they have never even been good to begin with, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. Talk to someone? The only people I have in my life are my parents, and when I tried to talk to them about it a couple of years ago, they just got dismissive. Therapy? Getting into therapy here in Germany is an absolute joke. If you try, they will put you on a 6–12 month waiting list before you even really get to see anyone. Bonus points if your therapist is shit and you have to redo the process.
I always tried to be more of an outgoing person and never declined invitations. One thing that I've come to accept is that sometimes you just lose, and that's that. So yeah, that's it, really.
If you made it this far, I just wanted to thank you for suffering through my rant <3. It was nice putting my thoughts together into a text. I have been lurking in this forum for a couple of months, but this is my first post. I'm also free to chat, I guess.
