Venting insomnia since suicide date is near unless i postpone again

[eggsausagerice]

i'm going to watch some movies in the theater next week, then i don't have any real plan and can do my sn protocol once i've settled everything between friends. i'll never have everything ready and i won't be able to sell everything i own as intended to avoid having nothing in my room if i survive my attempt and have to do it a second time if something fails or i get caught by someone.

is anyone else dealing with this, or do they actually feel calm? i've just been thinking about it in the back of my mind and it makes me more and more restless, since any time i feel like i'm torn between how hopeless my life feels and how i have to act like everything's fine so i'm not 51/50ed by anyone i know. it fucking sucks. i don't even get have a way to destress so i just lay comatose on my phone because i'm freaked out all the time. i'm always freaked out, so i zone out, so i'm not able to focus on anything otherwise i feel anxious about what's been stressing me out.

i'm also just worried about being replaceable because i've been spending more time with my friends to show them i liked them before i killed myself. but i know worrying about people that will forget about me in a few years and my situationships that left me for other people won't make me feel better. if i just think about being left behind and how much fun they'll have with the people they replace me with, i'll just feel worse about myself. i don't have any dreams or aspirations. i'm 21, i live in a suburb that makes me miserable, and i have no future because i have no money, talent, or smarts that would lead to me being successful. i can't drive and i'm too miserable and anxious to go back to college. people still look at me and think i'm a kid even though i'm 21 now, but high schoolers think i'm old enough to be called ma'am now. what i want the most is to not be anxious about what might happen in the future anymore, but i only feel like that if i'm on sleeping medication or drunk. i always have a look on my face that reads as afraid or nervous someone's going to yell at me. i don't want to stay here.

 

[Pluto]

 

[never mind me]

I think I could never feel calm, if I plan ctb so far in advance. It would be super stressful. At the most I would pick a date that is just like the next day or the day after and just do it. Everything else would be way too stressful. Why would I wish to have so much time to secondguess my decision? And if I really want to die why would I not try to do it asap?

 

[eggsausagerice]

I think I could never feel calm, if I plan ctb so far in advance. It would be super stressful. At the most I would pick a date that is just like the next day or the day after and just do it. Everything else would be way too stressful. Why would I wish to have so much time to secondguess my decision? And if I really want to die why would I not try to do it asap?

my method (sn) is something you need to prep for even if the shortest time is one day to fast and take antiemetics in advance. i also think it's natural for people to set a date in the future because they still have a life and obligations while dealing with their suicidal ideation. i used to think i would kill myself whenever i could when i felt extremely miserable, but i still have things i want to do like watch movies in a theater to be able to enjoy something before i die for real.

i think that no one can actually commit suicide asap or the next day because it inherently requires a lot of contemplation. it requires a lot of mental distress or intoxication to do a suicide attempt impulsively. if it were easy, people with a method or location in mind would already be dead. it's a process for everyone that deals with suicidal thoughts and i've talked about it with other people on the forum who have felt the same way as me and struggle with their choice. you're allowed to have your own opinion, but i hope you understand my mindset more after i explained it. i don't think that having a week or longer than that before i can go through my method is making me secondguess myself, since i have more time to be sure about my choice. one of the reasons i don't plan on making a goodbye thread or posting on the forum if i do attempt is because it's easy to be influenced by other people or feel guilt for not attempting.

i've been talking about this a bit with my friends and other fans. i still follow chiikawa news very closely so i had the same reaction as most US fans when i realized the movie's release wasn't coming to the US until it gets announced. i was also thinking about the madoka magica walipurgisnacht rising movie coming to the US in the fall, but i think it's too far in the future for me.

 

[Pluto]

i was also thinking about the madoka magica walipurgisnacht rising movie coming to the US in the fall, but i think it's too far in the future for me.

 

[kompyany]

Oh my God, I have the same mindset as you. I actually planned to die this summer—I made up my mind around May—and that very mindset is exactly what's keeping me alive today. There are several reasons. I was in a depressive relapse at the time, so I could only lie in bed and couldn't take any action.I'm extremely perfectionistic; I kept thinking that if I were going to die, I had to get everything in order—but my procrastination completely ruined my suicide plan for that beautiful summer. I still had traces of my social media accounts across many platforms, and cleaning them all would take an enormous amount of time, which just overwhelmed me. my preparations for suicide were seriously inadequate—information about it is hard to find in my area, and getting SN is nearly impossible.
I'm extremely anxious. I don't want to live anymore, and every single day feels unbearably painful.
（I'm not a native English speaker, so my word choice might be a bit odd.）

 

[Yakui]

i was also thinking about the madoka magica walipurgisnacht rising movie coming to the US in the fall, but i think it's too far in the future for me.

wont be as good as seeing it on the big screen, but there will prob be a fansubbed upload of it to nyaa torrents quicker than itll come out in murica.
dont have anything else to say abt the thread unfortunately as all of my suicide attempts have been impulsive, and while i somewhat have a plan in place, i dont have the materials to impliment it yet.

i'm also just worried about being replaceable because i've been spending more time with my friends to show them i liked them before i killed myself. but i know worrying about people that will forget about me in a few years and my situationships that left me for other people won't make me feel better.

im guessing youre moreso talking abt people irl, which obv i dont know you irl, but ill miss you man.

 

[eggsausagerice]

wont be as good as seeing it on the big screen, but there will prob be a fansubbed upload of it to nyaa torrents quicker than itll come out in murica.

rubbing my hands evilly together rn. i'm the only person i know with a madoka fixation so it would be pog if i could watch it online. but if the only thing i can find online is shitty camrips like when the backrooms first came out i'll tweak LOL. i think it would make front page news if there was a planned us release, but they usually do those a few months after the unsubbed movie.

im guessing youre moreso talking abt people irl, which obv i dont know you irl, but ill miss you man.

thank you for thinking of me even though we don't really talk lol



i'm being totally honest that since i don't have any loved ones in my life besides my immediate family i would only postpone my suicide for movies. i haven't told anyone because i would sound crazy. i'm not employed or in college bc i'm too dysfunctional so i just think about movies or watching videos on my phone. my mom is obviously very disappointed in me being a chud son, so i feel guilty but don't have an excuse to leave the house when it's always 100 degrees. i've been watching a lot of movies recently since i know i won't be able to soon.

 

[Yakui]

rubbing my hands evilly together rn. i'm the only person i know with a madoka fixation so it would be pog if i could watch it online. but if the only thing i can find online is shitty camrips like when the backrooms first came out i'll tweak LOL. i think it would make front page news if there was a planned us release, but they usually do those a few months after the unsubbed movie.

i dont think youll have a shite camrip, i recall when the latest girls und panzer movie came out, nyaa had it on there, good quality and w fansubs really quick

i'm being totally honest that since i don't have any loved ones in my life besides my immediate family i would only postpone my suicide for movies. i haven't told anyone because i would sound crazy. i'm not employed or in college bc i'm too dysfunctional so i just think about movies or watching videos on my phone. my mom is obviously very disappointed in me being a chud son, so i feel guilty but don't have an excuse to leave the house when it's always 100 degrees. i've been watching a lot of movies recently since i know i won't be able to soon.

nah i get what you mean. i postpone doing anything abt suicide due to seemingly inane reasons too. like "oh this concert is happening soon, i wanna go before i die" or "ah this is playing in the cinema, i wanna see it" or even if its not an irl thing, "ah well i guess if i died now id never be able to finish this anime or watch this or etc."
ive been watching more anime, mainly bc i have started taking benzos more so instead of having a constant layer of anxiety distracting me i can just kick back, relax and not think abt shit for a few hours while watching something.
since you mentioned madoka, honestly i didnt like it when i first saw it, but i was a dumbass kid at the time who had just seen evangelion, walked into madoka just expecting it to be like evangelion, and then was just annoyed that it wasnt evangelion. was a dumbass who didnt give it a fair shot, ive been meaning to watch it again, i think ill appreciate it more nowadays than i did back in the day.

thank you for thinking of me even though we don't really talk lol

yeah im just built that way. one of gods own prototypes. a high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. too weird to live, too rare to die (unfortunately).