Resource A tool for determining what is and isn't working in a relationship

[GoodPersonEffed]

I got this tool from social work researcher/storyteller Brené Brown. I'm always guarded when someone becomes a superstar in pop-culture, so I won't be hurt if you're not into this or want to roll your eyes, because I know I've been sharing a lot of her stuff lately. I myself am rolling my eyes at the tool's acronym, as well as where Brené gave this particular talk (look it up yourself, I'm too embarrassed, and I almost threw out the baby with the bathwater because of it).

I'm sharing this because I've found no flaws in it, and it's really helped me to critically analyze when a relationship is working and when it's not, whether on the other person's end, my end, or both. I added a few notes of my own in addition to what I got from her, because it builds on other philosophies from which I've learned and have proven to me to be of value. I'm cool if you eye-roll at how I've integrated my other current favorite subjects of Stoic philosophy, ancient secular Buddhist philosophy, and the psycho-social construct of boundaries (but in this conversation, almost all of the boundary stuff is from Brené and is integral to the subject). If you want only Brené's words, you can look up Brené Brown trust and/or braving on YouTube.



What's working or not working in a relationship? It's about mutual, reciprocal trust, and the acronym (eye-roll) is BRAVING:

BOUNDARIES RESPECTED

• Boundaries - what's okay and what's not okay​
• Respect, value and guard your own as well as the other person's​
• Maintaining boundaries keeps one from becoming resentful for letting people get away with things​
• "Research shows that the most compassionate people are the most boundaried" (she didn't share the research, but I find this is true in personal experience, and it relates to the previous point -- it's hard to feel compassionate from a place of resentment or condemnation)​
• Assume people are doing their best (and recognize when their best may be harmful and require boundaries against their behaviors, even up to no contact). Generosity can't exist without boundaries (in fact the Five Precepts of Buddhism* are acts of generosity that recognize, respect, and honor others' boundaries).​

​

RELIABILITY

• Are you showing up when and how you say you will? Are they?

ACCOUNTABILITY

• Do you and they hold each other accountable, and when in error, each own your own actions, apologize, and make amends?

VAULT

• What I share with you, you hold in confidence
• What you share with me, I hold in confidence
• What others share with you, you hold in confidence from me
• Watch out for making friendships based on hating and condemning others rather than being mutually supportive, such as holding each other in accountability and encouraging each other in integrity

INTEGRITY

• Strive to act from this place
• Encourage me to act from this place
• Integrity is:
  • practicing values, not just professing them
  • choosing courage over comfort (sometimes it's easier to not practice values, and may take courage to practice them)
  • choosing what's right over what's easy, fast, or fun
• In Stoicism, integrity is akin to having virtues and making the choice to pursue acting virtuously, the point of which, according to Epictetus, is for life to flow more smoothly. This relates to the comment under BOUNDARIES RESPECTED about how the Five Precepts are acts of generosity because they recognize, respect, and honor boundaries, which makes life flow more smoothly -- and safely -- for all.
• In the earliest written Buddhist texts, originally passed through oral transmission and attributed to Gautama Buddha, beings have their intentional actions (karma) as their refuge or shelter. Actions distinguish beings as inferior and superior, which can impact current and future conditions. Someone who acts from integrity, values, and virtues, and encourages those close to them to do the same, is conscious of building and maintaining a strong refuge or shelter (though in life, whenever there is a boundary [and the source of this assertion is the book Boundaries], there is someone who will always seek to breach and/or destroy it. That's why it's important to build and maintain boundaries with as much strength an awareness as possible, and in human relations, that strength has the strongest foundations when based on values and virtues, and awareness is increased when we have someone on our side pointing out our weaknesses and blind spots).
• Another word for integrity is wholeness -- when one acts in wholeness and their wholeness is respected, they have a refuge or shelter. Good relationships reciprocally protect and reinforce one's shelters.

NON-JUDGMENT

• We each are allowed to fall apart, struggle, and ask for help without judgment

GENEROSITY

• Assume the most generous things about each other's words, intentions, and behaviors, and then check it out (e.g., "I expected you at a certain time but you didn't show up. I assume something happened that prevented you from calling me to let me know. But I'm curious, what happened?")
• Do you always assume the worst intentions behind the other person's actions? Is it because they have a track record of acting without integrity/acting with bad intentions, or because of issues external to them? Is it genuinely on them and therefore they don't deserve your trust and a boundary is required, or are you putting it on them when they haven't earned it?
• Vulnerability is inherently uncomfortable and can feel weak/weakening, even though we all are vulnerable and experience vulnerabilities. Two possible responses are blaming and courageousness. Courageousness is responding to being vulnerable from a place of strength. Blaming discharges discomfort, pain, and fear, but it is not always accurate. Therefore, it can be courageous to be curious and ask questions rather than to blame, and is an act of vulnerability that can lead to mutual trust, understanding and respect.
  • Brene gave an example in a different video about leadership of a supervisor telling an employee: "I see that this didn't happen, and I admit that my first inclination was to blame you for not doing x, y, z. What really happened?" And the employee said, "I've been trying to do x, y, and z all along, and here's evidence of that. Then something external beyond my control happened, and I'd like to explain it so we can focus on that and try to resolve it."
  • In another video, Brene gave the example of two football teams in which both have injured star quarterbacks: do you bet on the team that uses the injured quarterback who has a strong track record but may not be able to deliver, or do you bet on the team that uses the second-string quarterback and relies on the entire team to work together to overcome the vulnerabilities (which also relates to non-judgment and being allowed to fall apart, struggle, and ask for help)?
  • Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, creativity, and innovation

* No killing; no lying; no stealing; no sexual misconduct; no intoxicants that lower one's inhibitions against harming others, against harming the self, or against allowing others the access or ability to harm the self

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I'm very immature so "FART" always makes me snigger:-)