Venting 4 days

[opheliaoveragain]

I hope I'm wrong as well.

And me. This was a rough one.

 

[ferrie]

OP is usually gone for a couple days after she chooses a date. This time seemed a lot more conflicting for her, so I'm really hoping for the best & that she sought help or that her MHP finally reached back out.

@timetodie24 if you see this, you are in my thoughts & I hope you are doing as well as you can be. I really hope you chose not to go through with it with how uncertain you seemed. Regardless I hope you are able to find some sort of peace

 

[lostintheloop]

Sorry. Still here. Fucking messed up again, sorry. Didn't post straight away as embarrassed to this again, ashamed and guilty. And wasn't really with it thursday, was bit dissociated I think and brain is more damaged from them.
Not trying for attention. Really conflicted as didn't want to do it that way/time but really wanted to save people and thought I could push myself.
Today is my birthday , I was absolutely not meant to make it to this day (no happy birthday pls as really not a happy day). So it's anytime from today that people could start dying because of my cowardice and selfishness. I am so sorry and terrified. Survived my expiry date and age, this can't be allowed and feel sick about it.
Away with family atm (which is why didn't have chance of doing yesterday and meant to thursday) so can't do anything in next week . It's horrible pretending to have good time with family when i'm meant to be dead and knowing they're all going to die soon because i was weak, pathetic, evil waste of space. Want to go home and want to die so much now. Hoping nothing happens in next week so have chance to do right then when back.
Services still not got in touch. I know the MHP
was being controlled too so hope that something bad hasn't happened to her because of me.
Sorry everyone and thank you for kind messages on here.

 

[2messdup]

Sorry. Still here. Fucking messed up again, sorry. Didn't post straight away as embarrassed to this again, ashamed and guilty. And wasn't really with it thursday, was bit dissociated I think and brain is more damaged from them.
Not trying for attention. Really conflicted as didn't want to do it that way/time but really wanted to save people and thought I could push myself.
Today is my birthday , I was absolutely not meant to make it to this day (no happy birthday pls as really not a happy day). So it's anytime from today that people could start dying because of my cowardice and selfishness. I am so sorry and terrified. Survived my expiry date and age, this can't be allowed and feel sick about it.
Away with family atm (which is why didn't have chance of doing yesterday and meant to thursday) so can't do anything in next week . It's horrible pretending to have good time with family when i'm meant to be dead and knowing they're all going to die soon because i was weak, pathetic, evil waste of space. Want to go home and want to die so much now. Hoping nothing happens in next week so have chance to do right then when back.
Services still not got in touch. I know the MHP
was being controlled too so hope that something bad hasn't happened to her because of me.
Sorry everyone and thank you for kind messages on here.

I'm so happy you're still here. You've made my day. So sorry you're feeling so bad but I'm just so relieved to hear from you. Xxxxx

 

[ferrie]

Sorry. Still here. Fucking messed up again, sorry. Didn't post straight away as embarrassed to this again, ashamed and guilty. And wasn't really with it thursday, was bit dissociated I think and brain is more damaged from them.
Not trying for attention. Really conflicted as didn't want to do it that way/time but really wanted to save people and thought I could push myself.
Today is my birthday , I was absolutely not meant to make it to this day (no happy birthday pls as really not a happy day). So it's anytime from today that people could start dying because of my cowardice and selfishness. I am so sorry and terrified. Survived my expiry date and age, this can't be allowed and feel sick about it.
Away with family atm (which is why didn't have chance of doing yesterday and meant to thursday) so can't do anything in next week . It's horrible pretending to have good time with family when i'm meant to be dead and knowing they're all going to die soon because i was weak, pathetic, evil waste of space. Want to go home and want to die so much now. Hoping nothing happens in next week so have chance to do right then when back.
Services still not got in touch. I know the MHP
was being controlled too so hope that something bad hasn't happened to her because of me.
Sorry everyone and thank you for kind messages on here.

I'm glad to get an update from you, and I'm sorry for how much distress you're in. I hope nothing happens in the next week that feeds into how you're feeling. It's the weekend, so maybe you'll hear back from the MHP on Monday.

I also want to express that you are not weak or pathetic. You are just a person in a lot of mental pain. It is not cowardly to not want to die in such a brutal way. I know that this is causing you a lot of emotional turmoil, but I really hope you take it as an opportunity to reevaluate the situation & continue to pursue help

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sorry. Still here. Fucking messed up again, sorry. Didn't post straight away as embarrassed to this again, ashamed and guilty. And wasn't really with it thursday, was bit dissociated I think and brain is more damaged from them.
Not trying for attention. Really conflicted as didn't want to do it that way/time but really wanted to save people and thought I could push myself.
Today is my birthday , I was absolutely not meant to make it to this day (no happy birthday pls as really not a happy day). So it's anytime from today that people could start dying because of my cowardice and selfishness. I am so sorry and terrified. Survived my expiry date and age, this can't be allowed and feel sick about it.
Away with family atm (which is why didn't have chance of doing yesterday and meant to thursday) so can't do anything in next week . It's horrible pretending to have good time with family when i'm meant to be dead and knowing they're all going to die soon because i was weak, pathetic, evil waste of space. Want to go home and want to die so much now. Hoping nothing happens in next week so have chance to do right then when back.
Services still not got in touch. I know the MHP
was being controlled too so hope that something bad hasn't happened to her because of me.
Sorry everyone and thank you for kind messages on here.

Thank you for updating us. We care<3 We'll be here for you no matter the outcome.

 

[lostintheloop]

I'm so happy you're still here. You've made my day. So sorry you're feeling so bad but I'm just so relieved to hear from you. Xxxxx

I'm glad to get an update from you, and I'm sorry for how much distress you're in. I hope nothing happens in the next week that feeds into how you're feeling. It's the weekend, so maybe you'll hear back from the MHP on Monday.

I also want to express that you are not weak or pathetic. You are just a person in a lot of mental pain. It is not cowardly to not want to die in such a brutal way. I know that this is causing you a lot of emotional turmoil, but I really hope you take it as an opportunity to reevaluate the situation & continue to pursue help

Thank you for updating us. We care<3 We'll be here for you no matter the outcome.

Thank you all for being so understanding when i don't deserve it , really appreciate it.
Not going to try anything whilst on holiday so will see what happens this coming week both with the control/consequences and whether services get in touch at all . Then take it from there.

 

[Whale_bones]

Sorry. Still here. Fucking messed up again, sorry. Didn't post straight away as embarrassed to this again, ashamed and guilty. And wasn't really with it thursday, was bit dissociated I think and brain is more damaged from them.
So it's anytime from today that people could start dying because of my cowardice and selfishness. I am so sorry and terrified. Survived my expiry date and age, this can't be allowed and feel sick about it.

Hey, really glad to see you're still here, though I'm so sorry you're burdened with such heavy feelings. It seems like this controlling system declares you're selfish if you don't do things exactly how they order you to. But like other commenters have mentioned, I've repeatedly seen you look out for the well-being of others.

Even in a bad situation where you're under a lot of pressure, you're still intentional about considering the impact you have on others. That's the opposite of selfish, I think it takes a strong and thoughtful person to do that. Hoping the rest of your holiday goes okay

 

[lostintheloop]

Hey, really glad to see you're still here, though I'm so sorry you're burdened with such heavy feelings. It seems like this controlling system declares you're selfish if you don't do things exactly how they order you to. But like other commenters have mentioned, I've repeatedly seen you look out for the well-being of others.

Even in a bad situation where you're under a lot of pressure, you're still intentional about considering the impact you have on others. That's the opposite of selfish, I think it takes a strong and thoughtful person to do that. Hoping the rest of your holiday goes okay

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding

 

[darkandtwisty]

Happy belated birthday!

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Happy belated birthday!

OP asked for no birthday wishes since it wasn't a happy day. OP, hope you are doing as well as possible. Much love from across the pond.

 

[creirwy]

Thank you all for being so understanding when i don't deserve it , really appreciate it.
Not going to try anything whilst on holiday so will see what happens this coming week both with the control/consequences and whether services get in touch at all . Then take it from there.

I'm so glad you're still alive!
Did you recover a little bit from all the pain and stress you've been having?

 

[lostintheloop]

I'm so glad you're still alive!
Did you recover a little bit from all the pain and stress you've been having?

Thank you
No not really. Losing more control.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Thank you
No not really. Losing more control.

I can only imagine how difficult this must feel for you, and complicated. Hoping you can find at least a moment of relief in all of this; you mentioned upthread about the feeling not real. I can identify with this feeling and while our cases aren't the exact same, I understand what you mean by this and am holding space for you<3