Venting 4 days

[alltoomuch2]

Within next 3 days now . Well could still be 4 if I do it in AM of friday but better before.

No contact from services and closed for day. Another email to GP practice by a relative today. But there's no point . Clearly all signs agree with me.
I don't want anyone to get hurt but this has to end and clearly no options now then. Sorry

Noooo. Please don't listen to them. I dont listen to mine when he's telling me to do bad stuff, even though he's taken over most of my head. He's good for support and knows me best of anyone but I don't trust him to always do the right thing and you shouldn't trust yours.

 

[timetodie24]

Noooo. Please don't listen to them. I dont listen to mine when he's telling me to do bad stuff, even though he's taken over most of my head. He's good for support and knows me best of anyone but I don't trust him to always do the right thing and you shouldn't trust yours.

I can't let others die just so I can be a coward though

 

[alltoomuch2]

I can't let others die just so I can be a coward though

I can't let others die just so I can be a coward though

I don't know that they will do that. I think they're just trying to prove they can control you. But I only know my own and I only have one. Maybe 2 but haven't seen the second for a while and it never said anything.
Could you move your birthday to give mental health services more time to get in touch?

 

[timetodie24]

I don't know that they will do that. I think they're just trying to prove they can control you. But I only know my own and I only have one. Maybe 2 but haven't seen the second for a while and it never said anything.
Could you move your birthday to give mental health services more time to get in touch?

Sorry you have struggled with voices too.

I don't understand, sorry, how can I move my birthday ? I don't mean celebrations, not having any, just the actual day I was born which can't be moved ?

 

[alltoomuch2]

Sorry you have struggled with voices too.

I don't understand, sorry, how can I move my birthday ? I don't mean celebrations, not having any, just the actual day I was born which can't be moved ?

I can. Suppose it's easier because I don't have friends and live far from remaining family so no celebrations. It's more like I decide to have my birthday one day, rather than putting it off. But then there's the birthday when you came out into the world, and there's conception day when the egg and sperm got together, and the heart day when you first grew a heart before you were born. Many important days. But yeah, I can move my birthday. I just decide. I didn't know other people couldn't do that. That's a shame. I can have my birthday when it's the weather I like, and/or when I'm feeling good

 

[timetodie24]

I'm terrified and not sure if it's just SI or if I shouldnt be this scared. My other attempts I felt a lot calmer, obviously some nerves but I felt at peace with my decision. I feel so torn and not at peace with this 'decision' (not even my decision). I don't want to go like this but there is no other way now at all.

 

[Esokabat]

I know I will not convince you but there is a young woman with a Youtube channel called Living well with schizophrenia. She is a very intelligent woman just like you and she talked about what she is going through when she is in psychosis.
Her videos reminded me of many of the themes you are going through, she also thinks that helicopters are following and watching her, she also thinks that she has microchips that can be used for mind control, when she was hospitalized, she didn't want to eat the hospital food as she was convinced that the whole medical team was in on it and they put things into the food to be used as mind control. She hears the voices same as you and she will even asume that her boyfriend is in on it and also being controlled. She doesn't trust anyone during these events, including doctors, and believes that they are trying to control her, observe her, make her do things. I forgot what else she said but essentially it had many of the same themes, including even the helicopters. She also gets very paranoid during these periods, turns off location services on her phone as she is afraid that she will be located (by her loved ones).
The helicopters especially stood out for me as it was something you have also mentioned.
I know that you think that all of this is real. But consider this. Every single person who is going through psychosis think that what they experience is real.
There is no way to convince them otherwise.
By the way, this young lady with the Youtube channel takes medication and with medication, and therapy, she can go 2-3 years without being hospitalizad for a psychotic episode.
I don't know if you have access to private healthcare in the UK, since NHS clearly failed you. Bit if you do, I would really experiement with starting an anti-psychotic medication under medical supervision, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose. If nothing changes, then you have not lost anything by trying.
And if the voices stop, then you can re-evaluate the situation.
And if you want to CTB after that, with no voices, that is your free choice, you can make an informed decision.
I would give anti-psychosis medication a try with a private doctor. If nothing else, just out of pure curiousity.
What would be your conclusion if the anti-psychotic medications stop the voices?
I know this young lady in the Youtube channel missed a dose of her medication and ended up hospitalized with a psychotic episode. Helicopters and all.
If you have access to private healthcare, I would try this. You have nothing to lose and you would gain some extra information.
The fact that public health failed you is not an indication of anything. I lived in the UK for 5 years, I needed spinal fusion, NHS said I was completely fine (even though I was almost wheelchair bound and in constant pain), after a few years I got private health, they did the fusion surgery a month later, 4 metallic screws, no more pain, I can walk miles and miles. And according to NHS, I was perfectly fine. So don't trust this blindly in the medical institution. If I didn't seek out private health, I would be in a wheelchair by now, or probably dead due to the incredible constant pain. I cannot tell you how much my life has changed after those 4 metal screws. I got my life back. Not thanks to NHS.

 

[timetodie24]

I know I will not convince you but there is a young woman with a Youtube channel called Living well with schizophrenia. She is a very intelligent woman just like you and she talked about what she is going through when she is in psychosis.
Her videos reminded me of many of the themes you are going through, she also thinks that helicopters are following and watching her, she also thinks that she has microchips that can be used for mind control, when she was hospitalized, she didn't want to eat the hospital food as she was convinced that the whole medical team was in on it and they put things into the food to be used as mind control. She hears the voices same as you and she will even asume that her boyfriend is in on it and also being controlled. She doesn't trust anyone during these events, including doctors, and believes that they are trying to control her, observe her, make her do things. I forgot what else she said but essentially it had many of the same themes, including even the helicopters. She also gets very paranoid during these periods, turns off location services on her phone as she is afraid that she will be located (by her loved ones).
The helicopters especially stood out for me as it was something you have also mentioned.
I know that you think that all of this is real. But consider this. Every single person who is going through psychosis think that what they experience is real.
There is no way to convince them otherwise.
By the way, this young lady with the Youtube channel takes medication and with medication, and therapy, she can go 2-3 years without being hospitalizad for a psychotic episode.
I don't know if you have access to private healthcare in the UK, since NHS clearly failed you. Bit if you do, I would really experiement with starting an anti-psychotic medication under medical supervision, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose. If nothing changes, then you have not lost anything by trying.
And if the voices stop, then you can re-evaluate the situation.
And if you want to CTB after that, with no voices, that is your free choice, you can make an informed decision.
I would give anti-psychosis medication a try with a private doctor. If nothing else, just out of pure curiousity.
What would be your conclusion if the anti-psychotic medications stop the voices?
I know this young lady in the Youtube channel missed a dose of her medication and ended up hospitalized with a psychotic episode. Helicopters and all.
If you have access to private healthcare, I would try this. You have nothing to lose and you would gain some extra information.
The fact that public health failed you is not an indication of anything. I lived in the UK for 5 years, I needed spinal fusion, NHS said I was completely fine (even though I was almost wheelchair bound and in constant pain), after a few years I got private health, they did the fusion surgery a month later, 4 metallic screws, no more pain, I can walk miles and miles. And according to NHS, I was perfectly fine. So don't trust this blindly in the medical institution. If I didn't seek out private health, I would be in a wheelchair by now, or probably dead due to the incredible constant pain. I cannot tell you how much my life has changed after those 4 metal screws. I got my life back. Not thanks to NHS.

I appreciate you sharing that , i'll take a look as admit does sound similar but you know my view on that already. I can't afford private psych, my parents would pay but don't think they could really afford it long term and I already rely on them for everything else. So would feel too guilty. Even so don't have the time left take to find psych, get assessment and if somehow they decide psychosis, the time it'd take for meds to work. As, if i'm right, many would be dead by then.
Also I'd have to lie to them as most private community psychs in uk won't take on patients with active plans as for safety/liability as they aren't usually connected to a team and crisis services in same way as nhs . Generally you'd see them for meds appt. and nothing in between so can't do crisis support. So they'd refer me to nhs crisis team who make things worse for me. But none of this matters as i only have a few days before irreversible harm to others if I live therefore can't even entertain the idea even out of curiosity . Far too late for it .
But appreciate suggestions