alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Arcanist
Feb 10, 2024
480
Within next 3 days now . Well could still be 4 if I do it in AM of friday but better before.

No contact from services and closed for day. Another email to GP practice by a relative today. But there's no point . Clearly all signs agree with me.
I don't want anyone to get hurt but this has to end and clearly no options now then. Sorry
Noooo. Please don't listen to them. I dont listen to mine when he's telling me to do bad stuff, even though he's taken over most of my head. He's good for support and knows me best of anyone but I don't trust him to always do the right thing and you shouldn't trust yours.
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
Noooo. Please don't listen to them. I dont listen to mine when he's telling me to do bad stuff, even though he's taken over most of my head. He's good for support and knows me best of anyone but I don't trust him to always do the right thing and you shouldn't trust yours.
I can't let others die just so I can be a coward though
 
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alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Arcanist
Feb 10, 2024
480
I can't let others die just so I can be a coward though

I can't let others die just so I can be a coward though
I don't know that they will do that. I think they're just trying to prove they can control you. But I only know my own and I only have one. Maybe 2 but haven't seen the second for a while and it never said anything.
Could you move your birthday to give mental health services more time to get in touch?
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
I don't know that they will do that. I think they're just trying to prove they can control you. But I only know my own and I only have one. Maybe 2 but haven't seen the second for a while and it never said anything.
Could you move your birthday to give mental health services more time to get in touch?
Sorry you have struggled with voices too.

I don't understand, sorry, how can I move my birthday ? I don't mean celebrations, not having any, just the actual day I was born which can't be moved ?
 
alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Arcanist
Feb 10, 2024
480
Sorry you have struggled with voices too.

I don't understand, sorry, how can I move my birthday ? I don't mean celebrations, not having any, just the actual day I was born which can't be moved ?
I can. Suppose it's easier because I don't have friends and live far from remaining family so no celebrations. It's more like I decide to have my birthday one day, rather than putting it off. But then there's the birthday when you came out into the world, and there's conception day when the egg and sperm got together, and the heart day when you first grew a heart before you were born. Many important days. But yeah, I can move my birthday. I just decide. I didn't know other people couldn't do that. That's a shame. I can have my birthday when it's the weather I like, and/or when I'm feeling good
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
I'm terrified and not sure if it's just SI or if I shouldnt be this scared. My other attempts I felt a lot calmer, obviously some nerves but I felt at peace with my decision. I feel so torn and not at peace with this 'decision' (not even my decision). I don't want to go like this but there is no other way now at all.
 
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Esokabat

Specialist
Apr 22, 2024
390
I know I will not convince you but there is a young woman with a Youtube channel called Living well with schizophrenia. She is a very intelligent woman just like you and she talked about what she is going through when she is in psychosis.
Her videos reminded me of many of the themes you are going through, she also thinks that helicopters are following and watching her, she also thinks that she has microchips that can be used for mind control, when she was hospitalized, she didn't want to eat the hospital food as she was convinced that the whole medical team was in on it and they put things into the food to be used as mind control. She hears the voices same as you and she will even asume that her boyfriend is in on it and also being controlled. She doesn't trust anyone during these events, including doctors, and believes that they are trying to control her, observe her, make her do things. I forgot what else she said but essentially it had many of the same themes, including even the helicopters. She also gets very paranoid during these periods, turns off location services on her phone as she is afraid that she will be located (by her loved ones).
The helicopters especially stood out for me as it was something you have also mentioned.
I know that you think that all of this is real. But consider this. Every single person who is going through psychosis think that what they experience is real.
There is no way to convince them otherwise.
By the way, this young lady with the Youtube channel takes medication and with medication, and therapy, she can go 2-3 years without being hospitalizad for a psychotic episode.
I don't know if you have access to private healthcare in the UK, since NHS clearly failed you. Bit if you do, I would really experiement with starting an anti-psychotic medication under medical supervision, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose. If nothing changes, then you have not lost anything by trying.
And if the voices stop, then you can re-evaluate the situation.
And if you want to CTB after that, with no voices, that is your free choice, you can make an informed decision.
I would give anti-psychosis medication a try with a private doctor. If nothing else, just out of pure curiousity.
What would be your conclusion if the anti-psychotic medications stop the voices?
I know this young lady in the Youtube channel missed a dose of her medication and ended up hospitalized with a psychotic episode. Helicopters and all.
If you have access to private healthcare, I would try this. You have nothing to lose and you would gain some extra information.
The fact that public health failed you is not an indication of anything. I lived in the UK for 5 years, I needed spinal fusion, NHS said I was completely fine (even though I was almost wheelchair bound and in constant pain), after a few years I got private health, they did the fusion surgery a month later, 4 metallic screws, no more pain, I can walk miles and miles. And according to NHS, I was perfectly fine. So don't trust this blindly in the medical institution. If I didn't seek out private health, I would be in a wheelchair by now, or probably dead due to the incredible constant pain. I cannot tell you how much my life has changed after those 4 metal screws. I got my life back. Not thanks to NHS.
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
I know I will not convince you but there is a young woman with a Youtube channel called Living well with schizophrenia. She is a very intelligent woman just like you and she talked about what she is going through when she is in psychosis.
Her videos reminded me of many of the themes you are going through, she also thinks that helicopters are following and watching her, she also thinks that she has microchips that can be used for mind control, when she was hospitalized, she didn't want to eat the hospital food as she was convinced that the whole medical team was in on it and they put things into the food to be used as mind control. She hears the voices same as you and she will even asume that her boyfriend is in on it and also being controlled. She doesn't trust anyone during these events, including doctors, and believes that they are trying to control her, observe her, make her do things. I forgot what else she said but essentially it had many of the same themes, including even the helicopters. She also gets very paranoid during these periods, turns off location services on her phone as she is afraid that she will be located (by her loved ones).
The helicopters especially stood out for me as it was something you have also mentioned.
I know that you think that all of this is real. But consider this. Every single person who is going through psychosis think that what they experience is real.
There is no way to convince them otherwise.
By the way, this young lady with the Youtube channel takes medication and with medication, and therapy, she can go 2-3 years without being hospitalizad for a psychotic episode.
I don't know if you have access to private healthcare in the UK, since NHS clearly failed you. Bit if you do, I would really experiement with starting an anti-psychotic medication under medical supervision, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose. If nothing changes, then you have not lost anything by trying.
And if the voices stop, then you can re-evaluate the situation.
And if you want to CTB after that, with no voices, that is your free choice, you can make an informed decision.
I would give anti-psychosis medication a try with a private doctor. If nothing else, just out of pure curiousity.
What would be your conclusion if the anti-psychotic medications stop the voices?
I know this young lady in the Youtube channel missed a dose of her medication and ended up hospitalized with a psychotic episode. Helicopters and all.
If you have access to private healthcare, I would try this. You have nothing to lose and you would gain some extra information.
The fact that public health failed you is not an indication of anything. I lived in the UK for 5 years, I needed spinal fusion, NHS said I was completely fine (even though I was almost wheelchair bound and in constant pain), after a few years I got private health, they did the fusion surgery a month later, 4 metallic screws, no more pain, I can walk miles and miles. And according to NHS, I was perfectly fine. So don't trust this blindly in the medical institution. If I didn't seek out private health, I would be in a wheelchair by now, or probably dead due to the incredible constant pain. I cannot tell you how much my life has changed after those 4 metal screws. I got my life back. Not thanks to NHS.
I appreciate you sharing that , i'll take a look as admit does sound similar but you know my view on that already. I can't afford private psych, my parents would pay but don't think they could really afford it long term and I already rely on them for everything else. So would feel too guilty. Even so don't have the time left take to find psych, get assessment and if somehow they decide psychosis, the time it'd take for meds to work. As, if i'm right, many would be dead by then.
Also I'd have to lie to them as most private community psychs in uk won't take on patients with active plans as for safety/liability as they aren't usually connected to a team and crisis services in same way as nhs . Generally you'd see them for meds appt. and nothing in between so can't do crisis support. So they'd refer me to nhs crisis team who make things worse for me. But none of this matters as i only have a few days before irreversible harm to others if I live therefore can't even entertain the idea even out of curiosity . Far too late for it .
But appreciate suggestions
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
Sorry just having a moan .
exhausted and want to sleep but idk what they'll do if I sleep so can't risk it.
Another painful lump on my ear, this time inside, from another microchip when i fell asleep last night. Neck is still stiff from whatever they injected a couple nights ago. So no way , can't give in tonight and fall asleep .
Headache probably from stress and legs hurt from SH. Mouth is a little sore from wisdom teeth cutting through too. None of then pain is bad just annoying and uncomfortable lying here but too dangerous to sleep. But could be gone in a couple nights or less so sleep don't matter anyway
Can hear helicopter keep hovering in distance too
 
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pulleditnearlyoff

Student
Apr 26, 2024
157
Sorry just having a moan .
exhausted and want to sleep but idk what they'll do if I sleep so can't risk it.
Another painful lump on my ear, this time inside, from another microchip when i fell asleep last night. Neck is still stiff from whatever they injected a couple nights ago. So no way , can't give in tonight and fall asleep .
Headache probably from stress and legs hurt from SH. Mouth is a little sore from wisdom teeth cutting through too. None of then pain is bad just annoying and uncomfortable lying here but too dangerous to sleep. But could be gone in a couple nights or less so sleep don't matter anyway
Can hear helicopter keep hovering in distance too
Do you think you would feel safe in a hospital or psych ward, so you could get some sleep and rest?
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
Do you think you would feel safe in a hospital or psych ward, so you could get some sleep and rest?
It's fine i got like 4hrs last night in the end so still getting sleep every night. I'd feel more unsafe in hospital/psych ward , definitely not get rest there
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
After today 2 more days left of chances . Ffs why am I still here . I need to hurry up as leaving it to last day is bad idea.
practice manager replied to relative's email and GP has contacted the MHP today with urgent request on their computer system . But I think it's too late for that now . She hasn't yet and won't respond to it because she's being controlled too. Sooner this is over the better. Even if did respond i'll likely be gone by the time they do nevermind by time get any appt.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,017
OP, are you still here? You mentioned needing to hurry, does this mean that you'll be attempting sooner than the 2 days?
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
OP, are you still here? You mentioned needing to hurry, does this mean that you'll be attempting sooner than the 2 days?
still here. idk, Thursday is the last day I'll get a chance before deadline but it'd better to do it asap incase any issues, already leaving too late
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
Today or tomorrow I have to. Why am I so scared ? I want to die, it shouldn't be this hard.
I'm terrified and worrying about others getting hurt on road. They assured me it'll all work out but hard not to worry. Still don't have note/letter for family as nothing sounds right and keep ripping up
 
opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,017
Please keep us updated if you are able to.
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
Unsuprisingly no update from GP/MHP. tbf was only yesterday GP chased up MHP again so knew it wouldn't be yet. Idk what I expect them to do anyway.

I don't want to go through with the plan tomorrow.
I think that's first time I've really admitted that fully. Not just that I'm scared, I don't want to do it at all. I don't want to live but not ready to die tomorrow (idk why as no reason to live). And I really don't want to do it in such a selfish risky way. But idk what else to do. I can't risk not complying. I can't risk 100s of lives just to be a selfish coward
 
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ferrie

ferrie

she/they
May 19, 2024
513
Unsuprisingly no update from GP/MHP. tbf was only yesterday GP chased up MHP again so knew it wouldn't be yet. Idk what I expect them to do anyway.

I don't want to go through with the plan tomorrow. I think that's first time I've really admitted that fully. Not just that I'm scared, I don't want to do it at all. I don't want to live but not ready to die tomorrow (idk why as no reason to live). And I really don't want to do it in such a selfish risky way. But idk what else to do. I can't risk not complying. I can't risk 100s of lives just to be a selfish coward
If you're not ready to go, I really hope you back out or tell someone about your plan. I know the crisis team isn't a good option, but hopefully there is another way to get help. It isn't selfish or cowardly to not want to die tomorrow. You are only responsible for yourself & your own actions, and I think the best thing you could do right now is not go through with CTB when you don't want to do it
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
If you're not ready to go, I really hope you back out or tell someone about your plan. I know the crisis team isn't a good option, but hopefully there is another way to get help. It isn't selfish or cowardly to not want to die tomorrow. You are only responsible for yourself & your own actions, and I think the best thing you could do right now is not go through with CTB when you don't want to do it
Idk what I'll do. Will see how I feel in the morning. At least if I do it though , I never have to deal with this confusion or fear again.
 
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ferrie

ferrie

she/they
May 19, 2024
513
Idk what I'll do. Will see how I feel in the morning. At least if I do it though , I never have to deal with this confusion or fear again.
Please keep us updated and try to get some rest tonight to think clearly on it in the morning. My dms are always open & I'm sure people here are more than willing to listen if you need to vent or want to talk through your options
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,017
Please keep us updated and try to get some rest tonight to think clearly on it in the morning. My dms are always open & I'm sure people here are more than willing to listen if you need to vent or want to talk through your options
Definitely second this, you've said before that talking isn't all that helpful at this stage which is understandable. Get some rest and re evaluate tomorrow, my DMs are open too.
 
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timetodie24

Paragon
Apr 14, 2023
922
Last chance today.
Well I could run away and do it early tomorrow but would be harder. Today i have plenty time alone to go off and no one notice till too late.
Not feeling any clearer about it. Did sleep but not great. feel a bit physically unwell with stress.
This doesn't feel real but before other attempts I felt that too, like it was just fantasy until i did it. I know i could if I push myself. It's clear best decision is to do it so don't know why feel so against it.
Sorry for going on again. Just ignore my venting. I'm just so confused. And voices been very quiet this morning which makes me suspicious. They should be more intense today given the plan.

I really don't feel right. I feel dizzy and distant , out of it and not real. I get it as they're taking me already clearly. Already dead, body is catching up so need to hurry and do it before others join me . Every part of me telling me meant to be dead. I have to
 
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ferrie

ferrie

she/they
May 19, 2024
513
Last chance today.
Well I could run away and do it early tomorrow but would be harder. Today i have plenty time alone to go off and no one notice till too late.
Not feeling any clearer about it. Did sleep but not great. feel a bit physically unwell with stress.
This doesn't feel real but before other attempts I felt that too, like it was just fantasy until i did it. I know i could if I push myself. It's clear best decision is to do it so don't know why feel so against it.
Sorry for going on again. Just ignore my venting. I'm just so confused. And voices been very quiet this morning which makes me suspicious. They should be more intense today given the plan.

I really don't feel right. I feel dizzy and distant , out of it and not real. I get it as they're taking me already clearly. Already dead, body is catching up so need to hurry and do it before others join me . Every part of me telling me meant to be dead. I have to
If you feel against it, I really don't think you should do it. I support your right to CTB if that's what you choose, but you obviously don't want to do it in this manner. I know you feel like you have to do this, but you can also tell that something is wrong. Again there is nothing cowardly or selfish about not going through with this. You are only responsible for yourself & your own actions, not for anything the voices tell you. You don't have to do this if it's not actually what you want to do
 
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franzkafka

franzkafka

Member
Aug 1, 2024
22
Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this. If you are not ready to go, it's okay, it's understandable and no one here will judge you if you'll back off your plan.
You have every right to CBT whenever you are ready, but please know that you don't have to do this if it's not actually what you want at this moment.
Regardless of what your choice are, I hope you'll find peace and you'll be okay and the pain will cease.
I'm sorry for your pain.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,017
We are here if you want to keep this thread updated. No matter the outcome, we are here. Wishing you peace.
 
opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,017
OP are you still with us?
 
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pulleditnearlyoff

Student
Apr 26, 2024
157
I've got the feeling he's not amongst us anymore…
 
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darkandtwisty

darkandtwisty

Member
Jul 10, 2024
40
Has anyone heard from them today? I was really hoping they would have had a change of heart and would have posted by now.
This saddens me but I really hope if they did go through with it, they're at peace. It's a tragic loss. As are all of the successful attempts. But I'll keep them in my thoughts. 🕊
 
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alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Arcanist
Feb 10, 2024
480
This is heart-wrenchingly sad. I really hope we're wrong and they're back on here tomorrow. NHS you failed this lovely person, and failed badly 😔
 
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