Venting 4 days

[lostintheloop]

I'm supposed to ctb within the next 4 days.
Yet I don't feel ready but I don't understand why. I get nothing except pain out of life. I only ever regret failing previous attempts. I am certain I want ctb and I am ready to leave so why am I holding back from ctb. I don't have a choice I need to meet deadline for many peoples' sakes. I need to stop being a coward. It is just SI, I can overcome it, I can do this.

 

[kyhoti]

My time is close and I am having the normal qualms as well.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Didn't the voices predict your parents were already going to be dead by now or something like that a few weeks ago?

 

[lostintheloop]

Didn't the voices predict your parents were already going to be dead by now or something like that a few weeks ago?

Yes but they had some health scares that turned out ok for now and I was given another chance . But has to be for certain this time as approaching birthday and no way I can live past age I was supposed to die and they let me off

 

[dolemitedrums]

Yes but they had some health scares that turned out ok for now and I was given another chance . But has to be for certain this time as approaching birthday and no way I can live past age I was supposed to die and they let me off

Such a firm prediction passing without incident doesn't make you want to reconsider things at all?

 

[lostintheloop]

Such a firm prediction passing without incident doesn't make you want to reconsider things at all?

No because people still got ill but when I followed the other rules they were ok for now . Also they didn't say when they'd die just that it'd be irreversible from that point. So they could already have something deadly and just don't know yet.
Out of chances now though. I have more faith in those in control than i do anyone else as predicted things no one could've known and have power you don't understand.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing just causes me pain as well. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[smaragdyne]

I have an honest question - why do you trust them? That is, why do you believe what they tell you?

 

[lostintheloop]

I have an honest question - why do you trust them? That is, why do you believe what they tell you?

Because they predicted things that no one could of guessed. And things they warned me would happen when I broke rules did. Multiple people got ill, a couple relatives had close escapes and health scares, a friend ended up in hospital and a relative died. Too many to be coincidences. They warned me and I didn't listen so I have to this time.
they have lots of power and I believe them because all this evidence backs up their threats

 

[dolemitedrums]

Because they predicted things that no one could of guessed. And things they warned me would happen when I broke rules did. Multiple people got ill, a couple relatives had close escapes and health scares, a friend ended up in hospital and a relative died. Too many to be coincidences. They warned me and I didn't listen so I have to this time.
they have lots of power and I believe them because all this evidence backs up their threats

You really are one of the people who shouldn't be on here. The health care system has let you down but it's not too late.

 

[lostintheloop]

You really are one of the people who shouldn't be on here. The health care system has let you down but it's not too late.

I think as a suicidal adult with the capacity to make my own decisions I'm on the right site …

 

[creirwy]

Because they predicted things that no one could of guessed. And things they warned me would happen when I broke rules did. Multiple people got ill, a couple relatives had close escapes and health scares, a friend ended up in hospital and a relative died. Too many to be coincidences. They warned me and I didn't listen so I have to this time.
they have lots of power and I believe them because all this evidence backs up their threats

How do you know those things wouldn't have happened if you followed these rules?
And how can you be sure nothing will happen after you're gone?

 

[dolemitedrums]

I think as a suicidal adult with the capacity to make my own decisions I'm on the right site …

You don't have the capacity to make sound decisions if you are hearing voices and think your body is full of microchips.

 

[lostintheloop]

How do you know those things wouldn't have happened if you followed these rules?
And how can you be sure nothing will happen after you're gone?

Can't for certain but the timing, the specifics, the amount of times is too much to all be coincidence . Others are only in danger because there was glitch that means I'm alive and shouldn't be. So me dying fixes that and they'll be safe. Obviously bad things will still happen after I'm gone, that's life . But 100s of people won't die prematurely and long before fated to

You don't have the capacity to make sound decisions if you are hearing voices and think your body is full of microchips.

professionals with expertise to assess capacity disagree .
And I can take in info to weigh up the pros and cons, understand my actions and the consequences of my choice. Therefore I have capacity to make decisions around ctb, even if others would think it is unwise decision, that is my choice

 

[dolemitedrums]

professionals with expertise to assess capacity disagree .

If you were fully honest with them, it is the most glaring example of medical negligence I have ever seen in psychiatry.

 

[creirwy]

Can't for certain but the timing, the specifics, the amount of times is too much to all be coincidence . Others are only in danger because there was glitch that means I'm alive and shouldn't be. So me dying fixes that and they'll be safe. Obviously bad things will still happen after I'm gone, that's life . But 100s of people won't die prematurely and long before fated to

professionals with expertise to assess capacity disagree .

But if any of these predictions happen, they're not your fault. No one can ask you to sacrifice your life. As you said, bad things do happen and if they do that's just life.
Also if those in control would really be in control, wouldn't they be able to fix a "glitch" instead of threatening you?

 

[lostintheloop]

But if any of these predictions happen, they're not your fault. No one can ask you to sacrifice your life. As you said, bad things do happen and if they do that's just life.
Also if those in control would really be in control, wouldn't they be able to fix a "glitch" instead of threatening you?

They are going to fix glitch by killing people in my place which then has domino effect and more and more people die. I don't make the rules that's just how they fix it . But i can fix it by ctb instead. It's not a sacrifice when it is what i want and what should've been done and i'm not really saving them just preventing stuff that only happens because of me .

 

[creirwy]

They are going to fix glitch by killing people in my place which then has domino effect and more and more people die. I don't make the rules that's just how they fix it . But i can fix it by ctb instead. It's not a sacrifice when it is what i want and what should've been done and i'm not really saving them just preventing stuff that only happens because of me .

Are you really sure that's what you want?
You shouldn't do something because you think you have to

 

[lostintheloop]

Are you really sure that's what you want?
You shouldn't do something because you think you have to

I'm certain i want to die, long before the glitch I was and still am suicidal for other reasons.
I don't want to do the method they decided but have no choice.
Not sure I'm ready to do it so soon but that's probably SI.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Nothing bad is going to happen in the world if you don't kill yourself in the next 4 days. I promise. Stick around and then re-evaluate things when this prediction does not come true. It won't. I swear to God it won't.

 

[lostintheloop]

Nothing bad is going to happen in the world if you don't kill yourself in the next 4 days. I promise. Stick around and then re-evaluate things when this prediction does not come true. It won't. I swear to God it won't.

You can't know that. You're very persistent on my posts so How do I know you're not being controlled too ? They could be making you try to convince me not to so that they can punish me and kill lots of others instead. Why should i trust you

 

[dolemitedrums]

You can't know that. You're very persistent on my posts so How do I know you're not being controlled too ? They could be making you try to convince me not to so that they can punish me and kill lots of others instead. Why should i trust you

How can I be worse than the voices? At least I'm not telling you to do bad stuff.

 

[lostintheloop]

How can I be worse than the voices? At least I'm not telling you to do bad stuff.

You're not worse. You seem like a good and kind person. But they could be controlling you to get what they want.
I'm not saying that they definitely are , it's just a possibility .
They can control anyone and everyone

 

[creirwy]

You're not worse. You seem like a good and kind person. But they could be controlling you to get what they want.
I'm not saying that they definitely are , it's just a possibility .
They can control anyone and everyone

Maybe they just control you and make you think they have power over everyone.

 

[dolemitedrums]

You're not worse. You seem like a good and kind person. But they could be controlling you to get what they want.
I'm not saying that they definitely are , it's just a possibility .
They can control anyone and everyone

I mean I guess they could be...but by the same token they could also not be real at all. If we are going to keep an open mind.

 

[2messdup]

I'm certain i want to die, long before the glitch I was and still am suicidal for other reasons.
I don't want to do the method they decided but have no choice.
Not sure I'm ready to do it so soon but that's probably SI.

But your method risks mental trauma and ptsd to the driver, and risks the driver swerving by reflex and killing other innocent people. I don't like your voices. They're cruel to innocent people.

 

[lostintheloop]

But your method risks mental trauma and ptsd to the driver, and risks the driver swerving by reflex and killing other innocent people. I don't like your voices. They're cruel to innocent people.

I don't like them either . Not even actually hearing voices. They're not actually out loud, just internal like inner voice but not mine. Someone else putting them there. So not hallucination like some people saying.
And it's more than voice, there's this whole system in control. Yes they are cruel but not my choice . I don't like them, i just know they tell truth even if it's awful

 

[ferrie]

It's Monday for you now right? I hope you hear back from your GP or MHP today now that the weekend's over. I know how hard you've tried to get help, and I'm sorry for how severely your health care system has failed you. You deserve a gentler exit than this, despite what you may think. I also hope you keep us updated over the next few days. You already know my concerns about your method, and I know that there's no point in trying to talk you out of it. Hopefully it doesn't come to that point & no one is hurt. As always I wish the best for you

 

[lostintheloop]

It's Monday for you now right? I hope you hear back from your GP or MHP today now that the weekend's over. I know how hard you've tried to get help, and I'm sorry for how severely your health care system has failed you. You deserve a gentler exit than this, despite what you may think. I also hope you keep us updated over the next few days. You already know my concerns about your method, and I know that there's no point in trying to talk you out of it. Hopefully it doesn't come to that point & no one is hurt. As always I wish the best for you

Thank you .
Nothing this morning, maybe this afternoon but I doubt it.
My mum was going to make a routine appt. for me today since they wouldn't allow urgent one last week. But I said we'd just give it more time.
As a routine appt. wouldn't be until after deadline so pointless .
Should probably focus my time left on working out details of plan and writing notes etc.

 

[lostintheloop]

Within next 3 days now . Well could still be 4 if I do it in AM of friday but better before.

No contact from services and closed for day. Another email to GP practice by a relative today. But there's no point . Clearly all signs agree with me.
I don't want anyone to get hurt but this has to end and clearly no options now then. Sorry