LoiteringClouds
Tempus fugit
- Feb 7, 2023
- 3,785
Thank you so much for your reply.Interesting to note that you wrote "I know" and not "I think" or "it seems to me".
As a casual observer, no, you are not responsible, it's certainly not your fault and I hope you don't have guilty feelings or remorse or shame or blame yourself or are angry at yourelf similar for whatever the situation is.
When people say "I know" the first thing that comes to mind is "delusion" - an unshakeable belief in something despite evidence to the contrary.
I said "I know I'm responsible" because I was afraid of judgement from people here. I was afraid of being told "don't blame others, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" so I tried to play a responsible person. I've seen some user on this forum said a thing like "people who don't fix their problem when they can don't deserve respect."
I agree that I don't have to feel guilty, remorseful or ashamed, so I'm trying not to do so, but it's difficult. I really don't want to get corrected or pointed out my mistakes, because it feels like a proof of the fact I'm always wrong and don't deserve respect (but it's just a feeling, not the fact.)
Still, people have told me "get out of your comfort zone, get corrected, corrected and corrected until you become great."
I'm so exhausted, but they're right I think.
And I think I'm highly delusional person, because I haven't made an effort to see the reality as it is - I simply avoid seeing it. I've been subjected to verbal abuse from parents and teachers, to the point where Japanese language, my mother tongue, triggers me. I'm panicking at work almost every day because of it. I was good at English when I was a student, so I started to avoid Japanese whenever I can.
Even not knowing you and knowing very little of your situation, I can safely say there have been educational factors and social factors that have influenced your life and can have nudged you towards the current situation.
Yes, education and my social life influenced me greatly. I've been the scapegoat when I was child because I was "the nail that stands out." While I don't believe that's a good practice, I try to stay under the radar of my superiors.Imho too there are cultural factors that influence how you see things, how you perceive the situation. If I remember well, in Japanese one says "the nail that stands out gets hit first", while in Mediterranean Europe a common saying is instead "the baby that cries gets milk first", meaning don't be like everyone else.
Thank you for telling me this - In Japan entrance exam of universities/colleges is highly competitive and some parents push their kids like slaves. (But I've heard entrance exam in South Korea is even more competitive.)Broadly, in Europe, with exceptions, school is unpaid and private schools are rare (and sometimes forbidden). University is - broadly - free of charge. Access to university varies greatly, but I'll take the extreme example of Italy: the only requirement is passing an end-of-school exam. Registration is automatic, there is no "admissions system" and university is free of charge.
The idea is that say 500 register to start medicine and then very quickly they start not coming or not passing the first exams and then drop out on their own and then a reasonable year size is achieved (say about 25). They also get "student money" until they are 26.
Afaik in Japan it's not like this, which means that - logically - there are also systemic factors that affect you situation.
I agree that inexpensive car is great, especially for me, as I make a lot of scratches because I'm bad at parking.There is a factual situation regarding you (no doxing ofc) that can be accurately described: you have this car that costed $5k, this job that pays X JPY and you cannot have children.
You could have a Ferrari or a Maserati but then if somebody breaks your side-mirror you will have to wait for a replacement. Then good luck with parking. And if you are driving on a bumpy road you'll know it. And you'll have the view of sitting on the tarmac. Oh and if you are lucky enough to drive them in Germany, the no-speed limit country, you will find out soon that driving at 155mph = 250 km/h on average actually makes trips last much longer bcs you have to refuel every 30 minutes.
And a $5k small car is great, you don't care about bumps and scratches, you can park anywhere and when you are tired of it you can sell it and buy a new one. And if it breaks down your loss is maxed at $5k.
You're right, I don't find any flaw in your argument.You mentioned that "financial independence" would be a success. This also has different meanings. For some, it's "enough to rent a bed in a shared room", for others it's "enough to buy a house".
Some find a small job annoying, others would welcome it because of the lack of responsibility.
I think it was a miracle that I met her. She has contributed to my recovery greatly.I am glad you found a good therapist that is telling you intelligent things to think about and not what to do.
Thank you for your time and sensible response. I think your post is beneficial to other people, especially who feel like they were failures.Sorry everyone else if I write essays on the main thread - @LoiteringClouds if you want to DM me, you can, I don't mind (so the thread won't have such long answers) but if nobody minds my occasional texts then I'll keep answering here :)
This is my confession - when I read your reply first I felt as if I were humbled.
Note: You didn't humble or offend me - this is just my knee-jerk emotional response.
I received cognitive behavioural therapy in 2017, but I think I'm making the same mistakes today, because you pointed out my false beliefs, negative thinking and other "cognitive distortions."
I feel like "I can't do anything right," "I'm just a kid who shouldn't be on '30+ peer support thread'" or "you're perfect and I'm always wrong" but if I said what I'm feeling I'm likely to be corrected. So I've been feeling like a walking mistake, for 30 years.
I crave approval and respect, but in reality, I've been treated like dirt and I could have not change the situation so far.
Honestly speaking, I'm afraid of talking to you, because I feel as if you were the boss who is always right and I were obliged to say "I agree" or "you're right." I'm afraid of authority figures because they trampled on me into submission.
Note: You didn't humble or offend me - this is just my knee-jerk emotional response.
I received cognitive behavioural therapy in 2017, but I think I'm making the same mistakes today, because you pointed out my false beliefs, negative thinking and other "cognitive distortions."
I feel like "I can't do anything right," "I'm just a kid who shouldn't be on '30+ peer support thread'" or "you're perfect and I'm always wrong" but if I said what I'm feeling I'm likely to be corrected. So I've been feeling like a walking mistake, for 30 years.
I crave approval and respect, but in reality, I've been treated like dirt and I could have not change the situation so far.
Honestly speaking, I'm afraid of talking to you, because I feel as if you were the boss who is always right and I were obliged to say "I agree" or "you're right." I'm afraid of authority figures because they trampled on me into submission.
Edit: Thank you for your contribution, and sorry if my wording is inappropriate or I sound defensive. I wasn't offended in any way.
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