@LoiteringClouds hello -
the rude word is actually excellent life advice in general :) but it is in the vulgar language register and from the dialect of Naples. It just means "don't care at all about it" :-) I don't speak Neapolitan, I understand it and this word is special to their dialect. No therapist would say it though :-D
here is an article that mentions it:
Bud Spencer is an Italian icon famous for a carefree lifestyle philosophy he dubbed "Futtetenne." Here what Bud said about stressing out.
artoflivingontheroad.com
but it's nothing you can "deserve", it's not an insult, it's just vulgar :-D don't learn it and use it casually with Italians :-D
Hello and sorry for my late reply.
Thank you for your clarification and sorry for my misunderstanding.
I don't find you insensitive or self-centered, you are apologising very often and you give the impression of caring a lot about other people.
Those who blame you seem to be very weak and cowardly, who use you as a scapegoat for their shortcomings. Animals fear the bigger animals but prey on the weak.
These people are often treated badly by their authority figure and instead of breaking the chain because they know how bad it is, they do exactly the same.
This behaviour is also displayed in some child molesters, who were molested as children and suffered and say they would never do the same, but repeat it unfortunately.
Thank you, and yes my boss had been treated like dirt when he was younger. And I agree that people who blamed me were actually weak. I'm happy I didn't become like them. I broke the chain because I don't need to abuse anybody.
Nothing you say (or anyone here says) would make me uncomfortable. Very improper things would just be ignored.
Expressing your feelings can of course sometimes cause trouble, depending to whom they are said and how, but I can't imagine someone on an internet forum actually annoying me. Not you, but people can be blocked or ignored. And ofc don't just open up to anyone in general espc irl.
Thank you. This might be cultural but people I've met tended to bottle up their frustration and one day they exploded, as if I had trampled over their feeling. They were angry because they thought they were entitled to special treatment from me and didn't get it. I had to guess what my abusers wanted and if I fail to meet their ridiculously high expectations I was punished for being "disrespectful," "selfish" or "lazy." It was my job (often for free) to entertain them or even make them feel good.
These bosses who treat you badly seem to be bad bosses, not as in "bad people", but as in "inefficient managers". An employee who is afraid to open up and who cannot criticise policy is not going to point out errors, will be sicker, lack motivation etc. Actually this leads to airplane disasters and among pilots has to be strictly avoided. The Wikipedia article on Crew Resource Management is a little confused but I couldn't find anything better:
en.m.wikipedia.org
the idea is that if the captain is too much of an authority figure, the co-pilot will be afraid to correct him. In an office it just creates a toxic atmosphere but in an airplane or operating theatre it can be catastrophic.
I think my boss only think about his convenience or he is intentionally inefficient, in order to convey the idea "my comfort is a top priority." He allows suboptimal business practices so that he can do as little as possible, dump everything on me and take all the credit, and ensure he can blame his subordinates whenever he want. My colleagues call me a "detective" because even when my boss withhold important information for my work and I try my best to find out it. I've begged, pleaded, implored and besought, to get information from him.
But in the end he loses money because of it - I've done countless hours of overtime. Nobody but he will pay the price for this stupid mind game.
I noticed that under your login you wrote "
tempus fugit" (time flees). Note that the logical corollary (implied deduction) would then be "carpe diem", i.e. "seize the day", make it the best you can, the future is not there yet, enjoy what there is to enjoy as much as you can.
Since we are being Latin, this reminded me of a famous 13th century student song (the full text is a bit naughty) but the refrain is:
Gaudeamus igitur,
Iuvenes dum sumus,
Gaudeamus igitur,
Iuvenes dum sumus!
Post iucundam iuventutem,
Post molestam senectutem,
Nos habebit humus,
Nos habebit humus.
Let us therefore enjoy life,
we are still young
let us therefore enjoy life,
we are still young!
After playful youth,
after bothersome old age,
the earth will have us,
the earth will have us.
full lyrics here:
en.m.wikipedia.org
song here:
I noticed that listening to it wasn't a good idea for me :(
Thank you, and now I'm somewhat enjoying life...
You wrote "time flees" instead of "time flies," the translation we see everywhere. It's very interesting. Why did you choose "flee" as a translation?
And do you have bad memory about the song?
Note that the logical corollary (implied deduction) would then be "carpe diem", i.e. "seize the day", make it the best you can, the future is not there yet, enjoy what there is to enjoy as much as you can.
I agree, and even though I haven't said "carpe diem" I've posted similar sentiment here:
(Warning: a post about my imaginary friend, and might be a form of escapism.) Yesterday, I burned out. I felt so despondent, because my colleague is having long family leave and my workload doubled - Two of her three children got flu, and she'll going to have leave for two weeks. On top of...
sanctioned-suicide.net
"
A timeless phrase says, tempus fugit -
So, endure, no, enjoy this transit!
"
Going back to you, however, you say that people in Japan would eye roll and consider you weird if you mentioned your feelings. Imho eye-rolling is insulting - consider that most communication is non-verbal. An example is if someone tells you "I love you" while signalling "no" with the head, you would focus more on the head movement than the words.
Ik this is very difficult for you, but you could try with the therapist exercises for being assertive (this is not "aggressive"), which for eye-rolling would mean doing something like asking "why did you just roll your eyes?".
A good old (1988) book you might like is called "Coping with Difficult People" by Robert Bramson. You might find it somewhere online, perhaps it's still sold on Amazon. It's an easy read, no psychanalysis or things like that. You would probably read it all in 2-3 days.
Yes I've gotten a lot of non-verbal insults. And my therapist admitted assertiveness is extremely hard for low-skilled workers like me to practice, because they're considered unimportant in the first place.
So I'm going to read the book you suggested. I bought the Kindle version and looked through it, and it seems to be interesting! Thank you for your suggestion.
Interesting that you also wrote "people would consider me weird". Now see, this is a question of interpretation. You see "weird" as negative.
If you see what the word "weird" meant in origin,
(source:
https://www.etymonline.com/word/weird )
the weird systers were the goddesses that controlled human destiny, they were supernatural. Not a bad thing to be a goddess that controls destiny.
Some also would see "weird" as positive. I myself would prefer to know someone who is weird (but not crazy ofc) instead of someone who is just a photocopy of everyone else. Weird gives you personality and makes you not insipid (like soup with no seasoning) or anodyne (just saying the right things and being dull).
Imho the fundamental force at work is not that you are weird or not, that you are right or wrong, but that the perception of being weird or the perception of being wrong cause you anxiety. You could be actually wrong about something and just react by saying "thank you for your observation, I will avoid making this mistake" or if someone actually shouts at you, a good trick is to say calmly that you can't understand when people speak so loud. Again imho, it seems to me that it is the link between being wrong and anxiety that must be broken, not an actual or perceived weirdness.
What comes first to your mind after reading this?
I don't
think being weird is inherently shameful but I'
m afraid of being seen as weird by judgemental people in real life, as I've been criticized not to be "efficient" when I didn't follow established way of doing / learning things.
For example, I preferred English dictionary over English-Japanese dictionary when I studied English, as I have trauma about Japanese language, but I didn't use English dictionary in front of others because I was afraid of being criticized for "overconfidence" or "pretending to be smart."
But those judgemental people has been left. So today I'm proudly weird.
Bear in mind, too, that you might be somewhat in a position of power without realising it. Because see, if you are "weird" as you say or "wrong" it means that someone made a big mistake in hiring you and they will be reprimanded for it. Your weak-minded boss is perhaps afraid of his boss telling him "why did you hire her?" and doesn't want to admit he made a mistake. You don't really know the internal company politics before you were hired. It could be that he did the same to other workers and HR is already very annoyed at him.
I agree that I have power in some way, because even though my boss vilify me he can't fire me. I know how to apply government subsidies because I've extensively researched about them (sometimes in my free time), and have experience in applying them but there's no time to teach how to do that to my colleagues. If they read lengthy documents they can learn how to do it by themselves but they're waiting for an instruction manual I'm writing now.
It's a tiny company of 15 employees, my boss is the sole owner of the business (he's the CEO and seems to have all the company's shares) and the company has no HR, so he doesn't need to fear any authority figures (as far as I know.)
But I think he's afraid of me become too strong - he said I was a "punching bag" who has to endure criticism from everybody, but what if I were a statue of steel? He need a sledgehammer to defeat me. (But if I were made of titanium, the hammer, not me, would be damaged.) He called me a "war criminal" but where were his
firing squad? I know that his foul mouth doesn't have real power, and he's afraid of me because of it, I think.
Lol 1000+ words essay today :-D
Thank you for your intriguing reply! It was exciting like pouring racing fuel in my soul - definitely better than California Rocket Fuel :)
And sorry for hijacking this thread. I hope it helps somebody else as well.
